and then you left // cth

chapter 29 + a contest (closed)

And then I met Calum.

And he became my everything. The dreams stopped because I usually slept in his arms, or would stay up until my eyes couldn't open anymore, texting or FaceTiming or calling him. And then I was far too tired to dream, let alone have a complex nightmare.

He took away all of my pain. Before him, my panic attacks were triggered from various things. Among them were crowds and strangers who wanted to talk to me and anything else, really.

But Calum helped me. He was the only one who knew how to calm me down, even I didn't know how he did it. But his presence was soothing and his touch seemed magical. There was always something about him, and then it was us against the world.

He helped me much so that when we were in a mosh pit at the Blink-182 concert last summer, I felt nothing close to anxiety. Despite the sweaty people shoving me forward and backward and everywhere, I wasn't panicked. No, I felt exhilaration, energy, pure happiness, and an overwhelming feeling of love toward the boy who brought me, and the band we came to see.

With Calum in my life, my anxiety was eased. He was funny and sweet and a great singer and musician. Breathing no longer seemed a chore, and I was happy again.

And then he had to fuck it all up. And now we're here. Now I'm in a different state, and constantly putting people around me on edge. Everything has gone to shit again, it seems.

After Luke kissed me, I ran. I ran around Passion Street for what seemed like forever, until I found a taxi.

Now, I stare out the window as I watch the city pass us by, as I silently sit and try my best not to think. Not once do tears fall though, I'm done with that. Crying has proved to do nothing but redden my eyes and dry my skin.

That's one thing I've learned in the past seven months.

"We almost there?" The tired-looking cab driver glances at me in the rear view mirror. I feel bad for him- he looks exhausted, and his car doesn't even have a GPS system. He's been asking me for directions to my house every few minutes, which was good because it only allowed me to drown in thought for so long before I'd have to tell him to take a left or go straight.

"Yeah, it's the next right." I tell him and he nods, clearly grateful that the ride is almost over.

It occurs to me now that Gram will be awaiting my arrival, prepped with questions. Luke probably called her. When did I let him start to care so much? I am so much better on my own. When I am on my own, the only person that there is to disappoint is myself. With others involved, all I bring is a constant path of sadness and liability. Why would anyone stick around with me?

Even though I haven't been crying, I think my face shows how I am feeling inside.

I don't actually know why I'm sad, when I really think about it. Luke has been such a great friend to me, always making me smile when I need to, or letting me frown when it's what I ask of him. I've come to associate his warm blue eyes with comfort and happiness, and he has become the person that causes all of mine.

But deep down, there are two reasons for why I ran. The first is I'm scared of getting my heart broken again.

And the second reason haunts me, it is one that I don't want to admit to myself even though I know it is the truth.

I'm still in love with Calum, and denying that fact will do nothing for anyone.

•••
luke

"Hey, loser." Michael says as I open the door to his unlocked apartment; Ever since he's moved out he never locks the door, no matter how often we tell him he needs to.

I roll my eyes at the sight in front of me: the galaxy-haired boy is sitting shirtless on his couch, his X-Box controller in hand, playing Five Nights at Freddy's. A few pizza boxes litter the room, along with old to-go cups from every fast food chain you could name.

This is why you don't let idiots with no job move out on their own on their eighteenth birthday.

"Not in the mood, Michael." I say through gritted teeth as I turn off his game counsel on my way to his couch. Collapsing beside him on the couch, he whines at my actions.

"Hey! I was on my fourth night!"

"You've never even made it to the fifth night, stupid." I respond and earn a scoff from him.

"That's because a certain blue eyed blond guitar player always interrupts me." He exclaims and bites into a slice of Hawaiian pizza. "But I'm not gonna name any names," He nods the slice toward me, but I shake my head.

"I didn't know Calum came here that often," my dry joke earns a laugh. Of all of my friends, Michael is by far the most laid back, and this is why I came to him. Ashton would lecture me if I told him my actions from this night.

And obviously I can never tell Calum what I've done. That would be the end of me, right there.

"So why do you have a stick up your ass?" He finally asks once his slice is devoured, only two and a half bites later.

"I kissed Alexis." I say bluntly in a monotone and glare at the wall. Michael chokes on his pizza at my words, and starts coughing profusely.

"You what?" He exclaims only after sipping on a drink to get the food down. I only sigh. "You kissed Calum's ex? The one he's so hung up on?"

"Don't rub it in. And yes, the one who's heart he apparently shattered." I glance at my silent phone on my lap, that's usually lit up with messages from both Calum and Alex. But now they both hate me.

"Luke," he starts, and I begin to think I made a mistake by coming here. "That's bad, you know that right? This is really, really bad." But there is nothing he can tell me that I don't already know.

I don't respond to his words, there is nothing left to say.

"What even happened to them?" Mike asks and begins another piece of pizza. The size of his appetite never fails to amaze me.

"I don't really know, but I guess it was bad." Is all I say. Alexis's explanation of what happened haunts me, and I look down at my shirt to find that it is literally stained with her tears. This is another reminder that I have most certainty fucked up.

"Is she a good kisser?" Mike asks and I smack him upside the head. He groans and holds his hands up in defense, his eyes laughing. "Okay, okay! I was kidding!"

I exhale and stare at his messy apartment. Mike begun renting it just before Calum moved back here. It had become the three of our's hang out spot, and we spent the night at least once a week. When Calum came back, he joined us immediately.

Ashton still lives with his mom and brother, even though he's twenty. His dad left a few years ago, and I think that despite his refusal to admit it, he feels responsible for his family. And his poor brother Harry is nine now. He was only seven when their dad left, so Ash kind of took over and became the man of the house. The impact this has all had on Ashton is clear in the way he carries himself, and the background of sadness in his eyes. A kid shouldn't feel responsible for his family the way Ash does. He's still a kid himself who needs a father. He shouldn't have to be the father.

"He's gonna hate me," I mutter, and Michael only stares at me.

"They were broken up, why should he care?" He asks and I lay down on my back, covering my face in my hands, my vision going black as I close my eyes.

"He just does okay? And I shouldn't have kissed her anyway. She even like me, and she doesn't want a relationship."

We don't talk after that, which is one of my favorite things about Mike. Although he's the most talkative and outgoing person I know, he knows when he needs to be quiet. He knows that there's nothing he can say to make me feel better.

luke luke luke