It Ends With a Text (Sequal to It Began With a Text)

Family Forest

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Seungmin:

Your honour, I, the defendant, Kim Seungmin, firmly believe that only cousin is the ONLY role for me on this elaborate Stray Kids family tree and the prosecution is a fucking idiot for believing otherwise.

Before I dive into a broken-down analysis of my key points towards this, frankly, obvious position, I believe I should get the common sense of my argument out of the way, in which the only age group for me in this family tree is that of a kid. Why, you may ask? Because, if we are doing our math right, and I assure you, I am, I was placed in honours math for eight years of my school life, I am the second youngest of this group. Therefore, my personal experiences are adjacent to that of a child. Making me a divorcee puts me in the age group we will call the Grown People. I am unsuited for such a prestigious and responsibility-driven position. I have been shielded from the burdens of this world. I am solely unprepared for the mental load placed upon the minds and hearts of these Grown People. I was put onto this Earth to stir shit up and in order to do so, I must be placed in the adequate role for my almost maknae heart. Plus, I could never be Minho's divorcee because hell would freeze over before I ever accept a proposal from him. The only time you will see me on one knee is to push his outstretched hand off a cliff. The only ceremony you will see us both present at is Minho's funeral, and rest assured, he WILL be the first of us to bite the dust, I will see to it personally if it comes to that. Every day, I wake up knowing that God has put hate in my heart and Minho is my conduit. So no, a marriage between us, even a doomed one, is an impossibility of the highest magnitude.

Now that we have established why I must be a kid and NOT a divorcee, let us now explore my reasoning for wishing to be a cousin, and that too, an only one. Well, I believe my reasoning for the latter is pretty self explanatory. I am, what the poets would call, a 'lone wolf.' Hence, me needing to share my oxygen with another homo sapien in my living abode will simply not do. I am unsuited for the 'companionship' provided by a 'sibling.' I know Minho would agree with me (rest in peace.) As I have made it evident, I do not like people. I will avoid them if I must and my association with this group was more of a matter of captivity than gracious choice. I cannot imagine a world where any dear parents of mine would put another life onto this earth without consulting me first. Chan and Minho are capable of such cruelty which means I can be no child of theirs. A sibling would change the entire trajectory of my life, robbing me of my inner peace and joy and whimsy.

I also must go into detailed analysis as to why the sibling options presented to me are inadequate. While I appreciate this menu of options, I must impolitely decline. Felix and Han are the very definition of Thieves of Joy and Whimsy. And seeing how I am younger than both of them, I would never be afforded even a few minutes of peace in my life. I would be born into a world where their existence is always guaranteed. Can you comprehend the horror of such an ordeal? And yet, you wish such a reality upon me? For shame! As for the option of having Jeongin as a younger brother, I ask you, do you not value the happiness of your precious maknae? The way acids and bases are constantly striving for a state of equilibrium, I am constantly striving for a state of maknae. Jeongin, in being my younger brother, would be placed as my greatest obstacle to this goal. There is no limit to the tortures I would inflict upon him, acting upon the subconscious desires that ruminate in my heart. If the worst comes to worse, I cannot guarantee his life. "But Seungmin, he would be your precious brother, you would love him and never hurt him, yadayadayada--" Bitch, I am the embodiment of chaos, an indomitable spirit that not even love can conquer. Do not test me. The one mercy I grant upon you feeble beings is to veto this little brother option completely and therefore spare Jeongin of a potential life of fear and agony.

Therefore, when all is said and done, the role of cousin is the only role which will satisfy me. It is a role that will give me ultimate freedom to watch the world burn, while also giving me adequate distance from this family tree for me to dwell in my intelligence and introspectiveness. Speaking of intelligence, as Felix promptly decided, I will be the subject of envy, my presence a wrath upon my cousins, my superior absence haunting the halls. Imagine the ire that would be felt by my theoretical younger sibling upon constantly having to be associated with his pinnacle of an older brother. The only way this storyline works is if I am the lone cousin, with my aforementioned distance bridging the hurt feelings that stem from spiteful grownups comparing their kids and nephews. If you guys were thinking through this storyline the same, thorough and precise, leaving no stones unturned, way that I was, you would have also reached this same conclusion.

So IN conclusion, bow down to your new cousin, peasants. Your honour, I rest my case, so don't be a sore loser.

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Felix:

okay FIRST of all, lets address that 'rest in peace' in your third paragraph, minho isnt dead???

Seungmin:

he is in my heart

Felix:

okay fine, so SECOND of all, what the fuck

Seungmin:

court is adjourned.

Felix:

nono we havent heard from the jury yet

Seungmin:

in order for a jury panel to exist, the defendant must motion for one, and i never did such a thing. furthermore, this is not a murder trial, this is idenity denial. im going to law school bitch, good night

Felix:

nm i dont want you as a brother

Seungmin:

I DONT WANT YOU AS A BROTHER EITHER, AS I HAVE MADE CLEAR

Felix:

pls go to sleep seungmin, ur hurting my feelings 🙁

Seungmin:

GOOD GN

Felix:

MF GOOD NIGHT

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Hyunjin:

well that was an activity

Felix:

wanna draw out this family tree with me on call?

Hyunjin:

oh what the hell, kk only if we can hop on the game afterwards

Felix:

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

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Felix:

wait what if jeongin was seungmin's dad?

Hyunjin:

felix pls stop talking