Call me Nate {Natepat}

1

My name is Natalie... I think. Though I'm not entirely sure anymore, it doesn't particularly feel right. In fact nothing about me does.

Lately I've been feeling off. Strange. A sad kind of strange. Like somethings off and I don't know what. Trying to remember a dream or forgetting what you've forgotten but know you have. Just a feeling I can't put my finger on but I just know that something isn't right.

I'm not right,

My hair feels too long, my face too round and my body too curvy, not the right shape out of place. Nothing straight, defined, like I feel like it should be. It's unnerving in a way, I just don't know why.

And it's not something that's just come out of nowhere. I've felt like this before, I know I have. It's been ever present throughout my life but now it's to an extreme level and I don't understand how I'm meant to fix it.

No indication was ever given, no advice in any of those shitty books you get about puberty. All of them saying the same things like "USE DEODORANT YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT" and "FUCKING. SHAVE". Though probably not as violently as that, but the same thing none the less.

But nowhere was there anything about feeling how I do.

Nothing to help me.

I can only remember one time where it's ever been as extreme as it is now.

There was one day in kindergarten, my teacher caught me shoving toilet paper into my jeans, with barely an explanation as to why. It's fuzzy, and muffled after years have past but it's still there, and I can remember how I felt.

"Why Nate?"

"It feels too empty down there! I'm sorry! Don't tell my mommy!"

I just don't understand.