Last Tears

Chapter 6

"Let events flow in their predestined path, and do not sleep except with a clear mind. Between the period of the blinking of the eye and its opening, Allah changes things from one state to another- Arab poet

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It was 10am when I watched someone come into the house to alert Nasir of the imam's arrival. They had since brought all the things they needed for Amir. And the imam was here to walk Nasir through the funeral bath.

He wouldn't let me do it. He truly wouldn't let me

So I watched helplessly as they picked Amir. i made no move to interrupt and they took him outside to a canopy that was set up with a table inside for Nasir to bathe him.

And after the bath, they were going to pray for him and then take him to the cemetery. By now the whole house was crawling with people; women  inside and men sitting outside praying. Apparently not many people cry at the death of a boy. He was 'too young' for them to feel the loss.

Even as I heard the men outside begin performing the funeral prayer; I couldn't find it in me to cry. I had run out of energy sometime in the night. I was still thinking; but if felt like my mind was dead. All I could do was blink. When the prayers were over; my father in law came in to tell me they were leaving with Amir and I stepped out. By now the body was wrapped in white and kept in the car. I stood by the car and just watched him in silence for a minute.

"We need to leave" Nasir said from behind me.

I nodded and moved closer; I held my hands up to pray. I said the prayer I made for him every night when he was going to bed. I rubbed my hands over his face and chest.

"Amir" I whispered. Even I couldn't hear myself "Goodnight" and turned away, walking back into the house.

XXX

In the next three days; as people continued to mourn in the house; I didn't shed a single tear. I'd lost the ability to cry. Or maybe I just didn't have anything to cry for anymore; I'd come to terms with it.

My mother and mother in law took charge of the house and fed the people in the house till the third day when people stopped coming. I hadn't said anything to anyone in those days and I hadn't eaten anything either. And by the fourth day I couldn't even get out of bed.

It was on the fourth day that my mother decided something was wrong and put me in the back seat of a car and asked the driver to take me to the hospital. She didn't even bother to come with me. I was admitted for four days and no one came to see me. I wondered how I was going to pay the bills then remembered we had a family membership so Nasir was going to be charged for it. On the day I expected to be discharged; the nurse who had been looking after me came in.

"Good afternoon Maheen" she smiled at me and as usual I just nodded. "The doctor wants to meet you"

I nodded and pulled my scarf that was on the chair of the room and fixed it around my head before walking out after her. I went into the doctor's office and there was another man sitting in one of the chairs opposite the doctor. The nurse motioned me to sit in the second one and I did.

Whatever the men were laughing about before I came in; they stopped.

"Doctor" the nurse spoke; "This is the patient in ward 323 I told you about"

"Hello" he nodded. "I'm doctor Charles. And you are?"

I stared blankly at him.

"She's Maheen Nasir" the nurse supplied knowing I wouldn't talk.

"Maheen" he nodded. "I've seen your reports. You are fit and healthy to leave" he paused, "But I won't discharge you yet"

I waited for him to continue and he looked back at the nurse before he said "My sister told me about your condition. You refuse to eat anything. Now that you're off a drip I hope you know you're going to have to eat something" he then leaned closer as though to deliver something serious. "I've been told what you're going through and I completely understand. But starving yourself won't bring back your son. You should be fit and healthy for him. I'm sure he wouldn't want you like this"

His words even though I knew were rehearsed moved something in me. I felt the nurse's hand on my shoulder to reassure me that what her brother was saying was true.

"You have to be strong and carry on for the both of you" he continued. "You have to eat Maheen." He said staring into my eyes. He was an elderly man. He looked almost fifty years and he had some white hair making him look fatherly and wise. He was average built and even while sitting down I could tell he was tall. His staring into me made me feel uncomfortable like an uncle was reprimanding me so I looked away and laid my eyes on the second man in the room. I was looking at him for the first time and I noticed how he had turned his seat and was staring at me too. He looked like a northerner. In order to not let the doctor's words stir up more emotions in me I distracted myself and began reading the chart behind the other man, on the wall.

Top ten defenses for type 2 Diabetes

1 get physically active as often as possible – Start with a 10 minute walk today

"Maheen are you listening to me?" Dr charles asked

2 take a fasting blood glucose test if you are 45 or older and overweight or younger and overweight with other risk factors

"Maheen please, I can't keep you on IV just because you refuse to eat something" the nurse spoke

3 drink water and no-calorie "diet" drinks rather than drinks sweetened with sugar

A hand held up in front of me and snapped two fingers jolting me out of my reading. I looked at the owner and watched as the second man spoke up for the first time "Listen to me. As long as you are his patient you are going to do as he says and do what the nurse tells you" he said his tone harsh "You are not a baby, so you do not need to be force fed. And if the need arises for you to be force fed; I'm going to make sure she does it you hear me?!" he yelled and I winced in surprise. "Do you hear me miss?!" he repeated and I slowly nodded my head.

"Good" he leaned back in his chair and turned back towards the doctor "I believe that is all" he said dismissing me

I looked back at Dr Charles in time to see him mask the shocked look on his face with a small smile directed at me and he nodded in consent for me to leave.

"Let's go Maheen" the nurse Catherine said to me and I stood up; still in surprise about what the other guy said to me.

How rude!

And for the first time in more than a week, I felt something other than distress, anguish and overall depressive emotions. I felt anger.

Who was he to talk to me like that?

Stupid man