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#63 - My parents always scold me

Dear Genie,

I may need advice to do with my family.

They are all old fashioned, and don't try to understand 'my time' as much as they say and think they do. They seem to listen to me when I speak, but never actually remember enough.

I'm constantly getting scolded. An example would be like asking my father to drive me to school so that I could be there half an hour before the bell rings. Why am I getting scolded for wanting to be early? Another time was the fact I got scolded from trying to help clean up at a store? There were sharp objects lying around, so I was trying to pack it up. My father scolded me because 'he didn't have all day'. Would he have preferred if some young kid got injured instead? No wonder I have a horrible and mean personality...

So one question is: How do I improve myself? And probably another question: Why do I get scolded for trying to help? I get scolded for not helping in school, so why is it that the two places where I'm supposed to learn my values at contradict so badly? Why am I also the only one scolded? Why am I the one to do everything? Why am I the one who constantly has to 'take responsibility' and fail to do so?

Help.

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Hello!

Damn girl, you seem to be going through a lot of problems right now, but I'm here to help.

I think the biggest thing that you need to do right now is CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE. Change your perspective towards your life, and you may be surprised at how many things change. Why do I say this? First of all, you're playing victim. That's exactly what you're doing when you say stuff like "why am I the only one scolded?" or "why am I the one to do everything?" or "why am I getting scolded for wanting to be early?" and even saying "no wonder I have a horrible and mean personality" as a result of your parents' reprimands is you playing the victim.

What I mean by this is that you're acting like you're completely blameless, like you're guilty of null, as if you've done nothing wrong but is apparently loaded with perpetual punishment.

Thing is, I don't blame you, because I do that too sometimes. For instance, when I'm in school, I would cry myself to sleep because everyone didn't want to talk to me, but in reality I was the one who'd distanced myself from everyone. So there, I was playing victim, acting like I was really the innocent one in the situation, but it was actually all self-inflicted!

That's why you need to change your attitude. When I realized that people didn't talk to me because I distanced myself, I actually went out of my way to say 'hello' to them and have a conversation. I'd changed my outlook on the situation. Instead of saying "no one talks to me", I said "I'm going to go and talk to people", and things suddenly changed. People just started come over to my room just to chill for hours on end, and it seemed like I suddenly had a lot more friends. Truth is, they'd been there all along. It was just that I'd been blinded by my negativity to realize this.

I recognize that my story has in no way any similarity to yours, but my point remains that you may be seeing all these negative things in your life because you've chosen to put a curtain of negativity right in front of you. Draw the curtains; open the blinds – basically, just get rid of your negativity! Choose to see things in a different light.

For instance, maybe your parents have been going through a rough time in their lives. When your Dad is snapping at you, what if it's because his workload at work has significantly increased? What if he has pressing deadlines? I'm not trying to provide a justification for their scolding you, but I'm asking you to be more empathetic. They're human, after all. They get angry, they get irritated, and sometimes they may take it out on you. My Mum gives me a lot of sh*t (excuse the language) sometimes, and the easiest way to deal with that is just to excuse her and tell myself, maybe she' didn't get the deal she wanted at work/maybe she's on her period/maybe someone else pissed her off/maybe she's just having a bad day. In this way, I'm not acting as if I'm blameless, but instead I've chosen to try and put myself in her choose. It just makes it better for everyone, especially myself, because I won't even mind that she's shouting at me or whatever.

The thing about playing victim is that you convince yourself that EVERYTHING and EVERYONE is against you. And that's the worst position to put yourself in, because it makes life harder for you. You end up feeling sorry for yourself. You end up being so bitter towards everybody else, because you're blaming them all for your circumstances. That's why I said, get rid of all this negativity and try to empathize with others.

Furthermore, go out of your way to try and to enforce positivity in your relations with your family. You say "they...don't try to understand 'my time' as much as they say and think they do. They seem to listen to me when I speak, but never actually remember enough." Hold up. Do you try to understand them? Or are you quick to dismiss them and then say they don't care? My Mum often tells me that people emulate, or reciprocate, what you give them. If you don't seem interested in them, they won't be interested in you either. That's just how it works.

I hope you don't feel like I'm attacking you or anything, because that's the last of my intentions. I'm just trying to make you reflect on yourself first before proceeding to blame others for the cause of your unhappiness.

So, ask your father if he's alright, if he had a good day. Ask your mother how work was. Ask your siblings (if you have any) about what they've been learning in school lately. I get that it may difficult seeing as they're "all old fashioned," but they're your family, and you've got to accept them for the way they are. Learn to work around that. Don't dismiss them, because you may find that they do have some valuable things to offer you in your life.

Once you change your attitude and decide to see things positively or from a different perspective, you may realize that you're not being scolded as much – not necessarily because your parents may stop scolding you; but because what you'd thought was a reprimand actually isn't.

I believe that this has answered most of the questions you had. The only one left, that is a completely different issue on its own, is your question that:

"I get scolded for not helping in school, so why is it that the two places where I'm supposed to learn my values at contradict so badly?"

What I'd say to this is that you need to evaluate the context of the situations. This is because they differ, and so in some cases you are required to help while in others you aren't. For example, say in school, the teacher is trying to rearrange the desks in class. You can see that they're struggling, so you'd offer to help in that situation. But, say, when you were at the store and were trying to help out, that was thoughtful of you, but if you're at a store it's not your job to clean up the floor. In that case, you could alert one of the employees that there's broken glass, but you don't need to help out. Don't view it as a contradiction. Like I'd said, it depends on the situation, and you just need to use your own moral compass to determine what you can and cannot do in the context of the situation you're in. Another thing you can do is ask. It's better to offer to help and be told "no, I don't need your help", than to just stand there and stare. And if they say "yes, I do need your help", there's your chance to shine! Don't be stingy with your selflessness! But also don't throw yourself into things assuming you're the angel of the century, because that may come off as arrogance (you're assuming that everyone needs your help) even though you don't mean for that to be the case.

I really hope you'll try and take my advice and try to view your life from a more positive angle. Like I'd said, you may be surprised at the outcome.

If you do change your attitude and your parents are still on your back, just have an honest conversation with them. Crying always helps ;) ahaha 

Lots of love,

-genie_us xx

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