Lingering Thoughts : Ebullient sorrow

Hydrangeas

It's been six months. I find myself thinking about you more and more as tomorrow approaches.

I still don't want to believe it.

But as more time carries on... I'm forced to accept it. You are not here. It's the only thing I can think to say.

You are not here...

Just smoke and ashes already long gone.

I guess that's better to think about than everything else, but those horrible delusions do not fade.

Your father's .45 in your mouth as you find yourself in an abandoned lot. What did you think about in your last moments?

Laying there, the warmth seeping out of you as night turns to morning.

Your cold body, a mess, waiting hours and hours until some poor person finds your remains.

Your handsome face, your beautiful hair that always reminded me of starlight. Your eyes, those that ensared me... What happened to them...

I think about when I found out. I never thought it would happen. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. It couldn't be...

I wasn't alone, but at that moment I felt so far away from it all. Our friends called, asked me if I was okay.

My only reply "What do you think..." I could barely speak. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. I wanted to die.

I called my mother, the beginning of a long ten hours of crying. I told her what had happened and she began to cry too, even though she had never met you.

I tortured myself learning all the little details. I broke, knowing you'd done it on my birthday.

The first two weeks were rough. I don't remember much except crying and drinking. I barely ate and barely spoke. I felt as though my whole world had been destroyed and recreated without you in it.

I grieve for you still.

I still went to work, barely able to smile. I dont think I knew how to at that point.

I only broke down once in front of a customer. It was Valentine's and the day you were to be cremated. It hurt so bad to see so many people smiling with their loved ones when you were in a crematorium.

I couldn't even tell you I was sorry for what I'd said to you. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I couldn't say the one thing I wanted to say..

I love you.

Its been six months, I bought myself some hydrangeas. They're beautiful.

They suit my heartless existence.