The one apple you can not bite

Chapter one

Every neighbourhood has that local girl, who parties a lot, Gets home late, has a lot of friends, her heels echo through the streets; you see her behind the dj booth, drinking till the mornings... Well thats me.

Now you have to bear with me because this story is very personal... thefore I have to start from the beginning.

I grew up in a small country and an even smaller community but nonetheless ... how can i say this, socially I am part of the Elite. Our country Armein though small it's evolved, now let's get into my childhood...
For the first part I lived at my grandparents house, with my parents, my uncle and his wife at this very small village, I loved it , I was happy, alone and happy but my time there was short. At 13 me and my parents moved into the city, and it was a total lifestyle change... according to my parents because me... Im a very adaptable person.

Now my teenage years were rough, My parents although successful in their financial choices , they made many mistakes. Towards each other and then towards me.

My father is a really crazy person, i love him but he is strict and loud and mean and cold ; and my mother well, She's the light of my eyes but yet she engages in this stupid loop , and that has started to annoy me..
as a teen their fights hurt me, their words cut deep into my brain, my gut.

They imbedded themselves like leeches into my consciousness, which inevitably affected me immensely, spiritually and psychologically.

I had to grow up fast, especially emotionally. I had to be aware of everything, everyone at all times. Besides that I was different, it was honestly visible from a very early age that I was a very expressive child ; I think too much, too different from others, I always had a problem with right or wrong, being on time, studying too much, caring about the latest fashion brands, I cared about little things way more, little things like conversations. All these mix of intense feeling were visible during my teenage years . Any time my parents fought each-other I'd take the car and start a 5 day bender of drugs alcohol and unprotected sex.

At age 16 I had my first sexual awakening, the sex was awful but nonetheless I realised i really liked it, now in my small city if the elders heard me, saying this, out loud ... one of them would have a heart attack.

However by age 17 I knew everyone in My city that knows how to have fun, I knew most of the weed dealers, I even smoked it myself... I knew the good girls , the bad girls, The bad boys, The tough boys etc... I had a massive friend group, all of us rich off our parents , spoiled but still even among them I was the most rebellious.

Or I will better say ; most curious, By 17 to 17 I had tried everything that a decent god loving girl shouldn't do...

However when the morning came, I knew what lines shouldn't be crossed.. My curiosity put me into places I loved, hated or even despised, however it taught me alot.

I learned alot about myself, people around me though because I was constantly high or drunk, living the fast life, that I wasn't aware of what I was doing, or even better they thought I had no aspirations besides this...

And that my friends Its not true.

I talk to myself alot, I also talk to God to, not that I practice a certain religion, But my heart finds calmness in sharing my gratitude or my dissatisfaction with someone, something, somewhat.

I am constantly thinking about the future even when I am admiring the present, My heart longs for adventure, but not the luxurious type, My mind yearns for conversations besides the boring doings of our normal day. I want freedom, honourus freedom.

All my life I have felt alone, regardless of my luck in my friends and the way i live, I have always felt alone, or not worthy. I've struggled with depression and this uncontrollable explosions of feelings. Which always resulted in me hurting someone close to me and my self.

I have worked with my self as much as I could, I am a prisoner as much as I am free. I am the sun exactly how much I am the moon. I've always confused the ones around me, and to be frank I confuse myself, I have tried to control my mind, my life and the animal inside of me.

But I could not.