The Pact (ptv fanfiction)

If I'm James Dean then you're Audrey Hepburn

I couldn't blame him for not knowing what self-harm was. It was only the year 2001 and it wasn't that much of a public thing yet. It would get a lot harder for me to explain to him why I did it though. I knew, that now he asked, I couldn't lie myself out of it anymore. Definitely judging the expression on Jaime's face who looked at Mike like he was going crazy. He definitely knew what it was.

I shook my head. "It wasn't them."

"so who was it?" Mike asked a bit annoyed.

I looked down at my feet for a moment. "I did."

A silence fell. I could've cut the tension with a knife.

"What?" he said eventually. "But that doesn't make sense. Why would you cut yourself?"

I kept looking at my feet trying to find the words to explain to someone who didn't know the first thing about self-harm, why I would do that. It needed a lot of deep emotions to be brought out and I wasn't sure if I wanted that.

"It's called self-harm, Mike. It's an actual thing." I said.

He remained silent for a moment, probably waiting for me to explain, but I didn't. "It is? But why would you do it?"

I looked up to him to see that he genuinely seemed confused. "At first it was for attention, so people would offer me help. So I wouldn't be alone anymore. Later it became something I couldn't stop doing."

"Why? I mean it hurts right?"

"Yeah it does." I said. How could I explain something I didn't understand myself? "I think it's just that. The pain makes you forget about everything else. I honestly don't know why I do it, but sometimes I just crave it."

"but you can die..."

"I know..." I said. I thought about the time I resorted to cutting vertically. I still don't know if I actually hoped to die, but they weren't deep enough anyway. I ended up with a lot of blood and a nasty infection. The cuts themselves weren't really deep, but one of them was infected and because of that it scarred. It was like karma was laughing in my face for trying to end my life. Now I had to live with that scar reminding me of that event.

"It's not that weird that you crave it, Vic." Jaime said. I looked up to him. His face was calm, I had never seen him like that. "I had a friend on a summer vacation in Mexico once and he used to do it too. He told me that it is actually an addiction on the same level as drugs. It's because your body provides some sort of chemical when you are in pain. It's scientifically proven."

This statement got me taken back. All this time I thought I was just weak because I couldn't stop. Now I knew that I was addicted. For some reason I was happy that I knew that. It lifted certain questions off of my shoulders.

"I still don't really understand, but I'm here for you." Mike said. "I'm sorry for everything."

Mike saying sorry? Wow, he must've really meant it. "It's okay, I'm sorry too."

"I'll forgive you." He said shrugging. "Friends?"

I smiled. That word still made me happy even though I had friends again. It was because I've been on my own for so long. Because of that I appreciate the people around me more. "Friends and brothers." I said still smiling.

"Well it wasn't like I could unbrother you or something. So I guess you've always kind of been my brother. Whether I wanted to or not."

I chuckled. "True, but you know what I mean."

We talked for an hour or something about what had happened and I honestly felt better. I had the feeling Jaime, Tony and Mike actually cared about what I was saying. I felt appreciated.