Put Up Or Shut Up

Jasey Rae

(These images that fill my head, now keep my fingers from making mistakes.Tell my voice what it takes, to speak up, speak up, and keep my conscience clean when I wake.)

Since the night of Alex and Rian's birthday party, I'd came back out of my chell and was enjoying myself again, whether it was simply taking walks at night with Alex or going to the Ravens games with the guys. When a trip to Pennsylvania with the guys came up, I didn't hesitate to come along with them for the weekend while they did a show there. When the guys were deciding what state and venues to go back to that they'd been to before Alex seemed a little hesitant to go back, being the only person that didn't want to go there.

After the meeting at Rian's house, Alex and I went back to his to finish our psychology project because all of our stuff was there. I lay on his bed on my stomach as Alex ordered our report, putting the graphs and appendices in before placing it in the folder and sighing with relief when it was done. "So." I began, "What's up with Pennsylvania?" He looked up at me vacantly before shaking his head and mumbling "Nothing." I sighed, rolling my eyes and turning onto my back and looked up at his ceiling. I heard him get up and walk over, placing his hands beside my shoulders and looking down at me from above, so I couldn't see the ceiling anymore. "There's nothing up with Pennsylvania as a place...it's just I have history with someone there, that'll be at the show on Saturday and I don't want to cause any drama." He said sighing, leaning down and kissing me softly a few times before bringing his head back up. "Let me guess. It's a girl, who you may have written a song about called Jasey Rae that you won't perform live yet, because you want her to hear it first." He looked at me, raising his eyebrows and sitting next to me. "Damn, you're good."

I put my hand on his, lifing my index finger to traces patterns over his skin. "You never really talk about her, I mean I'm guessing it isn't the normal 'ex talk' because I mean, there were a few exes that I experienced before we got together. She must've been special." He sighed, turning his hand over and taking mine in it and squeezing it. "Kinda..." He turned and looked down at me, still deep in thought. "I mean she got me, she understood me. Nowhere near as much as you. I think that's what I liked about her, she knew me and she was beautiful, but that was it. I didn't feel the spark of electricity that I felt with you, and that night after the gig we stayed at her house and got a little drunk while we watched movies. One thing led to another, and the next morning I woke up with her in her parent's bed aching and she told me she loved me, and I said it back because I thought it was right to say, but I know I shouldn't have. I regret saying it because although we carried on talking and IM-ing for a while, I got too busy with the guys and started to forget and we just...stopped." He sighed and I sat up, taking his face in my hands and whispering "The distance would obviously make it hard, I know." He'd told be briefly about Jasey, not naming her or saying where she was from. To the other guys it was a tour story, but to Alex it was a regret. He regretted saying what he said to her, he regretted having sex with her, not because of her but because he knew he wouldn't keep his word.

"Will you sing me it to me?" I asked, taking my hands from his face as he nodded, getting up and taking his guitar from by the door and sitting on the edge of the bed. He strummed a few times to make sure it was in tune and get it right before he started. I moved to the floor, sitting cross-legged at his feet as closed his eyes and the words came to him. I listened intently as he criticised himself, and how he wanted her forgiveness for what he had done. Just before he began the final verses, he looked up into my eyes and sang my favourite part.

"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar. I've never made a bet but we gamble with desire, I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames are getting out of control.

Call me a name, kill me with words, forget about me that's what I deserve.

I was your chance to get out of this town, but I ditched the car and left you to wait outside I, hope the past will serve to remind you that my hard is as cold as the clouds of your breath, and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest..."