New life.(Kbtbb Editing)

Chapter 39//Lifeless

I could see his brown silk brown hair slightly messy Falling around his face His Yellow eyes scan the crowd Slightly and settle on me for a second.I meet his eyes but instead of screaming or flipping him off I just sigh lightly feeling my heart  have a familiar aching feeling.

He doesn't care Catarina just go to your Room you need to clean.

Iv'e been listening to that tiny voice in my head for awhile now and I wasn't about to stop now.I look at him blankly Not a care on my face I turn away from him Frowning lightly I walk robotically away I could feel his stare pierce into my back but I make myself not look back.Clenching my jaw I gnash my teeth together.

I don't even care anymore why should I?

I enter the room and I widen my eyes sightly seeing Takahiro Straighten the vases.I clear my throat and he snaps his head up at me He give's me a little smile but I just nod my head at him.I haven't smiled for awhile Hell I haven't even Really talked for a while I stay silent and do my work.I go over to the bed's and smooth out the sheets while fixing the pillow's My mouth in a grim line.

"Hey Catarina?"Takahiro call's out over to me I straighten my back and look at him Over my shoulder nodding my head letting him know it's okay to talk to me A small smile still on his face he open's his mouth and nervously asks me what's been on his mind."Uh can..."He bite's his lip ad suddenly straightens out instead of a small smile he flashes me a heart warming one I slightly narrow my eyes waiting for him to spit out what he want's to ask me.

"Would you like to go to the bar with me tonight?"I widen my eyes and Look at him confused "I mean it doesn't need to be a bar we could eat or something..." I look down Getting lost in my thoughts.Is he asking me out?I think he is....But it wouldn't be good if we go to the bar Considering I know I'm going to go crazy on the drinking and I don't really eat anymore...

Slowly I look back up meeting his gaze and nod two time's He look's quite relived that I didn't shoot him down and he smirk's lightly however When he smirked It felt emptier to me.You just miss him Catarina get over it He tossed you to the side he's a man-whore You knew that from the very start.I allow a very very smile to be shown to him I go back to the bed and tilt my head to the side.

Yeah I just need to forget about him I never feel in love it was just an illusion As I've said before many time's Love is not real.

I blink away my emotions and continue to work silently.

~After work~

I head out of the hotel and see Takahiro Leaning right against the brick wall I walk up to him straightening my White blouse and let my hair fall out of the ponytail it was in all day.I tug at his sweatshirt instead of announcing that I was next to him.He snaps his head over to me Surprised at first but soon that surprise melted away to something else that I couldn't quite read.

We both start walking towards the bar I stay quite not Saying any objections I'm not going to drink anyways.Haha watch me break that 2 seconds later..

You know it's funny I though I was Lifeless and cold hearted before well from before compared to me now I had no idea What it meant to be so....Lifeless.I hate it,I hate feeling numb and tired all the time there are now nights where I just beg for it all to just go away I would kill myself if it wasn't for that I made a promise to My mom before she died that I would try To find a way to be happy and like I said before I fully intend to at least try.

If I Died now I would break that promise and I'm not going to disrespect her like that.Now I know some people can wonder how I forgave her so quickly Considering I grew up in fear because of her the answer is quite simple If you really think about it.

I'm not a forgiving type of a person I hold grudges for a very long time But when you see your Mom in pain and So pale so Lost to this world And you see that she is truly sorry It's hard not to forgive a person after you witness that.I just wish I never had to witness it I just.....

I'm so sorry.

It was my selfishness Thats ruining everyone and myself.Yet I will not stop being the way I am Simply because I do not know how to stop,I can try but it would be close to impossible That's what makes me a horrible person.What makes me so horrible Is I do not regret Ignoring her all those years,I do not regret Walking away from her years ago,I do not regret telling her to her face that I hated her when I was younger.

I do however regret becoming the way I am a disgrace to our family and to my mother.

I stop my thought process by looking over at Takahiro he seems to be in his own little thought process to Until he senses my eyes on him He turns his head in my direction my tired eyes fallowing his movements.

So tired....

I try to shake it away and he Tilt's his head to the side slightly "What is it?" He questions Looking at me confused I simple shake my head to indicate It was nothing he raises an eyebrow and stops walking all together I stop to as well a little farther up than him."I haven't heard you talk in a long time."I comment's the obvious I shrug my shoulders And purse my lips together Tightly in a line."People are worried about you,You know Cat..."He states almost accusingly at me and I narrow my eyes at him almost scowling.

I call Bullshit alert name one person who actually gives a shit about me!

I want to scream that at him but instead settle for another simple shrug.He sighs possibly aggravated He reaches his hand out to me Instinctively I swat his hand away quickly Backing away from him Now full on scowling.This action seems to surprise him more than hurt his feelings His backs away a little bit to holding his hands up in a surrender Position.

Don't you dare touch me.

I suddenly stiffen Releasing I was acting idiotically I downcast my eye's to the ground feeling slightly guilty,I didn't need to swat him away it's not like he was going to molest me.I sigh lightly and lift my head up to him Lifting the corner's of my lip's into a small smile as if to say 'I'm sorry' he seems to understand and just smiles at me back.Feeling awkward I shift to my right foot fidgeting slightly until I just turn back around and walk towards the bar I could hear his voice call out to me from behind of myself.

"Will you talk at all?"

I frown to myself and bite my lip.Chances are no I haven't talked to anybody In about 3 days now and for some reason I just didn't feel like Talking.I smirk slightly so he couldn't see and Shake my head a 'no' a couple times.What's talking going to do?Absolutely nothing It will possibly only hurt more Plus I couldn't even stand my own voice not at this moment.

Then the two people I was hoping to not see for awhile Exit the bar His arm wrapped around the girls waist almost protectively  and he places a kiss on her lips it was a quick gesture but It still tore my heart In two.My throat suddenly felt dry and my stomach did a large backflip Jealousy and sickness surged through my veins along with pain and Hurt.

He really did Toss me to the side for another girl who wasn't a Emo or a suicidal freak someone who didn't trouble him someone who would do anything for him someone who wouldn't argue with him over every little thing.That someone wasn't me... 

I wanted to slap myself For thinking like that but deep down I knew it was true.

I look to the side to avoid looking at them and I run over to the grass kneeling down on my knees I pull my hair out of my face and start to dry-heave Making sicking noises.I was driving myself insane over a single person A person who didn't care about me a person who used me.To be fair I did know he was using me Thats the only reason why he bought me Even when I was stuck int hat cage he didn't care about me he just wanted someone to help him.

I could feel Takahiro's worried gaze cut into me but that just makes a sob leave my lips I quickly try to cover it up knowing I was in public and in front Of Eisuke along with Takahiro I wont Break down that easily I don't care If I'm dying on the inside I have at least that much dignity. 

"I know I'm perfect and all but that's just sad that your still crying over me."

Im going to jail tonight for murder....