Unsendable Love Letters

The First Letter

My dearest,

This is a letter I will never send you. I'm writing this because I need to get it out of my head - or else I feel like I'll explode. Maybe I shall start avoiding you in the future because it physically hurts me to be around you; you're now probably wondering why that is, because it's definitely not because I hate you. Not at all, actually.

I love you. And not any platonic, friendship-based love, or just friendly affection. I'm in love with you. I want to kiss you, I want to be with you, I want to take you out on coffee and buy you cute little things and hug you and hold you and tell you all the things I find beautiful about you. I want to read you poetry and write you sweet little letters I'll slip into your pockets. I want to dance with you and listen to your sweet voice when you sing and what movies while cuddling on the couch and gaze at the stars together. I want to stare into your eyes and see into your beautifully complex mind, to get lost into it like a maze, and love doing just that.

I love you. I love the way you distant-mindedly rub your nose; the way your eyes light up like small pieces of starlight when you think something is funny; the way you curl up in your sleep; the way you play with young children; the way your mind wanders when you draw or paint and put your thoughts on paper. I love how you can be selfless and self-centered at the same time, but in a good way. I love your little quirks and flaws. I love how wonderful you love. I love how you comfort me, how you sing to me and you hold me. I want you to hold me. I want to be yours and for you to be mine.

I don't want to be in love with you, because I know you won't answer it - you can't answer it. You have a relationship. And I'm happy for you, I truly am, because you deserve nothing more than true, pure happiness. So I'll never tell you what I wrote here. I don't want to make things uncomfortable for you, and I don't want to ruin our friendship. You and your sweetheart deserve each other. You make a great couple.

I once asked you what love was to you. You described it to me in your sweet voice and all I could think of was you; it was how I felt about you, and how I still feel. That is why I can hardly be around you. I want to be around you, though. One word, one look from you can make my day easily. But I know I can't have you, I know it's wrong for me to want you. I just want you. I won't tell you because I value our friendship. Being close to you is enough for me.
Forever yours,
N.