Lingering Thoughts : Ebullient sorrow

Guilt

  The first time I broke, I really only felt empty.  I had lost you, the only person I wanted to talk to, the only person I wanted to love. 

But I also felt guilty. Why did you do it on my birthday?

I felt so much shame. 

I remembered telling you some really terrible things.

I told you it was too hard  to love someone who would never love you back. I knew, I knew that wasn't something I should have said, especially to you. But I said it anyways.

I cut you off to protect myself. I couldn't take hurting anymore. I gave up on you, even though I promised myself it was something I would never do.

I thought to myself, was I last straw? Was I the reason you gave up?

I lived every day, every moment thinking these things. I blamed myself for your death, even though I knew it wasn't my fault. I had to blame myself to live.

I tried to tell people around me this, but again, they didn't understand. They told me it wasn't my fault... as if that would somehow magically make everything better. No matter how many times they said it, I still wouldn't believe them. 

It was actually rather funny, but I needed someone to validate how I was feeling. I didn't need their pity. I just needed to know it was okay to blame myself.

My mother was the only person who did.

As more time passed, I soon began to heal. They told me I needed help, but I knew my own strength and I soon crawled slowly out of the darkness. I met a very good person who listened to me but didn't coddle. I think I could have really fallen for that persons kindness if they were actually my type.

Thanks to alot of people,  I was able to smile again. Even if you were gone.

Then I broke for the second time. 

It was as if the first impact had fractured my heart and the second completely shattered it.

Somehow, something that should never happened did and new information came to light.

I.. I had pushed you, with my words to the edge.  Maybe you hadn't killed yourself yet, but surely enough I had hurt you to the point of no return.

I could only feel guilty.

I remember the second time much better, despite the sheer amount of alcohol I consumed.

I was having difficulty pretending. There was a possibility of losing my job when it all came to light.

I ended up being overwhelmed by my despair. I could feel myself losing it. I was unstable, teetering on the edge of this world and the next. Why should I live?

This time, no matter how I tried, I couldn't shake the darkness inside me away. 

I would walk aimlessly, wondering if I should follow you.  Staring at the sky, but not truly seeing. I found no meaning in living. My very existence meant nothing, in fact I wished with all my heart for someone to take it way from me. Just so I could atone for my sins.

I tried to posion myself, I was driven to a point where I could no longer think. All I could do was cry as I tried to justify my pain as I puked and puked and cried and apologized. 

One person saved me that night.They gave me reason to believe my existence was allowed. They made me realize I couldnl still live, even if I believed I had killed someone.

I was so scared. I wanted to be with you. But I wanted to be alive, to live on even if had killed you.

Even to this day I still feel guilty. I still can not reach out and tell your family just how much I loved you for being alive.  But I live with it. It's still in the deepest recess of my heart.