The Big Four - One Life

Chapter 12 - Sleeplessness

It was late at night. Merida was fidgeting in her sleep; she couldn't settle down no matter how hard she tried. Whichever way she lay down, her bed wasn't comfortable and she couldn't silence her brain which was spinning and shouting at her, keeping her awake. Eventually she had enough and climbed out of bed. She lit a candle and walked out into the silent corridor, making a brash decision that sounded fine in her slightly sleepy head.

Everyone had gone to bed and the guard on patrol was dozing, his head resting on his pike as his light snores echoed off the cold stone walls. Merida crept past him barefoot and opened Hiccup's door as quietly as she could. She thought she'd have to wake him up, but it was almost like he was expecting her. He was in his nightclothes, sitting at his desk and sketching. When he saw her he jumped and nearly shouted out but she shushed him with a finger to her lips.

"What're you doing here?" he whisper-yelled. Merida swallowed.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Nightmares?"

"Not really. I just can't settle down." She peered over at the parchment sketchbook which he seemed to be trying to hide. "What're you doing? Why aren't you sleeping?"

"Couldn't seem to -" he started, but then stopped. He sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"It does." Merida sat down on the edge of his bed and leant closer. His face seemed softer this close up and his eyes were glowing, but they weren't looking at her. He seemed to be staring into the distance, pondering something. "What's wrong?" Hiccup sat up a little, moved the sketchbook away under the desk, and leant further towards her.

"It's just, what if we don't beat them? What happens if we can't get Rapunzel's parents back? What happens if we get hurt?"

"I don't know," Merida whispered, sitting back, away from him. "Honestly, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't want anyone to get killed. I've only known everyone for a month, if that, and I already know I can't lose you." Hiccup turned to her and she stuttered. "You, Rapunzel, Jack..." She started mumbling. "Though that wouldn't be a problem for him I suppose, I mean, considering he's, well, he's immortal and all that I guess he couldn't be hurt as much as we could be I mean -"

"You know," Hiccup murmured, cutting her off gently, "you've been doing really well with that new compound bow I made you." She flushed before gaining her old demeanour.

"It's all because of the teacher," Merida said with a slight grin. "He did a pretty good job. He made it all somehow, work, for me. I wouldn't be anywhere without him." Hiccup smiled at the floor then looked up into her eyes. They were flickering in the light of the candle she'd placed on his desk and her hair was a heap of embers, glowing and sparking gently. She was close to him. Closer than usual. She whispered his name but he barely heard her; he just focused on her lips, pale pink and soft. What would it feel like, he wondered, if I got to, maybe, just, a little bit closer...

Both their eyes had fluttered half closed. Their noses brushed and Hiccup jumped to his senses. Guilt rushed through him and he stood up, not looking at her face, etched with confusion. He brushed himself down and muttered an apology that she ignored, totally.

"Why did you -?" she began, her brow furrowed.

"We can't," he replied bluntly, not allowing himself to look at her. "What if one of us gets killed? I can't let myself be responsible for putting you through so much misery over something that could never have happened!"

"You were a suitor for my hand!" Merida argued, standing too. He wasn't looking her in the eyes; it was like he was refusing to just to annoy her. "You were going to marry me if you won me! I never wanted to be used as an item, I would have been perfectly happy to marry if I was allowed to choose and get to know people! I've got to know you, yes it's in a time of war, but honestly?" 

She swallowed hard and looked defiantly at him. 

"You're all I ask for right now!"

"Merida - I can't go through that guilt," Hiccup replied, looking at the floor. "I can't, do that, allow myself to have you when we could die any day now. I can't live with that, knowing I caused all that misery if one of us dies, if I die. You have to understand that I'm doing this for you."

"No," Merida snapped, "you're doing it because you're selfish. You don't want to be in grief if I die. You don't want to allow me to feel that happiness. Even if we died tomorrow it doesn't matter. Neither of us can be happy. Fine."

She walked out briskly, a tear in her eye that she brushed away as quickly as it appeared, and closed the door as quietly as she could muster, making sure not to wake the guard. Hiccup could only watch as she left, his head hanging and almost wishing he'd allowed himself the one thing he'd promised himself he couldn't have.