Unsendable Love Letters

The Twelfth Letter

My universe,

I miss you. I still love you and I miss you. It's like there has been a piece ripped out of my soul, as if my heart is beating slower and the world is moving differently. Everything seems less magnificent. The poetry is leaking out of my body. You left. I can feel it. Not physically, but mentally - you drilled a hole in my skull and pulled out the strings. I miss you. I want to be close to you again. Oh, would you give me hope?

I need you. The fact that you are no longer occupying my mind only emphasizes my love for you. How can I go on with so many holes in my soul? I'm wondering if I did something wrong to deserve this distance. I cannot recall it. I know your lover despises me, but I also know you are far too intelligent to let yourself influenced by that. Nobody can touch you, we can only hope. Hope is a treacherous thing, is it not? Why do we feel it? Why does our soul want to deceive us, why do we trick ourselves, hoping for things that can never be? Perhaps because we like it, that desperate feeling of never-to-be-had happiness which can almost resemble real happiness, but just not quite.

I miss our conversations. I miss the sound of your laughter. I miss your presence. I miss your smile and your eyes. I miss how you used to hold me and how you used to talk to me. I just miss you. You've gone and I don't know why, and I don't think you realise what a gaping hole you've left. My universe has shifted, everything is out of balance, the stars are distorted and blurry and the light is dying. The universe is dying because its sun has gone.

How on earth is it possible to miss something you have never had? All I miss is the dream, the phantom of what may have been, and it's killing me. Every day the missed chance is waved in my face and I miss you. I miss the love I have never received, and will never receive either. I wish I could turn my feelings off.

How can I still love you after all this, why don't these feelings just leave since they are so useless, so foolish and pathetic? I am in love with someone who can't and won't ever love me back, and why? What have I done? I hate loving you and I love hating it because that way I know it's real. You have distanced yourself from me, perhaps for my own good, and yet it does not help. If anything, it makes it worse, because now, I not only love, but also miss you. And while you do not miss me, I will forever keep missing and loving you until the sun goes out and hell freezes over.

Forever yours,
And this will never change,
N.