Caged | The Hunger Games AU ✓

xxx. remembrance

caesar doesn't hesitate in hugging me, which is slightly surprising as i'm not used to embracing people i'm not close with. however, he doesn't seem to notice my discomfort and asks me a few questions about how i'm feeling. maybe i'll actually be able to pull this off.

that's when matthias enters and i feel a weight lift off my shoulders. he's wearing a white shirt this time, but no bowtie. his hair is in that same, fluffy style again. i decide that it suits him very well. he pulls me into a tight hug and whispers in my ear, "act as innocent as you can" before releasing me and engaging in a conversation with caesar. i feel myself stiffen.

the interview is much more of a breeze than i anticipated. caesar asks an even amount of questions to both of us, giving the appropriate responses when necessary. matthias is obviously the more sarcastic and witty out of us two, while i seem more light and airy.

until he asks us about asher and carly.

i know the instant that caesar's face darkens that he's going to ask something that'll twist my gut. his eyes shift between matthias and i before he takes a breath and says, "asher halloway and carly tamer." matthias goes completely still. "you and them were probably the best group of allies the screen has ever seen. what do you think made you so close, so compatible?"

matthias' chest hasn't moved up or down in time with his breaths, and his eyes stare without blinking. he's lost in flashbacks of them and i need to answer quickly before something happens. i can feel my throat closing up on me, but i try to speak as clearly as possible. "well, carly first caught my eye at the opening ceremony, and i saw her as a possible ally. matthias and i met asher by coincidence in the elevator in the training center. i think we, as a team, had just enough strife and spark between us to work together. we all knew the consequences. we all knew most of us had to die, but it was a kind of 'let's keep each other alive as long as we can' thing. we all complimented each other fairly well in some way, and i think that's what helped us succeed for as long as we did."

i force myself not to stare at my lap when i answer, but instead look right into caesar's eyes. i wonder if he can see the pain in them, the utter despondency that only something as horrible as the hunger games can evoke in a person. i feel my heart clench repeatedly as i speak about my fallen tributes. my allies. my friends.

"carly and asher were more than allies," matthias adds in a level tone as if he had been reading my mind. "we all grew pretty attached to one another, even when we weren't supposed to. it was a difficult transition to having asher gone, and then carly..." he trails off, swallows, and continues. "when it was just us two left, it was like they were always there with us- and i don't mean because of the clones. i always felt a prick in my mind of what carly would say about a certain thing we were doing, or how much asher and emrys hated each other. when they died, a part of us did as well. we'll never forget them."

caesar lets this sink in for a few seconds, and i assume he's offering a moment of silence for the two. but then he jumps right into the next question, seemingly not wanting to waste any more precious time.

"thalia." when he says my name, i blink to sharpen my focus and tilt my head in the slightest to make sure he knows i'm listening. "i'm sorry in advance for mentioning this, but everyone wants to know. after astrid stabbed you, and you saw the blood, when you were lying on that sand with your seemingly final moments passing by, what was going through your head? what inspired this idea of what you did?"

it seems like an ordinary question that would be acceptable to ask - after all, i had faked my own death - but i catch the undertone in caesar's voice. there is a hidden message in his inquiry. he's trying to trick me, trying to see if i had been deliberately setting the capital up for laughs. i know to tread carefully around this answer.

i look at my lap and blink again before turning my head back to caesar. i try to remain as solemn as possible, but it's not hard. responding to this brings back a rush of memories i don't want to relive, and i feel a small twinge of pain in my gut.

"my whole body was cold. it was like the warmth was draining out of me along with my blood, and i could barely feel anything. when you're that close to death, when you had been so close to something only to have it ripped away from you, you can't really think sensibly. all that was going through my mind was, 'oh my gosh, i'm going to die. this is it.' and when you have that kind of mindset, it's impossible to think of anything that'll make it go away. your body's first instinct is to keep itself alive. i think that's what it did- i wasn't really thinking, and suddenly, my eyes were out of focus and i wasn't breathing and i thought i was actually going to die. but then... i didn't."

i'm about to add, "by some miracle, i'm not dead," but i stop myself just before the words come out. it would ruin it by saying that. i think i've answered reasonably well, and playing the helpless card was a safe shot. caesar seems to be convinced - though i wasn't really lying more than answering carefully - and matthias takes my hand for extra effect. i notice my eyes are brimming with tears and blink them away.

"how about you, matthias?" caesar questions softly. "how did you feel when you were holding her in her arms?"

matthias sighs and shakes his head, keeping his eyes fixed on something at caesar's feet. "it was the most horrible experience i've ever been through. yes, i've seen death, but to have someone's life slipping away as you hold them in your arms is heart-wrenching. i just wanted to somehow put all her pieces back together, and wondered if i could somehow hug her so tightly that the skin would repair itself and thalia would be fine. but dreams like that don't come true. i'm just relieved she's actually alright." he pauses and directs his gaze to caesar's again. "i'd rather it be me than her. thalia has a brother and parents at home. i have no one."

i squeeze his hand comfortingly, turning my head to face him with a gentle smile on my face. "you have me."

-

after the interviews, i'm allowed to go back to my room and collect my things. i have nothing to take but the clothes on my back and my phoenix pin. when i find the silver thing on my dresser, my heart nearly drops out of my stomach. i had assumed that it was lost in the arena, but it's completely intact aside from a dent on the bird's wing. i pin it to my dress immediately.

i'm allowed to take one extra piece of clothing with me, so i pick a sturdy black coat that'll do me well for hunting and the harsh cold of the winter months. it contrasts greatly to my elegant dress, but i feel more like myself than i have since i was reaped. it's rejuvenating to think about how i'll be reunited with my family in a matter of days.

the goodbyes to our prep teams are concise, though that's only because we'll see them in a few months for the tour of the districts. i try not to think about how i'll have to look at the faces of the deceased while i speak to their friends, their families. or even worse- i'll have to look at the faces of those i killed.

the train starts to begin its shooting movement and i discover that i don't fall at all this time. i somehow feel more balanced than i have before, like the games have made me more sturdy on my feet. i quickly excuse myself to the back of the train and stay there. i miss the replay of the interview, but that doesn't bother me at all.

i don't want to get rid of the dress i'm wearing. the material is soft against my skin and i somehow feel comfortable in it. this is a strange concept; pre-games thalia would rather wear a chicken costume than an elegant dress. but somehow, as i sit on the cushions lining the wall and stare out at the passing buildings, i don't want to remove the makeup or strappy heels that wrap around my ankles.

i wonder how much has changed since i left. how will the woods feel once i step back into them? will everyone still treat me the same? i decide not to think about it all and dispel the weight that's slowly beginning to push me down.

after all, there are worse games to play.

gif is matthias and how his hair looks yeess

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this book is so close to being over im scReaming!!! also caged is #3 in fanfiction right now???? what is life thank you guys SO MUCH

xoxo,
kristyn