Lingering Thoughts : Ebullient sorrow

Year

I know I said I'd try moving forward, but it seems im still stuck.  My feet are bogged down, the water rises and falls without my control.

I've done a stupid thing and im trying not to regret it but its hard. You're the only person I want right now, no one can take your place.

I wanted one last hug before you left. You wouldn't be back before I was gone and I didn't want you to leave. I was so desolate.

I called out to you, and hugged you. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but as soon as I was in your arms I couldn't control myself.

I started sobbing, my face buried in your chest. 

"I don't want to you to go"  

I knew it pained you to hear those words but I said them. You wrapped your arms around me and held onto to me for what seemed like hours. 

When you spoke to me your voice was the most gentle but pained I'd ever heard it. I could feel the same amount of sorrow tensed up in your body as mine.  Even to this day I remember it, your hug made me feel more comfortable than any other has. 

I continued to cry into you, even as other people watched.

But then you had to leave. 

I still couldn't face you. I didn't want you to see me crying. But it was time.

"I'm going to miss you..." I said softly, trying so hard not to let my voice crack.

I'll never forget what you said back to me. 

"I'll miss you more" it hit my like a ton of bricks, how could you miss me more when I was already in so much pain and you hadn't even left yet.

Sometimes I wonder if you meant it. And sometimes I don't think you did, but occasionally I feel like it was the truth.

With one last tight squeeze, you walked away, drooping.

I walked to my best friend, almost collapsing in tears, I couldn't see anything and I couldn't stop crying. She petted my hair and hugged me. 

It felt like my arm had been ripped from my body. A piece of me was missing.

I stopped crying soon enough, but every time I thought about never seeing you again I broke down sobbing. 

To this day I wish I had made you know just how much I loved you, just how much I cried when you were gone. I made our friends promise not to tell you.

 You were still alive back then and if it had been done, maybe things would be different. Maybe it wouldn't hurt this much.

I tried so hard to move on, but I can't forget you. I can't give my heart to anyone else... I've tried...

But I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you.