Dear Catherine, It's Me • Van McCann (UNDER EDITING)

☁︎ one ☁︎

friday, january 16th, 2015

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

I sat in the darkness of my hotel room with nothing but the light from my laptop hitting the boring beige-coloured walls. a simple bout of curiousity nearly led me to contemplating my entire life, questioning every decision that I made years ago. how could I have been so dumb? so blatantly dumb? well, even I didn't know.

my eyes wouldn't shift away from the image in front of me; the photo she used for her facebook. it was the first photo I've seen of her in years, since I had been avoiding even looking her up after I left.

she hadn't changed like I thought she might have - but man, oh man, was she beautiful. almost as beautiful as I remembered. she wasn't the girl I left behind, though, that I could tell. her eyes didn't hold the determination that they used to. her face looked 'softer', in the sense that she herself had become gentler, less 'rough'. it made me wonder what she was like now. was she still the spitfire that she used to be? are guys still intimidated by her like they used to be? or was she still capable of crying the biggest tears you'd ever seen when no one else was around but her and I?

... did she still love me? - that I doubted, but the pure thought of her had been gnawing at me since I left, but lately, it's gotten worse. it's consumed me lately and I'm not sure why. it's almost as if I can't function properly, and I can't go a night without wondering if she even remembers me, let alone wonders about me too. and as I sit here, her facebook page burning a hole into me, I try to muster up the courage to click the 'message' button. if I'm honest, I'm surprised my old account is still on her friend list.

without a clue of what to say, I simply type what comes to mind, hoping it will ease the thumping pulse in my chest and neck.

"Dear Catherine, it's me. xo"

send.