First And Forever (under reconstruction) (Wattys2018)

Chapter 50: Secrets Kept Untold James POV

I bounce the infant on my leg, lost in thought as I watch Clarice type away at her computer. We haven't spoken to each other since my emotional break down, and I hope she had enough empathy to not tell the others what I revealed to her. Looking back at the baby boy on my leg, I blow a raspberry on his tummy, smiling when he squeaks and grips my hair with his fat little fists. Hunter and Coda have grown a lot in my time here, and both have full heads of sandy blonde hair. The twins are three and a half months now, and are now able sit up on their own. They are both learning sign language, making it easier for everyone to know what they want. I look back at Clarice out of habit, noting the way her short blonde locks frame the side of her face with the light of her computer screen, trying to ignore the baby boy currently gumming my eyebrow. Snap out of it James! You can't find this girl beautiful, she's taken and love will destroy! I shake my head quickly, placing Coda back on my lap with a gentle thump. I grunt in annoyance and grip my hair with my free hand as constantly creeping thoughts make a reappearance in the forefront of my mind. William hasn't spoken to Clarice since the brick incident, he refuses to even be in the same room as her. Asher hasn't been around at all either, avoiding both William and Clarice. Wesley and Wyatt have been keeping close eyes on me much to my chagrin.

I understand they don't trust me after I revealed William and Clarice's position, but I don't need to be babysat anymore! It's been two months! I'm not going to reveal anything more, for I've seen the strength of the bond that I thought didn't exist. When William's eyes meet Clarice's, you can feel the strength and spirit of their love, almost as if it's a palpable being you can touch with your fingertips. The sounds of typing cease, snapping my eyes to Clarice as she spins her chair around to face me. Her tummy is permanently jutted out now that she's four months along, giving her a type of glow almost no other woman can acquire while pregnant. She doesn't say anything, she just watches in silence as I play with her son. Our eyes lock, and as I look at this young girl, I see. I see the emotions she tries so hard to keep at bay, the emotions she's too scared to feel. I see depths of emotion and brokenness that probably not even William can see. She has been broken in the same way I was, I read the identical pain in her eyes that has resided in my own eyes since I was 18. There is so much strength in her eyes, strength to keep going, strength of one who's been to hell and back. I was wrong about her, she's not a child, not at all. She is a woman. As I stare into these broken but still sparkling green eyes, I wonder. I wonder what trauma corrupted her youth, and I'm wondering how William can't see just how broken his true love really is. I barely know her, and from the depth of the pain in her eyes, even I can tell she's nearly on the verge of giving up indefinitely. "He really doesn't notice, because he doesn't know. He's not you." Clarice's voice is soft, husky with pain. Her eyes remain locked on mine as she reads deeper into my own demons and brokenness, breaking my walls down brick by brick.

I blink, breaking our connection as I process her words, "Doesn't know what? And wait, what do you mean he's not me?" Clarice looks back up at me, the bright sunlight streaming through her window catching her eyes in its glare. Her voice is soft but strong as she speaks, I can see the wariness in her eyes as she assesses me, "He doesn't know that I'm broken, he doesn't know what horrors I went through before I even met Josh. He fixes me, but it only lasts so long. He is my love and my life, but how is he unable to see that I'm broken? How is he unable to see that I never show emotions because I'm scared? How does he not see the darkest secret I have been hiding nearly my entire life? He is not you because he does not see the pain in my eyes the way you do. He does not see anything but the mask I have been putting on for nearly twelve years. That is the Clair he knows and fell in love with. That Clair...she's not the real Clair."

I swallow slowly, running my fingers through my hair, "Maybe he just doesn't want to think of you as broken, Clarice. The only reason I see your pain is because I have gone through it in a way too. It is not a badge of honour, I would do anything to get rid of this pain in my past. Yeah, maybe he doesn't notice beyond your mask, but perhaps he just doesn't want to know just how much pain you've been through. On that note, why haven't you told him? Are you afraid he'll go running if he finds out just what has molded you into the woman you are today? You're wrong, that mask is part of who you are. Beyond it, I see a woman who's kind and smart and beautiful. I see a woman scared to be kind. And that is ok, because that woman is compassionate towards everyone. And...pardon my bluntness, but what horrors scar your past besides Josh?"