Misbegotten

Eighteen

"And you chose them."

"And that was wrong," he stated. "I love them and I respect them, but I have to choose me, I owe it to myself to do that."

"You do," I told him. 

He nodded and we went quiet. I picked up the envelope in my hands.

"If I know you well enough, like I think I do, you want me to open this for you," I commented. 

He nodded. I went to start opening it, but he stretched out his hand, stopping me momentarily.

"No matter what the letter says, I'd like you to try and forgive me, please."

I said nothing in return and opened the rest of the envelope and pulled out the letter. I read it quietly before handing it over to him.

"Congratulations, you're future awaits." 

I couldn't help but smile as he read the letter. His eyes lit up, and the huge grin that I remembered him for stretched across his face.

"I got in," the disbelief in his tone made me soften towards him slightly. Underneath it all I still felt the hurt and betrayal. I had honestly trusted him; I'd never trusted anyone so fast. Even with Loren it took me almost a year before I opened up to her and told her everything that was going on. I was scared to trust him again. Absolutely terrified. After he'd finished gawking at the letter he looked back over to me.

"So," he began.

"Declan, look," I sighed. "I'm incredibly glad that you are going to start making decisions for yourself, especially decisions that make you happy. But I just don't know if –" I fumbled off, not really knowing how to describe my insecurities about getting involved with him again.

"It all happened very fast," I said finally. "And it ended just as quickly. I'm not completely convinced that it won't happen again."

"It won't," he said firmly.

"That's very easy to say," I told him. I rubbed my forehead, feeling the beginning of a headache setting in.

"I promise you Sofia, that it won't."

"I can't believe you."

"Can't or won't?"

"What does it matter, I just," I sighed exasperated. "Keeping you out of my thoughts this week has been just about the most impossible task ever. You seriously hurt me, and I don't know if you waltzing in here with a change of heart does much to change my mind."

"What are you saying?"

"You're all talk. What happens when your parents find out, when they disapprove – because they will – what then?"

"We'd work it out," he tried, but I shook my head again.

"And you wouldn't cave, like last time?"

"No, I wouldn't."

"How do you know that?" I was almost yelling and I willed myself to calm down. Everything was just coming up at once. Every single emotion I had suppressed was swirling out in the open and I was having a hard time trying to control it.

"I just know now. You trusted me once, why can't you do it again."

"I don't know if I can," I sighed.

"Sofia, listen to me." He leaned closer so that he was looking directly into my eyes. "I will not repeat my mistakes. I may be a lot of things, but I would never lie to you."

I opened my mouth to retort but realised that technically he had never lied to me. He had concealed how judgmental his parents were, but he was honest when I confronted him. I stepped back, making some space between us.

"You need to leave," I replied.

"What?"

"You need to leave and I need time to think about this," I told him slowly, hoping he would get the message quickly and make this as painless as possible.

"Why?"

"Because our whole relationship – if you can even call it that because it was so short – was based on us both making very quick decisions. If we're going to try this again then I need to be sure. I need to be able to trust you."

"How do I prove it to you? I'll do anything. Anything at all."

He was practically pleading with me now but I couldn't let that fact alone change my mind. This is what my mum would've told me to do if she were here. I was sure of it.

"I need time."

"Okay, I'll give you time, I'll give you anything you need. I'll do whatever it takes Sofia to prove to you that I'm not the same guy I was last week."

I almost snorted at how absurd that sounded.

"What difference does a week make?"

"You of all people know the answer to that. I'm sure you don't need me to explain it to you."

When I said nothing he shrugged his shoulders and began walking out of the room.

"I'll leave then, I hope I'll see you soon."

I stood their silently as his eyes washed over me before he sighed, obviously deciding he was fighting a battle that'd he'd already lost, and turned away. It was only after the door slammed that I felt the weight of the conversation. It hit me like a brick, knocking the air out of me, and causing me to have to lean against the counter for support.

All of this had happened in a little less than two weeks. I'd known Declan for such a short amount of time that the idea of trusting him again sounded so ridiculous. But he was willing to fight for me. I didn't have many of those people around. Chelsea was still scared of Florence, Cameron was trying in his own way, and dad had hardly spoken to me at all. Declan made me feel safe and alive and not so burdensome. Well, before his parents got a hold of him. 

I shook my head in an attempt to clear it and shovelled some popcorn in my mouth. If only I could be sure his parents weren't going to manipulate him anymore. I haven't had many light bulb moments in my life, where ideas flood your mind and you see a solution to your problems. My mum used to call it wishful thinking. But, suddenly the light in my head turned on and I could see it -  and Declan did say he was willing to do anything. I picked up my phone and found his number. I didn't allow myself time to hesitate. He picked up on the second ring and I spoke before he had the chance.

"Anything?"