Without Him

Chapter 20

After I was able to calm myself down, I searched for my phone and sent Max a text.

Hey. Can you pick Mia at Mum's after work?

Ella .x

I knew I wasn't in a state where I was going to be able to drive and face Mum without her noticing my endless crying session or that something was wrong. Max replied nearly right away:

Sure. Everything ok?

I texted him back saying,

Yeah, just tired.

Which wasn't entirely true and wasn't a lie either. Maybe I wasn't physically but emotionally, I was drained. Soon after putting my phone down and staring at the sonogram again, tears started to well in my eyes again. I picked up my phone again, deciding I needed to tell someone. The phone rang at least 3 times before she answered.

"Hello?" Bliss said, "Ella? Are you okay?" She asked as I sniffed.

"I'm pregnant" I blurted out in a sob. "I'm pregnant and I don't know what I'm going to do if he leaves me again this time"

I wanted to convince myself that he wouldn't. That he would stay this time. But I couldn't help it. Even though I trusted him, the fear was always going to be there. I didn't want to think so low of him after everything he had done these last few months. How great of a father he had been to Mia. How hard he worked to gain my trust and love back. It wasn't fair to him. I wasn't being fair.

"Hey, calm down. Everything's going to be okay." Bliss spoke in a soothing voice. "It's not going to happen. He has changed, Ella. You don't know if he will leave you."

After speaking to her for a while, I went to the kitchen for a glass of water while I still had her on the phone, this time talking about her wedding. My throat felt like sandpaper from crying so much. I was downing the last gulp of water when I heard the elevator arriving.

"Bliss, He's home. I'll talk to you later" I interrupted her.

"Okay and stay calm, don't freak" She reminded as we hung up.

Even though her words of older sister wisdom had calmed me, I wasn't ready to tell Max tonight. I ran back to the room to put away the sonogram that was on the nightstand. After hiding it in a pocket in my purse again, I went to the bathroom to make sure I didn't look like a mess. Thankfully, I had washed my face and applied eye drops to my eyes so they didn't look bloodshot. I heard the elevator ping as its doors opened and Max entered. I put my pokerface on, knowing how easily Max could read me. I came out of the room and walked to the foyer to greet him and Mia. Max was setting his car keys on the small table near the entrance when I saw him. He had Mia's bag in one shoulder and a sleeping Mia in the other.

"Hi," I smiled as I went on my tiptoes to reach and kiss him.

"Hey," Max replied before kissing back.

"How was work?" I asked, pulling away and helping him with Mia.

"Tiring" He sighed, rubbing his face before asking "What about you at the doctor's? Did you get on birth control?" He slightly grinned.

I suddenly tensed at the mention of today's appointment but forced myself to relax, not wanting to make my discomfort obvious. "Um... Yeah" I stammered, giving him forced smile.

I headed to the hallway and to Mia's room, Max following me. I gently placed her into her crib as Max left the room and went to ours to change.

When I was done in Mia's room and entered ours, I heard the water of the shower head fall as Max showered and left the bathroom door ajar. I tucked myself into bed as I waited for him to finish. Unfortunately, I was too knackered by today's events that I didn't make it and fell asleep before he came out. I barely felt the bed dip on his side as he put the sheet over us and settled his body against mine. During my sleeping state, I felt his glistening, cool skin meet mine as he spooned me and nuzzled my hair. We relaxed into each other and fully disappeared into the oblivion of sleep, our breaths peaceful and even.

***

Right now, Bliss was the only person who knew about the pregnancy. I still hadn't been able to tell Max. I never found enough courage to do so. It had been a couple of days since the doctor's appointment and I knew that sooner or later Max was going to notice and ask me if something was different. And when he did, he would badger me until he got the right answer.

I was planning to tell Livie, hoping a confidence boost from her would help me tell Max but I was still thinking about it since I hadn't even told my mother yet. It was all a mental battle; who to tell first, how to tell them. It was mind-consuming and it often ended with headache. Work was a great contribution to this problem, which only intensified my stress and headaches. Morning sickness had also arrived. The constant trips to the bathroom and the nausea was making grumpy and not the best person to be around with since I wasn't a happy camper.

At home, I controlled my moods and tried to control my nausea when consuming food or smelling a certain odor - that would trigger me - in front of Max. It wasn't easy but I had to for now. I knew it was a cowardly action from me but the fear still lingered every time I thought about it. Hopefully, some time between this week and the upcoming one, I would be brave enough to finally tell him. But when I did decide to tell him, it would be somewhere where it's just us. And after I do, we can then figure out when to tell his parents since they were so excited about requesting a sibling for Mia. In Mum's and Livie's case, I decided to tell them at Bliss's wedding plans dinner since they wouldn't be able to talk too much and pester me with questions other than short ones.

I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was pregnant and there would be a new addition to the family but I was getting used to it already. It was nerve wracking but a part of me was starting to get excited about it too.