Trigger

twenty • mantras

I look shameful. The bags under my eyes are scary, unnatural. I feel eyes on me from everywhere, like I'm constantly being watched. I feel so tired, so worn out, and I look like it too.

Sometimes I can forget how tiring it can be just to live. But to live like this? It's gruelling.

Sighing heavily, I turn the tap on to the coldest setting, splashing some water onto my face. I need to calm down I need to get it together. I can't lose it... not like Levi did.

I'm vaguely aware of Hannah knocking on the door, asking me if I'm okay, but I don't bother answering. Eventually, Hannah calms down a bit, telling me to come out when I'm ready before leaving the room. I allow myself to breathe once she's gone, taking in slow and deep breathes once it's confirmed that I'm alone and no one can hurt me.

I close my eyes, but they shoot right back open when as soon as I'm engulfed in darkness, the words penetrate through my mind: don't try to remember.

Don't try to remember what? The accident? Sure, that makes sense. Finn is telling Levi to not think about it- to not try to remember it- because if Levi thinks about it, he loses it. What's so wrong with that? Why are those the words that were repeated over and over again like a mantra?

It takes a couple of more minutes, but I'm finally able to force myself out of the bathroom. I look around my room, noticing the blankets on the floor that I had thrown in a haste to get out of my bed earlier. I sigh, walking over and fixing the sheets, letting the cleaning calm me down until I'm no longer shaking.

I change out of my pyjamas and brush my teeth before making my way into the kitchen. Hannah is sitting there, a cup of tea in her hands, her eyes snapping towards my direction when I enter. Her eyebrows- which aren't filled and done as usual- furrow as she sees me. "Is everything okay?"

I clear my throat. "I'm fine. Sorry about that. Bad dream."

Hannah hums, her blue eyes falling back to her cup of tea. She moved is around a bit in between the palms of her hands, even though I know that it must be burning her skin. "It's fine. I made scrambled eggs, you can have some and then we can, I don't know, go for a hike. Do something normal to get our minds off of things."

I was in the bathroom long enough for Hannah to make scrambled eggs? I sigh and shake my head, walking over tot he stove. I was buried deep inside my mind. The other thing that bothers me is the last part of Hannah's suggestions- not the hike, but the mention of getting our mind off of things. 'Things'. Like the fact that Finn knew we had talked to Clayton yesterday. I'm glad that I'm not facing Hannah so she doesn't see my expression of the shudder that tears through me when I think of that. Hannah and I had simply stared at him before Hannah had just told him to go to hell, latched onto my wrist and pulled me back into the cottage. We had done a check throughout the house to make sure everything was locked before going to sleep last night; that's how shaken up we were.

I'm ashamed to say during staying up last night, the thought of Hannah betraying me came to mind, but I quickly shunned it. Hannah has been nothing less than a loyal, supportive and amazing friend. It made me sick to my stomach to even think about her being the one to tell Finn the information. Besides, she looked just as surprised as me by his statement. But I couldn't help it- last night, my mind was grasping at any possibility, even the most ridiculous and out-there ones.

And the dream I had just sends my mind reeling even more.

"Kinsley?" Hannah's voice calls out. "You've been staring at the scrambled eggs for five minutes."

I blink and look down to see that I have, indeed, been staring at the scrambled eggs. And now that I really look at them, they look delicious. I grab a plate and fork, greedily scooping up some, sitting across from Hannah on the island. Hannah is on her phone while sipping her tea, texting God knows who. I know that she broke up with her boyfriend before she came (thank God, I hated him) but Hannah has always had a lot of friends.

"I'm texting Richard," Hannah finally tells me, as if reading my thoughts. I raise an eyebrow and she rolls her eyes. "Not like that. Just about Clayton. He said that he visited Clayton this morning and he had no helpful information."

I groan. "Great. Just great. What're we supposed to do now?"

"Well, we still have the whole medical files idea..."

"Yeah, with no actual idea how to obtain them." I chew on the inside of my cheek, the eggs not looking so good anymore. What's the point? Every little lead we get ends up failing on us. I'm starting to think this is useless- maybe we should just get through this summer and leave, and hopefully I'll never have to see Finn again. I'll just refuse to come to the cottage. By next summer I'll be eighteen and my parents won't be able to force me to do anything.

Hannah seems to latch onto what I'm thinking because she quickly says, "Get that look off your face. You did not call me up here for the rest of the summer and got me roped into this mess just so we can give up." Hannah puts her phone away, taking her empty cup of tea over to the sink. "Come on. Finish up your eggs and then we'll go on that hike I was talking about earlier. God knows we could use a walk."

x

Hannah's right- the hike was pretty nice and refreshing. We got lost, of course, but by the time we found our way back, I feel like I was able to get enough oxygen into my brain to put it to good use- this goddamn mystery.

So after eating, we both agreed it's a good idea to head back to Finn and Levi's town now that we have a refreshed mind. It was even a pretty enjoyable drive- we blasted music, listened to weird remixes and sang horribly off key. It almost took the pressure off of things a bit. I'm glad we enjoyed it, though, because little did we know that this might be the last time we'd be going to town again.

xxx

Long chapter, yay! I actually really like how the dream part of this turned out, and if you too, please be sure to leave a COMMENT AND VOTE! I love you all so so much c: xoxo