Kelly's Hotline Ain't Blinging

Sacrifice Me To The Lords Jake!

Kelly's P.O.V.

I seem to have passed out and now I've woken up in the middle of a bedroom floor.

I stand up and it seems oddly familiar to me...where have I seen this room before? Maybe it's one of my friends' room. Just kidding, I have no friends, except for Jenny, but she's annoying so she doesn't count.

I'm about to walk around when someone covers my eyes with their dry hands. Like ew, put some moisturizer on!

"Guess who," the voice says.

Oh my frick frack he sounds cute, but stranger danger so, I answer to him with "SATAN!" , then stab him in the eye with an almond I found on the ground and blow on my rape whistle.

OMG ITS JAKE SMITH I WANT TO CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S MY FAV CHARACTER ON MY FAV SHOW JAKE AND JOSH AND IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO MEET HIM!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

"Hey", I say with very little swag. I've been low key stalking him on Instagram for like a week now and this is so amazing. I've been waiting my whole life for this.

"Hey, I love you" Jake says to me.

Wait, what? Did he really just say that? Wow, we're like practically married now tbh. He's my soulmate and we shall never be separated.

"Yes. Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yesssss. Yes"

"Um, excuse me?" Jake says confused, but he still looks so hot.

"Let's get married. Like right now. HAHAHAHA." I HOPE HE LIKES THE IDEA.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." Ooooooh man this wedding's gonna be so lit.

OMG I JUST REALIZED THAT I LIKE JAKE. NO WAIT, I DON'T LIKE HIM...I LOVE HIM!!! THIS IS SUCH AN EXCITING TIME FOR MY LIFE! I'M NOT BORING ANYMORE!

Three hours later...

Jake and I are living the good life, hosting MTV cribz when Jake's idiot brother, Josh, tells me about how I'm not allowed to wear my My Little Pony turn up socks because socks with ponies on them are ugly and far too childish and necessary. And there is a rule that I have to have blue hair to wear them for some reason.

"That's so dumb."

"I know right."

The next day, I'm walking in the West Domken, where the show takes place, when I see a seven year old child about to arrest him for swagolicious My Little Pony socks. Okay, this has gone too far. The kid is crying so much it sounds like a dying narwhal. I have to put an end to this discrimination!

"This is preposterous! I have my own rights and this is just foolish to not treat me like an equal! What difference does it make if I have blue hair or purple hair or red hair? We're all the same on the inside! I will not stand for this and if they send me to jail for this protest against the rules, I have no problem with that at all! Jesus take the wheel!" I start to cry like my sugar daddy just died and they simply just take me away to the state prison to live the rest of my life in a rotten jail cell. But at least I stood for what I believed in, no matter the consequence.

I change my name to Piper and dye my hair blonde. Blonde was the best colour to dye my hair at the moment because our outfits are orange and I'm hoping that orange is the new black around here. Things are pretty rough, but I have to remember that I did the right thing and that's what matters here.

Officer Shrubs calls me up to talk to a visitor. It's Bob Duncan. I pick up the phone and he starts to talk to me right away about his exterminating gossip, but I tell him to cut to the chase and to tell me what he actually came here to tell me about.

"WEll, I'd like to congratulate you on reaching the sixth stage of moral development: Universal ethical principles. Only up to about 15% of adults reach this stage and you're only fifteen! That is flabbergasting, Kelly! I'd like to give you a piece of information that'll be fairly useful to you right now: This is all a dream. Gotta go, bye!!!!! XOXO Gossip Girl."

WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS ALL A DREAM?