Sanity // s.m. [IN EDITING]

[23]

And as soon as she picks up the pace and turns the corner, making her way towards the third corridor, I stand there, deflated, not knowing how the piece together my new career knowledge. It just kept repeating over and over in my head, reporter??

I wasn't lying when I said I knew nothing about reporting. Unless this Brooke girl has spent most of her life studying it, and can teach me everything in the given time, I'm so going to flunk out of this place.

I guess I had no choice.

I had to introduce myself right away.

***

Shawn

"I think this is the first free weekend we've had in a while," Sarah says enthusiastically, waddling behind me through her wide-open front door.

I set down the heavy box of clothes I was wearing and look up at her, exhaling thoroughly. "Yes, and we get to spend it unpacking all of my shit."

She giggles, obviously taking advantage of her oversized stomach by not being able to help me carry any of the larger boxes. Even though it infuriated me, since I had to do all the heavy lifting, I wasn't bothered too much-- I knew if the tables were turned, I would've done the same.

"Can you believe this is actually happening?" she grins, her voice soft. "I mean, at first I was terrified of being a mom, since I didn't have one growing up and I wasn't sure if I could play it out right. But knowing I have you, I... I don't know. It really calms me down. We're going to be parents, living together! I mean, how exciting is that?"

"So exciting," I return her smile.

I wasn't sure how well I played that off. I mean, I'm going to be honest, there was a part of me that was totally psyched. At first, I freaked-- but that was normal. The bottom line is that I'm going to have a daughter in a few weeks, and nothing could prepare me for the joy that follows a child.

However, there was an even bigger part of me that didn't want to let go of this life I've spent years building. Of course, it was all an accident, but I fell in love with music in high school and now I can't do it for a living anymore, and, call it wrong, but that doesn't sound like joy to me at all.

And then there was the fans. They attacked me, stalked me, ripped up some of my favorite clothes with their scrawny, handsy fingers-- even gave me anxiety-- but the thought of leaving them for good with no warning terrified me more than all of that combined. I hated them with a passion, but loved them with an even bigger one. And now they're going to forget about me, and there was no joy in that, either.

I guess I didn't have a choice, anyway. I can't just abandon my child. That was something that I reached for, one night, out of stress, and it turned completely around on me. I guess I'm kind of lucky it did, though. I can't imagine what would've happened if Elliot had said yes. Luckily, I didn't have to.

"Will you get the mail while I finish unpacking these last few?" I yell over my shoulder to Sarah, setting the box I was carrying down on the queen sized and prying back the tape.

"Sure," she calls in return, and a few moments later I hear the front door close.

As I was digging through the box of clothes-- which by the way, I have no idea why I kept, since I wear the same t-shirt and jeans everyday of my life-- my phone started buzzing in my back pocket.