The Cheat Code Manual To Life

Cheat #1: Difficult People

Difficult people - we all know 'em. How to deal with them? That, my friend, is what most of us are still pondering. This cheat will help you to deal with said difficult people without using your pimp hand to smack a bi- Ahem, excuse me. Moving on..

• Know-it-alls - probably one of the most difficult to restrain yourself from striking upside the head with a foreign object. They tend to feel the need to correct everybody and establish themselves as pretty much better than everyone else. Well, you could just ignore them, but that'd be too boring and who's to say that their rampage wouldn't continue to piss off a number of more people? Someone's going to have to drop-kick them off that pedestal eventually and that someone is you. 

Step 1: Round up a group of people who share your motive; to bring this know-it-all down. Now listen kids, I'm not saying you go about this in a violent way; I'm saying that if you approach the KIA (know-it-all) in a civil manner with a couple people to back you up, he/she will more likely see his/her negative impact.

Step 2: Confront the KIA. Talk it out in a polite manner. Now kids, this can play out two different ways. Either the KIA will step down and apologize, or he/she will deny it and cause a whole other disagreement. If the this happens, pull out the big guns.

Step 3: You may now proceed to pelt the KIA with rotten toma- I'm kidding. Nonetheless, that is an option; not a wise one one, but still. If the KIA is at the same or lower social level with you (fellow student, coworker, or age-mate), threaten to get a trusted adult or manager to straighten them out; preferably a badass adult that you know won't take crap from anyone. If the KIA happens to be someone of a higher level such as a parent, employer, or teacher, politely ask an unbiased mutual acquaintance to try and sort it out. 

Step 4: If all else fails, approach the KIA alone. Tell a sob story, and make it legit. Fake the tears and everything, and take them on a guilt trip they'll never forgive themselves over. Try something like, "Ever since I was a kid, my Uncle Bob told me I was a dumb mistake. *blow obnoxiously loud into tissue* A-and everytime you correct me, I f-feel like just that; a dumb m-mistake. *break out sobbing*" Ofcourse, feel free to customize that. Also, offer them to hold your mucus-infested tissue. Hey, if you can't guilt trip them, gross 'em out. 

• Hot heads - the kind of people that either take your blood pressure to new levels or make you crawl into fetal position. Dealing with them is a whole other feat, but it's not impossible.

Step One: Stay calm. Show no hints of anger at all. Instead, smile sarcastically or even chuckle a bit. Don't initiate any physical contact. Most hot heads are just bluffs and will get all up in your face but won't put a hand on you. If they initiate physical contact, however, that puts you in the position to react in self defense. We all know men's weak spot; their jewels, otherwise known as cojonés, testes, testicles, bawls, love sacs, bullocks, nutz, baby-makers, (okay, now I'm just pulling names out of my arse) spherical manliness-es, marbles of joy, crotch boobies, etc., etc. As for women, it has to be our hair. A nice firm grip on that, and she'll practically be paralyzed. Hey, hey, I'm not promoting violence here. It's all in the name of self defense people. C'mon. 

Step Two: In the middle of their rant, offer them some candy or a mint. Tell them to chill the fu- out, but of course, say it more politely. This might throw them off. Some might take it as a peace offering while others might take it as more reason to bitch. In that case, pop the candy in your mouth and proceed to suck/chew on it, shrugging it off. 

Step Three: If this hot head is still going on and on and on, you could always walk away, but be original and proceed to doing something random. Sing a random song over their voice, preferably a Mariah Carey song complete with the signature Mariah Carey hand-shivering movement. Dance to Numa Numa. Imitate an animal. Do the Jenna Marbles face. (If you haven't watched the video on the Jenna Marbles "Face", it's linked on the side for your entertainment. Stop reading now, watch it, then resume.) 

Step Four: If weirding them out doesn't work, result to spontaneous planking/owling. Do that until they leave you alone forever.

• Trolls - the exact opposite of a hot head. These guys will do and/or say anything to try and piss every atom of your being off while keeping a smug expression on their breakable little faces. This will probably be the only time I'll will advise you ignore a group of people. Why you ask? Because, real trolls will feed off your growing impatience and only find more pleasure in annoying the living crap out of you. The only way to beat them is simply ignoring them. Unless, of course, you happened to be a trained troll yourself and would like to take them on, but that'd be completely on your own accord. Anywhos, NEXT TOPIC.

• Hypocrites/ Liars - the group of people that I personally have no patience for. And kids, when I say, "liars", I don't mean little white liars. I mean, lies that can actually have a negative impact on one or more people. When ignoring them is not an option, here are a couple more tips on how to go about dealing with them. 

Tip One: Catch them in the act. Make sure to corner them good and have a couple witnesses on your side. Revealing their true colors will have its own ripple effect; people will lose respect for them, and that's punishment enough.

Tip Two: Ever heard of that saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? No? Well, you have now. Do it. Lure them in and have them close by you. When the right moment comes along, expose them. And when I say expose, I don't mean catching an outspoken homophobe dancing alone in his room in his mom's undergarments to Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" on tape and putting it on Facebook. I don't mean blackmailing him either. That's just pure douchebaggotry. What I mean is privately confronting the said hypocrite/ liar with the knowledge you have and politely asking them to renounce their ways. If that doesn't work, you may or may not result to getting more trusted people involved.

• Plain Stupid People - they're everywhere nowadays. Thanks to the cast of Jersey Shore, my home state is now probably considered the American capitol of stupid people. Stupid people come in many shapes and sizes; from tiny Snookis to the overly buff Ronnies. Most stupid people vary from being ignorant douchebags to just being plain stupid. The best thing to do is to first identify them by one or more of the categories listed above and use the cheats provided. If none of the categories above apply, you can always result to ignoring them or spontaneous planking/owling or of course, chanting Playstation 2 cheat commands such as "UP, LEFT, R2, CIRCLE, TRIANGLE, SELECT!" followed by awkward hand motions and pelvic thrusting. Whichever works for you. 

And remember kids, don't hate the player for cheating, hate the game for having programmed cheats in the first damn place.

Signed,

The Boss of all Levels of Life (BLL)

Irene 

P.S. The cheat code of the day is: ^Urs. 

Bonus points if you get it. Extra bonus points if you use it today to ward off a 'difficult' person.