Not Alice

Chapter 5

The rest of the week dragged on horribly. School is taking its toll on me and I've only been here for a week. Matt is driving me insane and I really can't take much more of him.

He still cannot comprehend the word no. It's as if the word is completely foreign to him. All week long it was as if the purpose of his life was to obtain my number. Usually in situations like these I would have given in already because he's annoying as hell, but I find a certain kind of joy in watching him suffer. Witnessing a person putting all of their time into someone who clearly isn't interested can be quite entertaining.

However, I believe my wrong doings are catching up to me, because I'm in for a hell of a weekend. My family was invited to go to dinner at Matt's house tonight. Normally I can shut myself down enough to get through the night, but that's only if I'm not the only one suffering. But it's different this time around because my spoiled brat of a sister was allowed to go to a friends house after school, so now I get the "pleasure" of being alone with Matt.

I really hope his parents are the kind of people who don't allow their kid to take a girl anywhere in the house alone. I'll be so fucked otherwise, and in the literal sense too. Is it really that hard for a guy to control his hormones? I would understand if I was attractive in the very least, but I don't think a girl who's 5'2 and weighs 96 pounds is very appealing.

The purpose of all of this ranting is to prolong the inevitable, but I can only do that for so long.

I'm currently mentally preparing myself to control my urge to murder Matt, or my parents for that matter. I'm probably being overly dramatic, because I'm tiny and invisible. The Twenty-Øne-Piløts song that I'm blasting through my headphones is not doing enough to block out the overwhelming anxiety I have. Not Today is one of my favorite songs, and if I payed enough attention to the lyrics, they may have helped me with tonight, but I never pay attention unless I'm upset.

I feel so pathetic. I'm lying down in the hammock, staring at the city below the cliff, and I've consumed a whole container of cookie dough ice cream. Cigarette Daydreams, a song by Cage the Elephant, relieves all of my current anxiety, and I drift off into my own little world.

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6:30 that evening

Matt's family is actually really nice. They're like the opposite of him, as in they are very sweet and down to earth, and they understand respect. Dinner is going so much better than I had originally anticipated. Matt hasn't tried to talk to me at all, and it's like I'm not even here. Everyone else is deep in a conversation and I'm lost in my thoughts, which is where I like to be.

After dinner my parents wanted to have some time to socialize with Mr. and Mrs. Kerry, so the adults excused the two of us from the table and made us go to Matt's room. I almost spit out the water that I was drinking, and my blood boiled, but I simply nodded my head and allow Matt to lead me to his room.

His room is a decent size once you're actually in it, and I feel comfortable here. It's stupid really, but every thought previously swirling through my mind had ceased and I feel calm. Matt is just lying on his bed staring at me. He looks like he wants to speak to me, but is afraid of what he'll say.

"Hey J. You okay?" I just nod my head and awkwardly look around his room, avoiding his gaze.

"Why don't you sit? I won't bite, I promise. You look very uncomfortable," he pats a spot on his bed and I hesitantly sit down, still refusing to look at him.

I lie back on his bed and close my eyes, thinking of the lights from the city. It would be a significantly better night if I was back in the hammock. Although I am comfortable here, the little spot in the woods makes me feel alive. I can safely let my mind wander, and there's never anyone there to disturb me. But I'm stuck here who knows how much longer.

"Since we have all this time to chill, why don't you give me your number?" I mentally groan and roll my eyes at his stupidity.

"Listen moron, you're not getting my number. Ever. I have no interest in talking to you. I don't even want to be here right now but I'm doing my best to be civil for my parents. Stop asking for my number, you sound so damn desperate," I dig around in the drawstring bag that I brought with me in search of my earbuds, and I still haven't made any eye contact with Matt.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to piss you off. But honestly you're such a fucking bitch. I just want to be able to talk to you and you're completely shutting me out. I haven't even done anything to you," his voice is laced with frustration and confusion, and I finally look at him with an irate expression.

"Social interaction is not my thing, but I don't think that makes me a bitch. You're a fucking player, you use girls for sex. You're right, you haven't done anything to me yet, but that doesn't mean I haven't been hurt before by guys like you!" My voice cracks from the way I yell and immediately cover my mouth in horror of what I just said. I'm revealing too much.

"J I'm sorry. I shouldn't force you to do things that make you uncomfortable. I know you've made it pretty clear that you hate me and we can't be friends, but if you'd ever like to talk about what happened in California, I'm here to listen," the once hostile boy is now going soft and all of his attention is on me.

"I uh- I'll keep that in mind," my voice comes out much quieter than I'd like and Matt looks at me with sympathy. God I hate sympathy.

I take my previous spot on his bed and curl up into a ball to stop the water fall threatening to spill from my eyes. Just thinking about what happened back in the small town I once called home makes my insides burn and I find myself gasping for air. I attempt to put my earbuds in but I don't get the chance too because Matt's embrace startles me. He presses his warm body against mine and begins to run his hand through my hair. I want to yell at him to stop and be a stone cold bitch, but the overwhelming calmness I feel from his touch is addictive. I feel my eyelids becoming heavier and my mind is at ease, and suddenly I can no longer fight the urge to fall asleep in his arms.

Matt moves my hair away from my ear and I shiver from his touch.

"Oh I'm sorry. If you feel uncomfortable I'll let you be alone," he says with desolation in his tone.

"No it's okay, I promise. I'm just a bit confused," I admit quietly and try to hide the scarlet color creeping into my cheeks.

"Why are you confused?" He asks matching my soft tone.

"Because this just doesn't seem like you. You're so rough around the edges and you truly don't seem like the type of person to enjoy simple things like this," I cuddle closer to him for reasons I cannot comprehend and he holds me tighter.

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, J, because I am not myself," he says just above a whisper.

Before I have the time to respond to his beautiful words, the darkness of sleep takes over me.