Insanity (Skillet Fanfiction)

Chapter 8: A Good for Nothing

*WARNING: TRIGGER ALERT*

❤John's POV❤

We got home afterwards. No words were spoken on the way home. Everyone was just sharing looks. Perhaps they're planning on how to get rid of me? I wouldn't blame them. After all, I'm just a big hindrance to everybody's life. I never deserved to live. Dad was right. I'm cursed.

Once Korey opened the main door, I brushed pass by her and ran to our room. I slammed the door shut and cried alone in the dark.

What have I done? I'm a complete failure! Dad should've killed me when he had the chance. Everyday the following thoughts haunt me:

I made my own father killed himself because of me.
I'm losing my sanity.
I've failed to perform well in our past concerts and brought shame to the whole band.
And... I've hurt my own wife.

Why have I hurt my Korey? I love her. I promised not to her since I slipped our engagement ring in her finger. Why did I break it? What if I...

What if I hurt the children next? What if I hurt them and they would all leave me because of fear?

What if I become a... MONSTER?!
I... I can't think straight.

So many unanswered questions filled my mind. Then something came into my mind- a memory that I'd really love to forget. I hurt Alex once when she was just a little girl. Her mother didn't know about it but I do hope Alex doesn't remember it.

*FLASHBACK*
I've just arrived home late from work. When the band was still starting, we weren't famous enough so I had to work even at night just to fulfill our basic needs.

I came home differently. I was really really exhausted and... really hot-headed. Alex was still up. That made me angry 'cause it was past midnight but I tried to keep my nerves down.

"Alex, please go to bed now. It's way past your bedtime." I said with a sweet tone.

"No! I'm still playing." she whined while jumping up and down in front of me, holding her most loved doll.

I don't know what came over me but I slapped her super hard. She fell on the floor from the force. It took me a minute to realize she was already crying. Her cheek was bright red. Good thing Korey was sound asleep upstairs.

"Alex... Alex, Daddy's sorry, okay? Daddy didn't mean it. I was just-" I kneeled in front of her to hug her but she cut me off.

"Get away from me! I hate you!"

Alex ran upstairs and left me all alone to wade in guilt.

And that memory haunted me for years.

*End of Flashback*

That's it! I'm so sick of myself.

I'm a terrible husband.
I'm a terrible father.
And I'm a horrible human being.
I don't know if I'm human at all.

I grabbed a bottle of pills and started taking them all at once. I'm starting to get woozy. I picked up a razor from my cabinet. I haven't used this for a very long time. I've missed it!

I dug the razor down my wrist. It bled but didn't kill me automatically. I want my demise to be something more. I cut every single part of my body, including my face. I want to bleed more. I miss the metallic smell of blood. The blood from my every deep wound heavily poured down the floor and the rug. I began to strip down my clothes and head towards the bathroom leaving trails of blood behind me.

I turned on the faucet in the bathtub and waited for the water to rise up. Once it did, I let myself on the tub. The water seeped inside my fresh wounds. It stung for a while but I managed to like it. The crimson fluid stenched the water completely.

All of a sudden, I was sunk in the tub. I was drowning.

I don't care if I die. After all, nobody needs me in this world. I'm terrible at everything I do. Everyday stays the same- I can't change who I am.

I am stupid.
I am worthless.
I am a weakling.
I couldn't even defend myself from dangerous people since I was an adolescent.
I get picked on a lot. So why would I deserve to live? I have so many imperfections.

I want to be someone else... someone PERFECT.

I can't breathe anymore. The water's filling my nose and my throat. But the truth is, I'm not doing this...

Something else is drowning me.

Help me...