Ready To Explode

Wanting To Break Things Off

Okay, so I think it's safe to that sometimes space and/or time away from certain people can be very beneficial to our health. Even if it's people you're friends with.

This stuff is normal to think about, mainly because friends aren't forced upon you. You choose who you do and don't want to associate yourself with. So, thinking about who you're friends with, why you're friends with them and just things they do that you like and dislike can sometimes happen.

Recently, I've been thinking about this a lot. And it's been with one friend in particular. I won't name names out of respect of her privacy, but I've come to terms that this friend that I have may not even really be my friend.

I met her in grade nine and we've hung out quite a bit since then. We've talked about a lot of different things, and have had classes together. At one point, I may have even considered her to be my best friend. But sadly, those feelings haven't continued on to the present.

I don't hate her, that's not it at all. As I was thinking over our friendship, I started dissect things about her and I's relationship. Flaws we had and things that are good about us. And, as you can probably predict, the flaws weighed out more than the good.

Things I found good about her and I are that we are nice to each other and that we could carry conversations with one another without things getting too awkward. But honestly, that's all I could really think of. Obviously there was that we had a few common interest(books and an anime or two)but the list wasn't very long.

Through this dissection I started to focus on how heavy some of the flaws were. Some of them weren't that terrible but a select few really stood out to me on why I can't find myself to consider her my best friend.

We barely have anything in common, so our conversations seemed to be repetitive and dry. A problem I had was that I never truly made much effort to hangout with her one on one as she did with me(mainly because I don't plan social gatherings of any kind). I feel like I can't banter with her without it going so far that I don't find it funny anymore.

Whenever we do hangout, I feel like I have to put in so much effort to actually try and seem 100% intuitive about what is going on and that I can't flat out say "no I don't wanna do that" without her getting upset or 'sulky'(kinda like pouty to the point that others feel guilty)

And finally(probably the biggest deal breaker I have in ANY form of relationship)I feel like I can't talk to her about anything involving how she makes me feel or how our friendship is going without her making me feel bad for feeling that way.

Now I'm not saying that I'm perfect and that I have done no wrongs. I'm not saying she won't feel like I have problems. But these are what I can't handle about her.

With my other friends, I can effortlessly make banter, hangout with and discuss feelings with them. I don't stress, I don't worry and I don't feel as drained when I'm with them.

Like today(it's past midnight so, yesterday?)I hung out with a group of my friends for over 3 hours and I not once felt annoyed, uncomfortable, awkward or upset. I didn't have to make forced conversation and I didn't have to watch what I said. I actually 100% enjoyed myself today. But with this friend, I don't always enjoy our group/individual hang outs.

I know that comparing friendships is bad, but it's how I can see if someone is a close friend to me. And I want to tell her how I feel, because it's only fair to not only me for getting this out of my system but for her as well.

I've also(not in a while anyway)never had to ask friends for excessive space. I had been in a mood for a while and I asked her for a bit of breathing room because I honestly felt suffocated and she wasn't helping the situation. I was also worried that I would have snapped at her and hurt her feelings.

She recently asked me if "we were good" and I honestly can't bring myself to say yes. Because we're not good. I can't say to someone that I don't completely want in my life that "we're good" And what made it all worse was she pulled the "I still consider you my best friend card"

I say she pulled the card not because I think she's 'desperate'. I say that because throughout my needed space, and many times before that, she would say something along those lines which I not only hate but feel uncomfortable when said. I hate this because it makes me feel like I'm either obligated to say it back, or that I'm obligated to feel the same way.

That line, and that line alone, is one of the reasons why I can't tell her I just want to remain friends. Because she thinks more of me than I of her. She's also not been very lucky in the friendship department when she was younger so I feel like a bitch for not being able to call her my best friend and feel like she is. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I asked a few of my friends what I should do, and one said I should talk to her, but that I need to think about what I say before I say it. Although all three think I should let the chips fall where they may. One example of this was that I shouldn't "make so much time for her"(i.e., when she asks to hanging out I flat out say no I don't want to or that I don't speak to her as much)But I feel like that's a terrible way to treat someone, even though I have said I wanted alone time(because time away from her is something I needed) whenever she brought up hanging out recently.

So yeah, I needed to seriously get this off my chest, because it's taking over my life. Not literally but I feel like it is. Comment down below what you think I should do. I've never been in this situation before - either the other person was sick of me, it was mutual, or it naturally just happened - so I am lost.

Thank you for reading all the way if you did. I really appreciate it.

x suad