Wildfire (A Katy Perry and John Mayer FanFiction)

Rummaging for Answers

I stood there, partially clueless, wondering how I was supposed to respond. For once he was the right one, and I was no longer in control of this relationship. But the truth is I didn't want a boyfriend. I didn't want to be with another person when I felt like I had to control the whole entire thing. But something triggered my mind when I met John. My whole life turned around and headed in the total opposite direction I wanted to be going in. Instead of carrying on with my career, I carried on with my romantic life, so so quickly. I moved on from my past. But he doesn't know what I put myself through to be with him. He doesn't know how many times I cried myself to sleep at night because I was forcing myself to be with him. He doesn't know how hard I tried to put a smile on my face the first time we met. Or how bad I wanted him to want me. This relationship was nothing but a web of lies.

"I-It shouldn't matter. You're right." I replied with a half smile plastered over my misery. Ok, maybe I wasn't miserable, but I was surely panicking. What was I doing? Why would he still want to be with me when all I wanted to do is be in control? It was like I was holding him hostage. But i should just let him go and the whole problem would be solved just. like. that. I look into his troubled eyes, full of desperation and worry. It was like looking through a tunnel that went on for miles, filled with all different shades of brown, something I would never forget. He looked guilty, even thought I should be the guilty one. He's always taking the blame for everything I do, and it's sweet. But I don't need someone covering for me all the time. It's beginning to get annoying.

"Kate-- Look I'm sorr-"

I sigh and get up from the edge of the bathtub, my feet dragging across the white and black tiled floor. My body felt cold to the touch as I approached him. He looked terrified of me. "Don't--be sorry." I stated, my pulse slowly elevating out of my extreme state of nervousness. "This is all my fault. You know I didn't mean to hurt you." I shake my head, looking down at his feet. "Tell me you know that." I pleaded. He shook his head at me, squeezing his eyes shut in disbelief. "This wasn't your fault, John. It's mine." I finally admitted it. But he still was speechless. Why wasn't he talking to me? This wasn't his fault. It was mine. I'm the only one who could truly take full blame for it anyway. He wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't. It was simple. But I was in one anyway. The two sides of me were fighting and before I knew it I was feuding with myself. We were two totally different people. The only thing we had in common was music, really. That was it. What were we doing?

"Will you ever just look at yourself Katy? Look at us! It's clear to me that you just don't give two shits about this relationship!" The tension in the room was high, and I still noticed the thick glare in his eyes, indicating he was truly upset with me. This wasn't something I was going to easily get out of. I was stuck in a large pile of quicksand.

It was silent. The room was quiet and for a second I thought I could probably hear a pin drop. I looked at my feet, curling up my toes and watching the tears come dropping from my eyes as they slowly fell onto the ground, making a thick thump noise. "I do care, John. Of course I do. But maybe just not enough for you! What do you even want from me!?" I ask, throwing my hands in the air. I was truly upsetting not only him but myself. It's a shame that we have to disagree all the time like this. "You know I'm not one of those touchy feely people that wastes their time writing love letters and enjoys getting flowers. That's not who I am! And if you can't just accept that I don't know if we can see each other anymore!"

He looks at me with disgust in his eyes as he bites his lip in a sense of aggression. He was raging. And I knew it. "No, no, no--- I'm not playing your stupid little games, Katy. I'm not putting up with it this time!" He turns around, pulling at the roots of his loose curly hair, the hair that I loved to comb my fingers through whenever we lied down in bed at night, and just stared at each other without saying a word until I fell asleep in his arms. The thought was eating me alive. I really fucked shit up this time.

"Oh so you fucked me once and now it's over? You're throwing all of this away like it's garbage, John! I thought I could trust you." I reply. It sounded like I was blaming him even thought that wasn't my intention at all. We both knew that this was completely my fault, no doubt about it. But I had to just ruin everything in a blink of an eye. I was throwing everything we ever had away.

"You can't be fucking serious, Kate!" He laughs, pacing back and forth around the room. He looked like he was going nuts. "This was all about your sisters flipping opinion and now you're trying to end things with me?! If that's how you want things to be then well be it because I'm not gonna put up with your bullshit any longer!" He says to me with eyes that seemed to dart right into my own, making me go temporarily blind for a split second. I hated myself. Nothing was going my way anymore. But was breaking up with John really going to make me happy? I thought to myself, quickly chipping the red nail polish off of my nails. It wasn't. But it might if I just leave him alone. Then I would know for a fact he's happy. That's all I ever wanted in the first place.

"You know, I'll leave. I'll leave." I obviously knew for a fact that this was my house and I couldn't leave it permanently, especially because I had all of my friends waiting outside. But i was going to leave for the moment. I needed time to think about this. Not just a day, maybe a week, maybe a month.

John's POV

"Katy---" it was too late. When I heard that front door slam shut I knew. I knew that I screwed this up. We had both broke each other's hearts. But hurts knowing that I broke hers. I broke the promise that I secretly made to her and it was doing nothing but hurting me inside.

I watched her walk outside, the sun shining on her porcelain skin as she slid on a pair of her classic raybans. She looked so beautiful, but it was clear to me that she had tears in her eyes. She was upset. So was I. I didn't know if I was ever going to see her again and that literally killed me. She walked out on me right before my eyes. I was no longer given the privilege to look into those blue eyes at night and see all different shades of blue. And play with her silky black hair. Or make her listen to my favorite albums even though she hated it. It was all taken away from me. 

"Guys." I say to Katy's large group of friends. All of their eyes were on me now, and i had to tell them. I still didn't know if I could trust them or not, considering they barely knew me. They didn't know who I was, or how much Katy meant to me. They didn't have a clue. "I think I just lost the love of my life."