Unspeakable - Phan

Eighteen

Phil,

Hey. If you're reading this now, I'm probably dying or dead. Don't freak out. I needed to do this. It was always going to happen. Everything has just been kicking me in the ass. My paranoia, depression, anxiety. Everything.

Yes, I guess this is a suicide note.

I want to start off by saying this isn't your fault. I love you, okay? No matter where I am. Maybe I'm looking down on you right now. Maybe I'm a star. Just like you said. I could be the brightest star in the sky, looking after you and caring about you.

You know, you've helped me hang on. You helped me stay alive just for a while longer. It was you that made me happy. You always bring a smile to my face.

Just please don't make me live. I can't live any longer. I know it's so selfish that I did this, but I couldn't. I couldn't go on. I didn't know who I was, and I still don't. 

Phil, you'll probably call the ambulance. Which is sweet. But I don't want you to do that. It'll hurt.

Also, look after Dil, won't you?

I love you Phil. A lot. But life is just scaring me. It's being terrible. It's scaring me.

I'm scared, Phil. It's so scary, not knowing who you are. What you are, and when you'll be happy again. It's so, so scary.

I remember when we'd look at the sky. The stars were so beautiful. They reminded me of you. When I'm up there, every star I see will remind me of you. I'll never forget you.

I want you to smile. Your smile was the best thing in my life. It could always make the room light up, no matter what. So, please smile. For me.

So, I guess I need to tell you exactly why I did it. I told you some of it, but I need to tell you all of it.

Well, life is scaring me. Everyone around me is getting hurt. My mum died because of me. It was my fault she died. If I wasn't stupid, she'd still be here. It's my fault my dad takes drugs and drinks. He hates his son. I'm so disgusting, and pathetic. I understand why he does that, and hurts me. He wishes he had an amazing son, and I'm not that. I'm no where near that. I'm disgusting. Amanda got hurt by my dad because of me. She stood up for me and got hurt. It's me. It's all me. I can't stand myself. I scare myself to death. I'm my own nightmare. I'm the demon at the end of the bed, and the one lurking in the closet.

How can a demon be with an angel? I don't know. I don't know how you could stand me. I was so clingy, and gross. But we loved each other.

Take care of yourself, yeah? Don't beat yourself up over this. You deserve to be happy. Don't be sad that I'm gone, be happy. I'm a burden, and now that burden is gone. You're free of me. Someone that dragged you down, stopped you from achieving your dreams is gone.

But Phil, you don't understand fully how I feel while writing this. I feel upset, nervous, and scared. I'm crying. I can hear you outside.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry Phil. I love you. I love you so, so much.

You're perfect. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You were the source of my happiness. You were the one that helped. You were my therapy.

But, it's time that I leave. Say goodbye to this cruel world. Go to heaven, or even hell. Probably hell.

So, goodbye.

You don't understand how much I'll miss you.

But, I have to go. I promise I'll look after you, and be with you.

Goodbye.

I'll miss you.

- Dan