Trigger

twenty • mantras

"N-No matter what I do, the pills just don't work anymore and I wish they did- God, I wish they did because I feel like a monster and it's tearing me apart-"

"Okay, breathe, Levi."

"I- I can't." And Levi genuinely seems like he can't. His hand twitches to wrap around his throat, his chest sporadically puffing up and down to try and gain the air he feels like he's losing. It's like he's drowning, and there's nothing I can do to save him. There's nothing any of us could have done. "I'm living a nightmare and I hate it, I hate it so much. I'm hurting the people I care about, and I- I can't deal with that!"

I finally realize something I wasn't able to before. Levi's not just desperate and frustrated- he's tired. Levi just sounds completely and utterly exhausted; done. He's done with feeling horrible, with crying, with blaming himself. So in the end, he felt the only person who could stop all of it... was himself. And he did. He finished it all.

"Just give it some time, Levi. I'm sure my mom will call the doctor is she sees you're really getting bad. But you're just letting it get to your head, you're fine. Stop thinking about it so much."

Levi is trembling. "I can't. Everything reminds me about it."

There's a silence. Finn's expression is a bit more miffed than before, but there's not an ounce of the Finn he had let out around Hannah and I- the satisfied, angry and vengeful one. We were all fooled.

"Well," Finn says with a convictions that contrasts with his soft and concerned expression, "You're going to have to stop thinking about it. Just- don't try to remember and maybe you'll start feeling a bit better."

His voice echoes, like it's bouncing off invisible walls.

Don't try to remember.

"It's not that easy-" Levi begins to say.

"It's going to have to be."

The voice echoes once more: don't try to remember.

Finn continues, "Listen, Levi, you're like a brother to me. But I'm not going to go easy on you, because frankly, you're starting to scare me. Hell, you're starting to scare Kinsley."

The voice gets louder.

Don't try to remember.

Levi gulps. "I know. I want to be normal."

Don't try to remember.

"You are normal. Stop convincing yourself you're not."

It goes black. I don't know why, and I don't know how, but Finn's voice just keeps echoing over and over again, like a mantra, like it's the answer to everything. It matches the beat of my heart, the rhythm of my breaths: it becomes everything, everyone, everywhere.

Don't try to remember.

Don't try to remember.

Don't try.

Don't.

Remember.

x

I wake in a cold sweat.

For once, it's not early, and Hannah is actually the one shaking me awake. I don't reply to her questions or to her concerned look- any of look of concern only manages to make me sick now. I push past her, jumping out of bed and rushing into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me, heaving deep breaths, leaning over the sink and staring at my reflection in the mirror.