Our Eternal Ruin (Auslly)

19. Dez knows

"Very good." James cleared his throat and pressed stop on his recorder.

Hadn't known he was recording but whatever.

Ethan reached across the space between us and touched my arm. "Thank you, Austin. We'll leave you to your packing. You sure you still want to drive yourself?"

"Yup." I grinned, remembering Ally and her excitement. "I'm bringing my girlfriend."

James sighed heavily, but Ethan grinned and said, "Good for you."

"Thanks."

They left the room and I was emotionally ready to throw a bat at anything that talked to me.

"Hey, those goons bothering you?" Dez said launching himself into my room just as Ethan and James left.

"Always." I groaned. "So please, punch me, get it over with."

Dez looked guilty.

Oh no.

"Are you sick?" He asked in a quiet voice.

"How much did you hear?" I didn't look at him.

I couldn't, if I did, I'd probably lose it and then just want to punch myself for crying like a baby.

"I know one's a shrink and the other says you're on some sort of drugs that make you sick, and then I heard something about surgery."

A few seconds went by.

Hell, I hadn't told anyone. I didn't want anyone to know, because I wanted to feel normal if it was my last autumn on this earth.

"Yeah, man." I bit down on my lip, still refusing to make eye contact. "I'm sick."

"How sick?" Dez sat in the chair by my desk.

I could see his feet tapping against the floor whether it was in nervousness or just awkwardness I couldn't tell because I was still being a pansy and staring at the floor.

"Really sick." My voice broke.

Damn it.

"Are you going to get better?"

I laughed without humor and finally lifted my gaze to meet his. "I have no idea. I find out in four weeks."

"What happens in four weeks?"

"Nosy bastard, aren't you?"

He grinned and gave me a haphazard shrug.

I sighed and shook my head.

"Surgery, and if it doesn't work, or if I die during it, yeah, well... it's curtains I guess on either end."

"So it's going to be fine then? You'll be fine?"

"Define 'fine'?" I laughed, the sound harsh in my quiet room. "If dying is fine, then yeah, I'll be fine. If living for a few more months while my body gets slowly stolen away from me by unhealthy cells, then yup. Fine, fine, fine, so damn, fine." I wiped my face with my hands and groaned.

"She doesn't know, does she?" Dez asked.

"Hell, no."

"Don't tell her."

"What?" My head snapped up. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"It will only freak her out, especially since you're going to be fine, right?" He gave me a confident smile. "You can beat it."

It was the first time someone had said that to me.

Everyone else had been so concerned. Ethan about the symptoms, my dad about depression, nobody — not even the doctor — had told me I was strong enough to take it.

I nodded jerkily, trying not to cry like a baby and said, "You're right. I will beat it."

"Or I'll beat you." Dez laughed. "For not only breaking her heart but dying after Homecoming. I mean, seriously? Even you have to admit how messed up that is."

"Yeah, well." I kicked off my shoes and lay down on the bed. "I like her. I want to spend time with her and time isn't something I really have. It's a luxury you know? People don't realize how lucky they are. Do you even realize how much it pisses me off when people complain about silly things like their lunch being crappy or their coffee tasting bad? I would drink shitty coffee and eat rotten food for the rest of my life if I could just have a life. You know?"

"Yeah," Dez said softly. "I can't say I know what you're going through, but I can imagine how bad that would suck, to know that you may not be here to enjoy even the shitty things life has to offer, because at least you'd be here, at least you'd be—"

"Alive," I finished. "I'd be alive."

"So live now," Dez challenged. "Go kiss that freshman you convinced me you had no feelings for."

"I plan on it." My grin was so wide it hurt.

"Good talk." Dez laughed. "I'll just show myself out."

"Dez?" I asked once he reached the door.

He turned and waited.

"Thanks for listening."

He gave me a salute. "Yeah, well, I'm still going to kick your ass if you break her heart."

"And here I thought we where beginning to build up a real friendship." I laugh. "Don't worry. I imagine she's going to be the one doing the breaking."

"How do you figure?" He crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame.

"Because in the end, I won't have anything to give her that's worth having."

"Do yourself a favor." Dez pushed away from the door, "Let her be the one to make that choice in the end. Not you."

I nodded.

Yeah, I could do that.

I owed her that much, and I'd sure as hell die trying.

I smirked at the double meaning.

Dez waved goodbye and walked off.

Who would have thought Dez was this wise? Or that he was that deep? Just goes to show what you miss in life when you aren't really looking.

Seek and you'll find.

Act like an ass and you'll only see your reflection in the mirror.

__________________________________________________________________________