MY RANTS MOFOS

Dysphoria

Alright a few less people can relate to this but none the less I'm gonna rant about how aNNOYING AND FRUSTRATING DYSPHORIA IS IM-

So if you don't know what dysphoria is here's a definition I found on the interweb:  a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. It can also mean someone that is not comfortable in their current body, particularly in cases of gender dysphoria.

So there you go, that's dysphoria.

More common in transgender people which, I am transgender people. Which means I have it and it sucks so much dick.

Like honestly every little thing that reminds me I'm a girl triggers it. Even people calling me by my birth name. But that happens a hell of a lot so I'm  c o n s t a n t l y  h a t i n g  m y s e l f.

Its the absolute worst feeling in the world especially when I'm having a good day and out of no where someone says my birth name and then everything comes crashing down all at once and it just ruins my entire day.

AND IT WAS PROBABLY MEANT INNOCENTLY ITS NOT LIKE THEY MEANT TO MAKE ME DEPRESSED OR ANYTHING THEY JUST WANTED TO GET MY ATTENTION I MEAN THEY DIDNT MEAN TO PURPOSEFULLY. But that excuse is only allowed for a select few people.

Because I told almost all of my friends about my transgenderness and that I want to be called Caleb but most of them STILL REFUSE TO CALL ME BY MY NAME. THEY CALL ME BY MY BIRTH NAME ALL THE TIME AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY.

Whats eVEN WORSE (yes it gets worse) is that I can't ever pass for a boy even if  I wanted to since my parents wont allow me to get my hair cut again I probably won't pass for a boy ever until I'm allowed to do whatever I want with my hair or when I have enough money for it.

I hate my hair, its too long for a boy. I'm too short to be a boy I like fancy clothes too much for a boy. No wonder nobody thinks I am actually a boy and wont call me by my respected name. Fucking hell

SEE THIS IS WHAT I MEAN. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN MY HEAD WHEN I GET CALLED BY THE WRONG NAME OR PRONOUNS EXCEPT THIS IS HEAVILY FILTERED. ITS SO MUCH WORSE. BUT THIS IS MORE OR LESS WHAT HAPPENS AND I DIDNT EVEN MEAN TO WRITE THIS IT JUST HAPPENED. sorry if that was triggering to anyone, :/ didnt mean to. Love you you're awesome.

But that's not the only thing, my parents know about my transgenderness and idk if I talked about this in my last chapter but they are so fUCKING disrespectful about my gender and my pronouns it's absolutely ridiculous. All I'm asking is for some support and respect honestly I deal with so much shit but my life isn't even that bad and I'm ranting about nothing when someone else could have much worse problems then I do but omfg. It's annoying as hell, my parents refusing and my friends refusing and my teachers being oblivious of my very noticeable mood change when they call me "she" or "her" or by my birth name.

Okay y'all I'm sorry I don't update on here often but I've been busy with school and volleyball and dance class and my therapy appointments and my drum lessons and my social life I'm sorry. It's not a good excuse but it's not like many people read this anyways. But ty to the people that do. I'll try to update sooner but I don't wanna promise anything.

UPDATE: I said this in the last chapter, I have realized that I am non binary and I am not transgender now. I don't want to remove this chapter or change anything but if that's what you want tell me please 😊