Albatross

Chapter 07: Walk In The Rain

Elliot was working with Nathan again.

Trisha had called in sick once more—stomach flu, apparently—and they were short on people so they'd kept only one person at the front desk. Unfortunately for Elliot, his experience meant that he was the one chosen to fill in the empty spot.

He didn't really dislike working with the patients. Once he was used to it, it wasn't too bad, though he still preferred being at the front desk. Elliot knew he couldn't really complain though, so he took it all in stride and did his best at the tasks he was given. He also did his best to ignore the smiling man working alongside him.

Nathan was—as was always the case with him—cheerful and, for lack of a better word, bright. He moved about the place with a quick stride and a smile on his face, brown eyes warm and kind. The patients loved him and Elliot could see why. He still wished that were not the case.

The cheery mood that permeated the whole area occupied by Nathan was stifling to Elliot. It made him feel inadequate when the smiles he offered to the patients were weak and so obviously strained when compared to Nathan's blinding grins. He felt as if he were casting a shadow over the place, his soft spoken words sounding dismissive even to his own ears.

Just a couple of hours around Nathan made Elliot realize what little progress he'd made in his efforts to deal with loss. More than anything, it made him wonder why he even tried anymore. He watched Nathan smile brightly at a young woman as he took her pressure, chatting about something Elliot didn't care enough to take note of. Something bitter and unpleasant settled over him, and Elliot quickly turned away. He wondered what was wrong with him if watching others smile and laugh upset him so much.

Suddenly, he felt tired, more so than he had in a while. His eyes stung, like he'd been staring at a computer screen for too long and a heavy weight seemed to have settled somewhere in his chest. Elliot excused himself and hurried to the restroom, ignoring the looks Evelyn and the patient standing by her gave him as he walked past. The concerned expression on Nathan's face also went unnoticed.

Elliot was relieved when he reached the restroom. Even more so when he realized it was empty. With horror, he realized that tears were welling in his eyes. Angrily, he pushed them back, shutting his eyes tightly in an attempt to regain some composure. He didn't know what was wrong with him anymore.

With a heavy sigh, he leaned against the wall. Whatever unpleasant emotions he'd felt were slowly being drained away leaving Elliot feeling hollow and absolutely exhausted. He still had to get back to work.

After a moment longer, Elliot moved towards one of the sinks lining the wall to splash some water on his face. It wouldn't do much to make him feel better, but he hoped it might make it less noticeable that there was something wrong with him. Not that everyone didn't know that already.

He was drying his face when the door opened. Elliot was startled for a moment and hoped it wasn't Evelyn checking up on him. To his chagrin, it was worse than that.

Nathan stood awkwardly in the doorway, having stopped before he could even fully enter the room. He looked hesitant to say anything or to even move closer. Elliot sincerely hoped Nathan would decide he didn't want to deal with whatever was wrong with Elliot and leave. Such was not his luck.

"Hey," Nathan said, finally stepping in and letting the door close behind him. "Is everything okay?" he asked, looking Elliot over.

Elliot tried to ignore the slight sense of calm he felt at having Nathan there. He wasn't supposed to feel that way.

"Yeah," he said, not really feeling like that was true. Apparently, neither did Nathan. He frowned as he continued his assessment of Elliot.

"We should get back to work," Elliot said, tired of the way Nathan was looking at him. He moved towards the door, trying not to hurry out of the room. He was stopped by a hand wrapping around his arm. The grip Nathan had on him was just tight enough to keep Elliot there, but not enough to hurt—it was a cautious hold. His hand was warm and rough, and Elliot tried to ignore the frantic beating of his heart and the shiver that ran down his spine at the contact.

For a while, it didn't look like Nathan really knew what to say. He'd acted on instinct—an instinct that told him that Elliot was not fine. He needed help but would never ask for it. That was okay with Nathan though. Elliot didn't have to ask.

"You can tell me, you know," Nathan said. He sounded sincere and concerned to Elliot, something that made him feel uneasy. "I know we don't know each other that well, and you probably don't trust me, but I'd like to be your friend Elliot. And I'd like to help you. So if you need to talk—"

"I don't," Elliot cut in. With a tug, his arm was freed from Nathan's grasp, leaving him free to step back. "And I don't need any more friends." He left the room before Nathan could try to argue his point further.

When Nathan returned to work, just a few minutes later, Elliot didn't so much as glance his way. The rest of the day was spent in silence, with both men focusing on their work. If Nathan's smiles seemed a bit less genuine no one bothered to mention it.

It wasn't until Elliot was leaving that he had to worry about Nathan again. Elliot was in the parking lot, heading to his car through the light drizzle that threatened to turn into more and soak him if he didn't hurry. He paused only after hearing his name being called. Elliot couldn't say he was surprised to see Nathan making his way towards him. Really, it was what he'd expected since he'd left the man in the restroom earlier that day.

Against his better judgement, Elliot stopped to wait for Nathan to catch up, feeling the drops of water growing larger with each passing second. When Nathan was finally standing before him, Elliot couldn't help but notice that the man looked nervous. After standing there for a long and awkward moment, Elliot wondered if Nathan even knew what he wanted to say.

"If it's about earlier it's fine," Elliot said, wanting to leave as soon as possible. He didn't much feel like standing in the rain, waiting for Nathan to figure out what he wanted. Nathan shook his head.

"It's not, I mean it is, but not really," said Nathan, struggling with the words. He let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to bother you, really. It's just that, I don't want you to think that I'm only trying to help you because I feel bad for you." The words seemed to finally come together, but Nathan didn't seem satisfied. He grimaced at his wording.

Elliot would rather he hadn't said anything.

"You mean it's not out of pity," he tried to clarify, the flat tone he spoke in letting Nathan know that Elliot didn't believe him. Nathan shook his head.

"No! Of course not!" he insisted.

"Then why?" Elliot really couldn't think of any other reason, because Nathan didn't know him. Not really. He knew the part of Elliot that had been left after Allan had died—a bitter man that didn't know what he was doing anymore. The person he'd become—the one Nathan knew—wasn't pleasant.

Maybe Nathan didn't know why either, because for a while he didn't offer any answer. He just stood there, shifting uncomfortably, probably from the rain that fell more quickly as time passed. His gaze turned away from Elliot, like he couldn't bear to look at the man.

And then he finally raised his eyes to meet Elliot's and the feelings that shone in them nearly made Elliot take a step back.

"Because I like you," Nathan said, confirming what Elliot was just starting to suspect. Nathan's cheeks were flushed, his gaze determined and his tone one of sincerity. That was more than enough to tell Elliot just how deep Nathan's feelings might be.

The frigid wind swirled around the two men as the rain fell in thickening waves. Elliot felt very little of this. Instead a cold chill settled upon him at Nathan's words and what they offered. What he didn't want.

He didn't wait to hear what else Nathan had to say. He didn't want to. Elliot turned and hurried to his car, ignorant of the look of abject rejection on Nathan's face.