I want you. All to myself. I want you. All to myself.
The words haunt me, consuming my every thought and working their way into every action.
"I know you don't really like the parties, but... there's nowhere else to really go tonight, and as much fun as I've had sitting here and making out with you... I wanna show you off."
None of Jay's words click in my mind, to me everything in this world has sounded like white noise since Wednesday. I expect Michael to be around every corner waiting, looking at me, watching. He's skipped Surgery class for the past two days. I'm both grateful and sad for that, I don't really know how to feel about his confession. I wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth so many times in the past. I guess timing really is everything.
"Skipper? Did you hear me?" Thrown out of my distracting and shameful thoughts, my head snaps up to meet Jay's eyes.
"Um... repeat that?" He chuckles, brushing my cheek with his thumb. At least he didn't notice that during our "make out" session I wasn't really thinking about him. Or kissing back with much effort.
"Just come with me to the party tonight. Michael won't be there, I promise." "The party's at his house." I mutter, picking at the bedspread. His dorm is identical to my own, only the walls are painted blue, and everything is a bit more boyish. The bed smells like him in the best way, and our legs are comfortably tangled, our bodies close together. I should be completely content, but I'm not. No matter how mad I am, I can't get my mind off of the lanky boy with the angry brown eyes. Angry and damaged.
"I know, but he won't be there tonight. Nobody's seen him in days." I swallow hard, looking away, and knowing it's my fault he's missing. "I really don't wanna go without you," Jay trails off, staring at me longingly.
I let out an exasperated sigh. "Fine, I'll go for a little while. But then you have to take me home." He grins, planting one last kiss on my forehead. "Good. Let's go."
****
The anxiety hits me like a sac of potatoes as Jay leads me through the party by the hand, our fingers interlaced. I don't understand why people continually come back here, everything's the same. The same girls giving strip tease dances on the tables, the same people dry-humping on the dance floor, the same group of people sitting in a circle around their bonfire.
Jay looks back at me and chuckles, smiling. "Your eyes are so big. Are you alright?" I shake my head quickly, I'd probably rather be anywhere but here. I had my internship at the hospital this morning, and Will asked me if I wanted to stay a double shift. I did (especially since Michael was nowhere to be found) but I declined the offer, I had a date with Jay. I didn't tell him that of course, for some reason I thought he wouldn't like it.
Jay's firm grip on my hand calms me just a little as we approach the bonfire, the smell of vodka and cigarette haze almost choking me. Nat turns, her now honey-blonde hair blowing in the wind. I don't mean to be rude, but the color clashes with her skin, which is a few shades darker.
Nobody says anything, they only hold their breath staring at me with wide eyes. The conversation has stopped. I look behind me, then up at Jay, whose eyes are wider than my own now. "I'm.. I'm so sorry, I swore he wasn't gonna be here." Michael sits at the head of the group, a crooked scowl on his face as he stares at me. There's something off about him, I can't put it.
"Why did you bring the pretentious bitch?" He half-slurs, and I finally get it. The fire dances on the haze of intoxication in his eyes, jumping and spitting. The bottle of clear liquid is very near full, telling me he's already had a few drinks today. I wonder... has he been binge drinking to get over me?
