After the Beep

August 27th, 2014

"How long have you been up?" My father walks into the kitchen as I place my 2nd cup of coffee down.

"You should ask if I even went to sleep." I said playfully...well I tried.

My dad's expression turned into something down. I know it hurt him seeing me like this. I don't know how to make him feel better, when I can't even make myself. Most of the time, it is easier to help others. Even though it means you continue to fall apart in the process.

"Well, it's almost seven. Do you have an early shift today?" I ask him. That when I see he is already dressed in his uniform. Pointless to ask.

"When don't I? But I'll see if I can get off early and make it to the hospital."

I stand up from the kitchen island, and walk over to the coffee machine. Grabbing a mug, I place it down and begin to pour the hot brown liquid into it. I put sugar, and add a touch of creamer to it.

"Here." I place the cup in front of my father.

"Thanks sweetheart." He smiles at me warmly.

We sit in silence for a moment. But it's comfortable.

So much has happened, and I find myself in less need of the use of words. I am finally coming to realize that there is so much that words can not even begin to express. The deep thoughts, unconscious actions, hidden emotions, and everything else that is buried under. Things that you do not realize are there until after they have surfaced.

I sigh and lean into my dad, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Your mother would've been so proud of how well you turned out. Your one of the strongest person I've met all my years on this planet. It's obvious you get it from her."

I smiled at the though of my mom. I miss her, everyday. Yes, my father and I may act like it is just the two of us against the world, but the reality? We aren't anything we used to be when she was around.

"I should get going. Call me if you need anything. If you can't reach me, try calling Kathy."

"Alright. Bye dad."

"See you later." He replied.

The moment he closed the door, the house felt even more empty. Especially since it was only me here.

I pulled out my phone and stared at it for a long while. I then went to my voice mails and asked what was there to be scared of?

So much.

I ignored my subconscious, and went to the second message and pressed play. Anxious to hear the shortest few minutes of Devon's voice, but terrified of what he was to say.

(Play)

Do you remember how we met?

Well, I am 100% sure you do. I mean, how could we forget. That was the first day of the best days of our lives.

At least I like to think it was.

It was.

We were only in the 2nd grade. This story seems cliche to most, but we were at lunch. And I saw you. I remember like it was yesterday.

You were sitting all alone, I wasn't sure why, but all I knew was that I was gonna fill that empty seat next to you.

I sat down, and said hi.

That was one of the best decisions I ever made.

So you must believe me when I say this.

The day you came into my life, was the day I started living.

But that was only the beginning of our story.

(End of message)

Is this the end?

I sat there, completely stilled. I could find a reaction that would express how I felt at that moment. I had run out of tears to shed, words to speak, and my heart was now in more pain than I knew I could take. How much more could I break, with my heart still staying in tact? 

Things weren't gonna be the same from now on, ever. Whether he dies or survives, there is no way I could forget this, nor could he. This is one of the things that he would help me get through, he was always by my side whenever I was at my lowest. I have reached rock bottom this time, and he is the one who dragged me down. How does one lift another up, if we both have heavy chains weighing us?

I can't stand the thought of losing him now. We were supposed to get through this whole battle...together. This feels like a cheat to me. As if he is staying behind and letting me walk this road alone.

He could've talked to me. He could've gotten through this, he has gone through so much worse, and he survived. Quitting now is the worst mistake he could've made.

In my mind are thousands of questions running a race that has no end. Questions that I feel, will never be answered. Questions that will eventually drive me to the point of insanity. The main questions:

Why?

This may be about me a little bit more than it is him, but I am pissed. I may or may not have a right to be, but I don't give a damn by this point. Maybe that's what I am, and that is how you could describe how I am feeling. Angry. Though that doesn't seem to describe me at this moment too accurately. I feel so many things, that by this point I choose to turn off every emotion. To the point where there is little trace of who I was just 2 days before.

What one word could I use to describe how I am feeling?

Void.