and then you left // cth

chapter 24: shame

They were both good people, and they adored Lex.

Lex's dad wasn't in the picture, and her mom traveled a lot for work. She had to make double the income to support the both of them, but this often took her away from Lex when she needed her the most.

She was the kind of girl who tried to hide her emotion from others, for fear of coming off as needy. This was a habit she was learning to break with me around, but it took time. You had to be very observant to know how she was truly feeling inside because she usually wasn't willing to tell you herself. This was something I'd learned to do, something that took many nights of Lex literally crying into my arms.

Lex's dad left them when she was very young. Apparently, he was an alcoholic and constantly switching back and forth between rehab and low-cost apartments in the shady parts of town. From my understanding, he wasn't entirely a bad person at first. But then when Lex was born, he'd decided he wasn't ready to be a parent. So he just up and left, as if that were the right thing to do.

Lex didn't know what to think of all of this. On one hand, she obviously wanted to have a relationship with her dad. But her mom hated him now, for obvious reasons, and refused to let him see her. Because of this, it seemed he was never really on her mind. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. But I knew that always, in the back of her mind, she was curious. I mean, she had to be.

"My dad wrote me a letter," she blurts out of absolutely nowhere, and I sit up on my elbows to look at her as my eyes widen.

...

"You still trust me, after all this?" I ask her. But I am not sure I want to know her answer.

"Of course I do, Cal. I'll always trust you." Her words send vibrations through my body and I suck a breath in. She shouldn't trust me, I don't deserve that. I don't deserve anything, except to die.

"Why?" the words fall from my lips before I can contain them. I shouldn't have asked this.

Lex takes a deep breath, her chest rising and falling as she exhales. I can't help but remember how her breaths would feel against my own. God, I miss her so much. Even with only a few feet in front of me, I crave her touch. She's so close, but so damn far away.

"I honestly don't know. Maybe it's that you were there for me when literally no one else was. I mean, I'm not saying I forgive you, because I don't and I think we need to talk about that night. But, we all make mistakes. I'm just really confused right now about everything." She says honestly, and her words nearly bring tears to my eyes. She looks at me, waiting to hear my response.

"Lex," I start, but then she breaks.

"You left me, Cal." She looks at me with glassy eyes. Her chest rises and falls with a breath and I thank God that she is still here and alive and breathing. "One day you were here and the next you were gone." Her voice cracks and my heart breaks all over again.

"I can't tell you what happened that night," I start, though I instantly regret my words. She stares at me, anger and tears filling her strong green eyes.

"Why?"

"Because I still don't know myself." I admit, the shame filling inside and drowning me.

But my words are a lie. I knew exactly what happened that night. Or at least I used to. But after seven months of trying to block it from my memory, my images of the night are blurry in my head, and my thoughts were foggy. Almost like I was drunk, or high.

But one of the worst things about this whole thing is I was completely sober. I hadn't had a drink in months. All of my actions were made without the assistance of substances. Everything was in my control, and I still fucked it all up.