The Pact (ptv fanfiction)

Dear insanity

If I'm going down,

I won't go down alone,

you're doomed to this one.

Song: Asking Alexandria- Dear insanity

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When I screamed, it felt like I was rubbing the inside of my throat with sand paper. I sat up in my bed and dragged my hands over my face. I knew that within a few seconds my dad would come into my room and comfort me. It was what happened every single night. Sleeping was practically impossible for me because of the nightmares.

I took my hands back from my face and looked at them. They were wet of tears. The most horrible thing was that I was used to that sight. I was supposed to be safe now, but I still felt as unsafe as I did back in the shed.

The other thing that stood out about my hands nowadays was that my nails were bitten to bone. It was because days after getting home, I still had Leah's blood underneath my nails. After while I was sure I started imagining it being under it, but I just kept biting to get the blood away.

And as I expected, my dad came into my room a few seconds later. He was obviously worried, but I could see that it was already getting a bit of a routine to him too.

He sat down at my bed and dragged me into his chest. I gladly accepted and trembled out the last bits of fear from the nightmare.

"It's okay, Darling." My dad said. "Everything is going to be alright." He wasn't even asking me if I was okay anymore. He just kind of assumed I wasn't. Only now I realised how hard he was trying to help me. Before this my numb phase had blinded me. It still wasn't entirely over but my conversation with Vic last night has helped me see the light a little bit.

Although I couldn't help but think that I needed to run back to my numb nothingness. Letting go of that would actually mean dealing with the pain. And there was so much pain.

I held on to my dad a little tighter. "I want to go to school tomorrow." I said to him.

He was silent for a while. "Are you sure about that? You can stay home for longer if you want to." He said. His voice was cracking of exhaustion.

"It won't help me to stay at home." I said, but to be honest I didn't really care about getting better anymore. I was going for Vic.

My dad raised his hand to trace my hair and then kissed the top of my head. "If that's what you want, then it's okay." He said.

"Thank you, dad." I said. "For everything." I knew that I had to say that to him. He needed it.

My dad let go of me, kissed me on the cheek and tugged me in. "Go back to sleep, sweetheart. Tomorrow is a big day." He said and then he left the room.

But I didn't sleep again. I just stared to the ceiling until my alarm went off at seven. Staring at something gave me the calmness to gather my emotions and put them away. By now, that felt like filling a bottle of water that was almost full. Only a few drops and the water would spill over the edge.

Or maybe I was just staring at the ceiling because I had lost my mind. It was probably a mixture of both.

When the alarm went off, for a moment I didn't know what to do. It felt weird going back to my normal routine of going to school. It felt like a life time away. To be honest, all I really wanted to do was get into bed again and do nothing. Like I had done for the last sixteen days. But I knew that I now had to break out of the routine.