Albatross

Chapter 03: The Things We carry

"Why are you here?" Elliot asked.

He'd never really asked, even after months of seeing Allan in his dreams. Maybe he didn't care enough to know if Allan was real. Maybe Elliot was afraid that Allan would go away. Whatever the case, he'd never asked.

Allan's response was simply to shrug as he stared out at the lake from where he sat with Elliot on the shore. "Maybe I'm not really here and this is just you going crazy," Allan pointed out with a deadpan tone.

"No, this is definitely you," Elliot said, rolling his eyes. Allan gave a small laugh and Elliot couldn't help but smile, even if his question went unanswered.

He felt at ease while he was there. Part of it was because of Allan's presence, he was sure. The other part was the lack of things to worry about while he was there. It was most likely why he never really wanted to leave.

"You look better today," Allan pointed out.

"I feel better," Elliot agreed. He wasn't sure why that was, because life was just as frustrating as always. Allan just nodded, and Elliot thought he saw a slight smile on his face.

"So things have been going well for you?" asked Allan.

"I suppose," Elliot said with a shrug. "Honestly, things are more or less the same." It wasn't like he enjoyed his boring routine, but he saw no point in trying to change anything. Especially since most of his waking life revolved around his job, which was relatively enjoyable to Elliot.

"Have you talked to any of your old friends?" Allan asked and Elliot couldn't help but frown.

"No," he said, because he didn't speak to most of his old friends anymore. He'd distanced himself so much after Allan had passed away. Elliot supposed they had gotten tired of trying to help him, but that wasn't what Elliot had needed.

At his side, Allan sighed, and Elliot knew that he wasn't happy to hear that. He always said that Elliot shouldn't isolate himself. But he still had his sister, and sometimes, he could have Allan as well so Elliot didn't mind so much.

"I had lunch with Nathan." Elliot wasn't sure why he said it. Maybe he just didn't want Allan to look at him with so much disappointment. It seemed to work, because Allan looked at him with interest instead. "He's the guy I work with," Elliot reminded him. After all, it had been a while since he'd mentioned Nathan.

"I know," Allan said with a small smile. "He sounds nice."

"He is," Elliot confirmed, and turned back to stare at the lake's still waters. "But he can be annoying sometimes," he added with a small frown. Allan laughed, surprising Elliot.

"Is he?" Allan said with a grin that lit up his face. "You know, that's what you said about me back when we'd just met," he pointed out.

"And I was right, you were annoying," Elliot said, because he still remembered how much of a chatterbox Allan had been when they'd first met. "You still are actually," he muttered.

"I was," Allan said quietly, still with a small smile that Elliot found painful to look at. "So what makes this guy so annoying?" he asked in a louder tone.

"I don't know, he just is," Elliot said, growing frustrated just from thinking about Nathan. "He talks too much, he's always around, he's always smiling for no reason and he acts like a kid trying to make friends at school." Nathan was more like an overeager puppy than a grown man, really. "He's just so irritating," Elliot finished with a sigh.

"He sounds like an interesting guy," Allan said, still smiling at Elliot. There was something like sadness in that smile, but Elliot wasn't surprised by it. "And it sounds like he's trying to be your friend."

Elliot knew that already. "I don't need any new friends," he muttered, because it was hard enough keeping the ones he already had.

Allan didn't say anything, even though Elliot knew he'd heard him. He just stared out at the lake, where the previously calm waters were now lapping at the shore in waves that grew stronger with each moment.

"Do you ever feel alone?"

Elliot was startled by the sudden question, having been too caught up in his thoughts. He looked at Allan, but the other man didn't meet his eyes, just stared out ahead.

"No," Elliot said after a moment, shaking his head. "Do you?" he added, the thought crossing his mind as he looked at Allan.

There was always a feeling of melancholy around Allan these days. Even when he smiled, Elliot couldn't help but feel like his heart was breaking for the other man. Now though, he saw something else when Allan turned to look at him.

His gaze was steady, his expression serious, and Elliot was almost afraid of what he would say when next he spoke. The words don't leave echoed somewhere in his mind before Elliot could push the thought away.

"I'm not," Allan said. "And I don't want you to be alone either."

Elliot stood, knowing all too well where this talk would go. He didn't want to hear it, not from Allan of all people. He felt Allan grab his arm, his hand as warm and rough as Elliot remembered. It made something inside of him hurt enough that he nearly winced and recoiled.

Now too upset to talk to Allan anymore, he pulled his arm out of his grasp and stepped back, only to stumble at the edge of the shoreline. Elliot saw Allan, looking painfully disappointed, before he fell back into the water that felt so much deeper than it should be. It washed over him, muddy where it had been clear just moments earlier. A cold dread spread through Elliot as everything around him was covered by the dark waters.

Then, he woke up, bathed in cold sweat. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest as he sat up and looked around his still dark room. The same ache he'd felt in his dream still echoed in his chest.