The Cheat Code Manual To Life

Cheat #2: Love

Love- oh love, how it drives the most sane crazy and the crazy even more crazy. It brings people together while pulling nations apart. So, how can one cheat love? The real answer to that is, no one.

• Cliché/ Over-dramatizing - is one bad attempt at fabricating real love. Movies and books are guilty of this offense but the blame isn't so much theirs as it is their naïve audience's. Sorry kids, but y'know how your parents broke it to you that Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny weren't real? Well, they forgot to mention ridiculously sexy fairies that sparkle in the sunlight, live in a greenhouse in the middle of a forest, and call themselves vampires. Twigh-hearts, before you pull out the hater card on me, I'm just saying, give up your dreams of being with a vampire or werewolf. Face it, it wouldn't ever happen; and even if such creatures existed, you really think they wouldn't give into temptation and suck/eat you alive? What makes you so damn special compared to the others they would've killed? That's right, nothing. And here's a fun fact: A vampire's heart dies when he is turned or born a vampire. That means, no amount of Viagra could ever help said vampire get 'it' up. Have fun fantasizing now with that in mind.

• On-screen Relationships - are too good to be true (with the few exceptions of comedic movies such as HallPass and the first Hangover). Ladies, you can't expect a good-looking, well-built man who can cook like Jesus, is sensitive, will listen to everything you say, will compliment you always, has a nice car, is financially stable, and did I mention good-looking, to come out of nowhere and sweep you off your feet. And men, you can't expect a fit female who never nags, never complains, is hot, will agree to doing whatever stupid crap you suggest, is hot, makes you all the sammiches you want, is so hot, loves video games just as much as you do, is so incredibly hot, claims that you're the best she's ever had in bed, and is unbelievably hot, to show up and let you be her knight-in-shining-armor. It just doesn't work that way. Ever. And if any of you figure out a way to make it work like they do in movies, let me be the first to know. Seriously. Cause' I'd kill to know, not so I can have a man like the one I described above. Ew, no. So I can start a match-making business and make millions. Really, we can work a business partnership out.

• The opposite sex - never seems to notice that you exist. How do you change this? Oh, that's simple. While most people tell you to be yourself, I'll take a bit further. This IS called a cheat code manual for a reason. 

Tip One: Tell him/her that you like them and be frank about it. Listen kids, instead of all the games and secret messages, just stop the endless cat and mouse chase before it begins. If you just come out and say what's on your mind, you might be surprised at the outcome. Some people actually appreciate went people are simple and straight to the point. If they turn you down, big whoop. So what? It's their loss. Your awesomeness is obviously too much for them to handle all at once. Why don't you go talk to that kid over there gawking at the Victoria's Secret/Andy Sixx poster? He/she seems much more willing anyway.

Tip Two: Get creative; get funky. Don't just mindlessly stalk your crush around; do it with style. If you get caught, don't play it off like any other kid would. Make ninja noises and move your hands in unusual gestures will inching away. Loosen up a bit. If your crush has the tiniest sense of humor, he or she will definitely laugh it off and maybe even strike up a conversation with you next time you just happen to be in the same room. That or, they'll think you're an über weirdo and stay as far from you as possible. Either way, that's always one way to leave a first impression. If all works out well, you could imagine how humorous it'd be while telling your grand kiddies just how you and your spouse first met. "And then your grandmother started making Asian-dubbed noises and moving her arms like a moron.. Hahahh.. good times.."

Tip Three: Don't over-do it. Guys, don't smother her with love notes and flowers and chocolates and texts at precisely 6:31 in the morning to wish her a good morning. And ladies, don't stick to him like the chewed gum at the bottom of his shoe. Don't deny him of his daily serving of stupidity gained by hanging out with his fellow guyfriends/homeboiis/homies/testosterone-filled companions. And most importantly, girls, do not, and I mean DO NOT over-do your make-up during the first times of being around him. Don't wear those rainbow fake lashes, or that ruby red lipstick, or bronzer that makes you seem six shades darker, or put on enough blush and purple eyeshadow to make it seem like you just got your arse whooped up pretty good. Why, you ask? Because, if things so swell, he will eventually see you with little to no make-up at all. If he doesn't recognize you at 7a.m. on a Monday morning with your knotted hair and slightly dark circles, then you'll be in deep dookie, gurlfrannn. Don't forget, most guys view excessive make-up and push-up bras as false advertising. Don't help their cause! Keep it fresh and remotely natural.

Tip Four: Be original. If he/she accepts your offer to hang out, take them somewhere they wouldn't expect. Make the first date memorable! Take them to Dave&Busters for a not-too-awkward, all-around fun date or take them go-kart racing, or ice-skating. If there's a carnival in town, take them there! Trust me, it'd be a lot more fun than sitting in some theater watching some movie one of you have already watched or not really too pumped to watch anyway. Save the crappy movies nights for later on when you can make use of that back row and suck face; I mean, if that's what you're into.

So kids, I hope you've learned a bit today about love and how to try and get a tiny piece of its velvety goodness. And remember, make love, not war. Condoms are much cheaper anyway, and in this economy, we need all the savings we can scrunch up.

Signed,

The Boss of all Levels of Life (BLL) 

Irene

P.S. Today's cheat code is: iLessThanThreeYou.<3

Bonus points if you get it. Extra bonus points if you use it toward someone you love. :]