A Conflicted New Home: Kylo Ren x Reader

Chapter Ten

You stayed in your quarters during the next few days, leaving only to grab your portion of food that you ended up barely touching. Hux often sent notes with Stormtroopers, asking how you were doing. Most of the time you declined to respond.
For the most part, you read your old textbooks, trying to distract yourself from what had happened by diving into your work instead. You wrote out a comprehensive diagram on your task as to why Ren was the way he was.
You had already concluded that it was his past that was causing him to be so torn between his current work and the work his family did. On your second day cooped up in your room, you sent a note to Hux with a Stormtrooper requesting your own datapad. It wasn't even a half hour later when a new one arrived at your door, pristine in a box.
With your new datapad, you researched what you could find about the old war. You hadn't even been thought of during this time in your parents eyes, but you thought of Papa and his work with the resistance. You tried to learn as much as you could about what Darth Vader had desired and what you knew to be the path Ren ultimately wanted to follow. You wrote things down in your notebook, connecting the dots and learning more about the man who had saved you.
You sat at your small desk when you heard a knock on the door. Sighing, you stood up and shut off your datapad, suspecting it was a Stormtrooper with a note from the General again. You opened the door and a Stormtrooper shoved a note at you. You looked down, taking the note hesitantly.
"From Kylo Ren," he informed you. You nodded your head and thanked him, shutting the door as you unfolded the note.
Room 232
You stared at it, your eyebrows knitted together. Why was he sending you a note with his room number on it? You sat on the edge of your bunk, crumpling the note up in your fist. You wondered if he needed you for something. Maybe he was having an episode.
It was your job to calm him and treat his anger. You changed out of your pajamas and dragged yourself down the hallway. You paused outside his door, listening silently for any noise within. Perhaps he wasn't having an episode, and maybe this was a trick to get you out of your room. Irritably, you turned to leave, wondering why people couldn't just leave you alone for a few days. You had gotten special permission from Hux to have a few days off.
Behind you, the door to his room slid open and you turned around. You sighed to yourself and walked a few steps back, looking in the room to see no one nearby.
"What a surprise to see you out of your room," you heard Ren's voice echo sarcastically in the room connected. You looked into his office where the two of you normally held your meetings. The two chairs where you normally inhabited were pushed out of the way, residing against a back wall. Your eyes adjusted to the darkness for a moment as you took a step forward.
"I came here because I thought you needed me for something," you sneered into the darkness. "I didn't come to be ridiculed for keeping to myself." You walked a step closer to the other room, hearing the door slide shut behind you. As your eyes grew accustomed to the underlit room, your eyes finally settled on a figure sitting on his feet with their back turned to you.
"What are you doing?" You asked him, the acid in your tone still present.
"Meditating," Ren answered simply. Your eyes squinted and you noticed his helmet sitting beside his knees, his head bowed. You had never really seen him so calm.
"Why did you summon me?" You asked him as you crossed your arms, leaning against the door frame.
"I wanted to show you how to meditate."
"How noble of you," you responded irritably. "Why didn't you tell me during our sessions that this was a technique you used?"
"I do not use it for relaxation, like those foolish Jedi's," Ren told you. "I use it for power. Meditation has been used for generations by Sith Lords to concentrate their anger, their fear, and their loathing into a pure point of power within them."
"Why do you feel you need to do this?" You asked him quietly.
You could sense his hesitation, "General Hux's men and I are landing in Jakku this evening. We have sufficient evidence to assume the map leading to Luke Skywalker is there."
You gazed at him through the darkness for a moment, unsure of how to respond to his statement. He looked up out the window and you watched as his silhouette was illuminated by the stars outside his window. You felt a twinge of appeal towards him but your thoughts were quickly overtaken by the mass hysteria of what would be Jakku later that evening.
Hesitating, you walked up next to him and sat down.
"Why are you doing this?" you asked him, sitting as he did in front of his window.
He didn't speak immediately, but stayed in one solid position, his eyes closed and eyebrow knitted into one. He was concentrating, you surmised.
"The Light killed my Grandfather," he told you, his voice echoing in the dark.
"Your grandfather?" you hesitated, knowing who he was speaking of. "Darth Vader?"
"Luke Skywalker killed my grandfather and his Master," you stared at him under the illuminating stars, your face contorted with confusion. Somewhere in your memory, you could recall stories your father had once told you about Luke Skywalker and his bravery. Something told you what Ren was saying was untrue, but you couldn't put your finger on it.
"So this is where your desire to find him stems from?" You asked him, both of your voices just above a whisper. "You wish to avenge your grandfather's death?"
"My grandfather was a brave man. Bold when no other man during his time was. I idolize him deeply."
"I understand," you tell him, feeling yourself sinking back into a counseling relationship with Ren. You didn't understand, that much was obvious to yourself. How could you understand the depth of this man's emotions sitting next to you? How could you understand why he chose Darth Vader to look up to over the other heroes that grew in his family? You stared at him in the dark still, your eyes drifting over his profile.
"And your family?" he asked you, opening his eyes for the first time. "Why did your father chose to work for the Resistance when he could have had lived peacefully under my grandfather's rule?"
"I don't think he wanted to be ruled," you told him honestly, feeling the hesitation in your voice. "I think that is the point of the resistance."
You paused for a moment and looked away, "I think you still have light in you. The way you had saved me the other day. The ruthless Kylo Ren would never have done such a thing. He would have watched me be raped."
He was silent and for a moment, you were afraid he was going to become angry with you. You tensed as you heard the sounds of his leather gloves clenching under his grip. You glanced at his hands resting on his thighs out of the corner of your eye, watching his hands flex. Finally, he spread them flat on his pants, rubbing them against the fabric.
"I'm sorry," you apologize quickly. "I didn't mean to upset you. "
He didn't respond as you watched him close his eyes. It was almost like watching someone try to calm themselves from a panic attack. Was having someone mention his stance in the Force that much of a trigger for him? if you could see the air in the room, you would be able to trace how quickly it was pulling and receiving from his nose.
"See, you can control your emotions," you tell him with a tense smile. Quickly, he stood up and you could feel the connection you had with him push away. You turned to look at him as he hunched himself over his desk. His symptoms were suddenly mirroring those of anxiety.
You stood up walking up beside him. You felt conflicted suddenly. You felt a different part of you other than your counseling side reaching for him. You stared at him as he shook his head, his anger fleetingly replaced with what looked like remorse and guilt. You felt sorry for him, you finally concluded. He was so conflicted. The light and the dark within him constantly tugging at his heart.
"You should continue meditating," you suggested to him quietly.You were trying to distract him, you realized. You considered that maybe he was anxious about this evening, the light in him telling him not to. The light in him reminding him that Luke Skywalker was his own blood relative.
"Perhaps you could teach me like you suggested." Your voice was almost quivering and you couldn't tell why. After a few moments, his shoulders relax and the two of you retreated to the spots you had occupied on the floor moments before.
He was stiff as he turned to you, his face somber and his eyebrows pointed up where they came together.
"Turn to face me," he instructed you, his voice placid. "And sit on your feet."
You followed his directions. He told you to close your eyes, and you did so. You felt a small laugh creep across your lips but you suppressed it.
"You have to clear your thoughts," his deep voice told you. "Concentrate on emptying your mind."
There were a few beats of silence between the two of you.
"You're not concentrating," he spoke, his voice sounding irritated.
"It's rather hard for me right now," you confessed.
You stiffened as he moved closer to you.
"What are you doing?" You asked, your voice betraying you with panic. You didn't look at him, but you could feel how close he was to you. Was he reading your mind again? What was his hand doing so close to your face?
"I'm helping you," he drawled crossly.
You kept your eyes closed and your head straight ahead, trying not to think about how terribly close to him you were. What were you doing? Why were you feeling like this?
Suddenly, your mind became blank. You felt an overwhelming sense of tranquility wash over you as your mind traveled to a place so peaceful you wondered if you were even still awake. Your back was rigidly straight as sat on the floor of Ren's room, drowning in this peace you had never felt before. Your breathing became shallow and your heart rate declined.
"Master Ren!" You were jolted from trance, your head turning in the direction of the door behind you. Someone was pounding on the door to Ren's room. But you weren't really thinking about that right now. Ren's hand was still lifted to hover over the back of your head but your face was now inches from his. He let out a slow breath as he too realized what had happened. Despite the darkness, you were positive he could feel the heat that radiated from your face as he lowered his hand hesitantly, letting it hover over your arm.
"What is it?" He answered the man, his voice booming as his eyes searched your face. You had never been this close to him, you thought. You had never seen the way the freckles on his face danced across his nose or the specks of gold that glimmered in his deep hazel eyes. You felt an overwhelming urge to turn away, but you couldn't bring yourself to do it. The calm that you had felt moments before had quickly vanished as it replaced itself with an emotion you hadn't felt in a very long time.
You found yourself staring at his lips as they parted, his breathing shallow to match your own. His hand finally decided to rest itself on your arm, lightly dragging itself down to your elbow.
"The ship is being prepared and will be ready momentarily." You felt heat pooling between your legs. Was he leaning closer or were you? You stared at his mouth, unable to look away.
A moment later, you felt your body exhale as his lips were on yours, and the grip he had on your elbow tightening with craving.
"The General requests your presence there at once. He would like to go over the battle plan once more with you and the troops before take off."
You breathed out against his mouth, feeling the desire you had kept hidden away and pent up finally surfacing. He pressed his lips harder against yours, his hunger becoming apparent to you. You found yourself matching his desire and kissing him back, grasping his robe and pulling him closer. His other hand gripped your uniform at your waist, neither of you knowing what to do. Without much effort, he deepened your kiss with fervor.
"Master Ren!" the voice boomed again from the other side of the door. You pulled away but his lips began kissing your cheek, your jaw and finally burying his face in your neck. You breathed out heavily, your other hand snaking up his neck as your fingers sifted through his thick black hair.
A fist pounded on the door and Ren finally pulled away.
"All right!" He bellowed, his gaze fixated on you. You didn't know what to think or how to react. He pressed his lips against yours once more as if to keep a memory of what just happened in his mind for the rest of the evening. Finally, he stood up and grabbed his helmet. A moment later he was gone, leaving you paralyzed with desire and confusion on the floor of his room.