Zoom Into me...but where are you? (Tokio Hotel)

Nowhere to be found but she was there

Nowhere to be found but she was there

I had enough of my life, every time I was alone and even if I was trying to make people happy none of them made me happy. If I dare told them my problems it always was like ‘don’t worry about it’. But I can’t stop not care about my life… it’s my life and I can’t say no I’m not going to worry who is going to rape me tonight or how drunk I will be. There I am, laying down on my bed trying to find something to write about but it ends up on me again, what can I say about myself? Nothing much, he won’t be there anymore. He’s way too far for me to reach his arms or let me cry in his arms saying ‘Thank you’. Thank you. I sighs thinking about those two words. Such beautiful two words but how much did he hear them from others, so much. I’m not the only one who will say Thank you. He’s way too famous to see me and understand I mean it. Or if he did, the next day he’ll forget. My friend told me that millions time, she right. I have to admit she is. But I just want to meet him and saying Thank you to him so I would feel relief but at the same time I wouldn’t have anything to do in my life. I would have meet him, one of my dream would be accomplished. But that dream is the one who keeps me living but makes me die as well… when I’ll meet him and says what I want to tell him, there will be no reason why to live after that. I would have done what I always wanted to do in my life so there will be no way to continue my life.

I look around my room, how lonely was I? I thought to myself. The real answer to my question is that I was pretty alone. How sad was I? To see him smile and the others, you probably think I’m happy but I don’t know anymore. I felt alone, that’s what I felt, why does every time someone leave me alone makes me depress so easily and sad… maybe because they felt me alone since I’m alive and I’m way too scared to feel that feeling again. But it’s okay, I’ll be fine when someone comes back…. But when will my Angel come back? He’s way too far, just like I said it earlier.  How mad could I be? I’m pretty mad but in the two meaning, mad by saying that I was crazy and weird, just like CC, but mad… mentally mad that I forgot what was the reality whenever I’m in my room and that I always believe stories and not anything else such as life, real life!

What happened to me? I asked myself as I look out the window and see how sad the weather was, just like me. I used to be someone who was happy just by seeing my grandmother or phoning her every Wednesday to have some news from her and listening to her just like she could make me feel better. Now every time I go to her house or phone her or even see her on webcam it makes me sad, I love her so much but it makes me sad that I left her alone when I moved here. She’s such a lovely grandma, can be annoyed at times but I love her so fucking much. She’s like my second mother. She was always there to make me happy but now she’s way too far from me to tell her whenever I’m sad or she won’t understand because there’s no reasons why I’m sad. Just like there’s no reason why I have a dirty mind. Okay, the reason for that is Ashley, but that’s a different story.

I used to be so innocent before, so shy I’ll never have dreamed before I could say ‘shit’ in front of my parents just because I’ve dropped something or forgot something. I would have never have dreamed to wear a leather jacket or some makeup just like Ashley Purdy war paint. Never did I dreamed to say ‘fuck off’ to anyone or ‘fuck you bitch’. I never imaged to show my middle finger to my brother before. I wasn’t a wild child, even a child, when I was younger. I was a doll. I always wanted my parents to be proud of me, not like brother who never did his homework or didn’t care at all about school when he was only in primary school. I always did my homework and enjoyed school and care a lot about my grades though I was very shy.

Now, who am I? Everything that I never would have dreamed before, a rebel, a dirty minded girl, and all the bad things that I never wanted to be before when I was a child. But it’s because I was depress for such a long time that I fell in love with black and darkness.

Tokio Hotel were my saviours as well as helping me being myself and unique. I’ve been living for them for such a long time, since I know them. I wish they could come back pretty soon. I cry every time I hear their name or their voice. I cry just because I miss them and I need them in my life. I was dying just before I knew them and one month after still my parents got involved with it.

I’m sorry Ashley, but Tokio Hotel comes first. The twins comes first. They saved my life, you just help me continue hoping for them and believe in them more than your band. You should hate me for being such a jerk or such a bitch to your band, but that’s the way I feel. Tokio Hotel always have been the first one in my life and the first one I will give everything to. If Tokio Hotel weren’t alive, I wouldn’t be either. If Tokio Hotel weren’t there or I never knew about them, I wouldn’t never have met my friend/ sister/ mother who will never tell me about Black Veil Brides and I will never knew how awesome my Purdy Bestie is. You have to thanks Tokio Hotel for who I am now. Yes, I’m broken still and yes my heart still hurts and yes I’m not fine yet but whenever I’m around them, whenever I listen to them, whenever I cuddle with them, I’m fine. One day, it actually happened, I couldn’t stop coughing and I cuddle with my Tokio Hotel Coushin that I had for Christmas and suddenly I’ve stopped my coughs. I was fine, perfectly fine and I fell asleep. It seems pretty stupid and silly but it shows that they are a lot to me and makes me better. They don’t know me, I know that. But I keep on dreaming and believe in them, more than I believe in myself… they are a lot to me and I can’t stop loving them, I’ve tried to once but I died inside. It was too much to take in.

I’ve tried, I promise I did. But talking to someone who is there and listening is something that I find hard and difficult to do. I’m just too scared to hurt you and make you upset if you’re having a good time enjoying our fan-fiction, or makes you even more upset if you’re upset already.

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I've wrote this when I was alone, a while ago. And I only found it yesterday.... I miss TH a lot more now.... so yeah. Hopefully I'm not the only one :P

'Nowhere to be found but she was there' I got the tittle of the idea to be lost but you're still on earth somewhere in this world. I don't know XD I didn't change a bit since I last read it, yesterday, to keep every emotion I had that moment when I wrote this... Hopefully you should understand me...