Walls

Chapter 17-Ribs

Isn't funny how we can hate everything about ourselves and yet someone love everything about us? How we can change and change and it's still not enough?

It's been a month of touring so far and it's going pretty well. I'm lonely without Ed since he's on tour too, but at least I have the dancers to hang out with. After the events of last tour Caitlin and grant are not longer with me. I still speak to them on occasion, but not as much. They apologized when they found out about my eating disorder. Tried to take the blame, but it really wasn't them at all. It was everything, everyone, even myself.
Even though this tour is amazing, it sure is taking a lot out of me. I'm very tired and lethargic most of the time. My clothes are baggy and huge on me now from all the exercise. I'm not sure how that is though. I'm still huge. All I can see in the mirror is lard covering my body. I'm getting there though. Soon I'll be able to pinch every part of myself and there won't be anything to pinch. Soon I'll be done with the diet. But until then I eat 250 calories a day, mostly filling on water and then I'll have one salad with just vegetables and no dressing.
I had to get extensions recently. My hair has been falling out due to all the stress of this tour. It looks fine now though.
People have been saying I've lost too much, even fans in loft 89 and my meet and greet, but they're just being nice. I still have 30 pounds to lose. I've decided to stop at 70 pounds. That'll be a good weight. Usually at that weight you can count your ribs, your stomach dips, and your thigh gap is miles wide. Exactly how I should be. Skinny.
On my way to my hotel I stop and grab a salad and more waters and then get on my way. Everyone else uses the catering service, but I don't. It's too fattening. All of the boys can handle it because they're metabolisms are quick and they workout a lot. I can't though. Everything I put in my mouth sticks straight to me.
Ed says he's coming to see me tonight and I'm really happy about it. I'm nervous of what he'll think of how much fatter I've gotten, but I suppose it's okay. He wants me to gain weight or so he says.
Ed's pov
I walk up to Taylor's hotel room and go in with the key she left at the desk for me. The place is neat, just some suitcases strewn along. I search for Taylor, finally I find her laying on the bed. She's wearing a large tshirt and some baggy sweatpants. She's huddled under thick blankets even though this room is practically a desert. She's always cold though. Well she used to be really cold and then it got better after treatment. Maybe the last place she was in was just way warmer.
"Hey babe!" I say as I walk towards her.
"Hey!" She smiles and scurries to me. I hardly hear her foot steps as she walks over.
When I go I pick her up, I expect her to be much heavier. She's as light as a feather and her ribs poke me even through her thick layers. She's lost a ton of weight.
I hold her back to get a good look at her. Her eyes are still their vibrant blue, yet they're dull and tired. There are bags under her eyes and her cheeks are hollow. Her fair complexion is ghastly and her arms and legs thin.
I remember the sweatpants she's wearing too. They used to fit perfectly, but not I could fit three of her in them.
"You want to go grab some food?" I decide to ask, testing the waters.
There's a flick of something in her eyes. Panic or fear. I recognize it from the first time I offered her food when I saw her after the red tour. I feel a pain in my chest. She's spiraling again. I'm not sure what to say though. Whether to call her out or ignore it. I'm sure as hell not putting her back in a rehab though. It did nothing but make her feel worse. The only reason she recovered was what I did when she got out.
"Oh um I already ate." She lies.
"Come on, let's just grab some appetizers or something from Applebee's. There's one right down the street."
"I said I ate." She retorts. A tactic she always used to use.
MERRY CHRISTMAS