Go To Hell | Blue Exorcist/Tokyo Ghoul Crossover

Chapter Thirty-Two: Hold On To You

It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault!

With a sharp gasp, I jump out of slumber, tears still clinging to my cheeks as I loudly groan, a sob hitching in my throat as I do. I swear, for the past week or so, all I've had is that same fucking nightmare over and over again. And it's driving me absolutely crazy! It's as if my mind loves to taunt me into thinking that it's real, displaying such vivid images and scenarios that I wake up fearing that it's an actual memory.

Sighing, I rub my face with my palms before I gently rest my fingertips against the back of Rin's hand, soon curling them around it so that I can clasp it tightly, pressing a kiss against the skin with a shaky breath. Last week, when the fight between Shoki and Rin broke out, I was so certain that I'd lost him. That he'd died and it was all my fault that he'd never draw breath again. Until I heard his heartbeat, throbbing against my ear like the pounding of a drum.

After that, I did the only thing I cold think of, being to rush him back to Anteiku as quickly as possible, where they got him breathing again and tried everything they could to get him to wake up. We waited minutes. Hours. Days. Eventually, Yoshimura confirmed that he'd slipped into a coma and there was no telling when he'd open his eyes again.

Whimpering a little, I hold his wrist against my ear, his pulse still strongly thudding through it, allowing me to breathe a small sigh of relief, though that still doesn't cast away the utter despair that's possessed me ever since all of this happened. Because, despite what Touka says, this was my fault. If I hadn't have freaked out, Rin wouldn't have ran away and none of this would've happened in the first place. He'd still be awake. He'd probably be teasing me about how, when we got to Tokyo that night, that one guy at the train station asked me where I got my nails done and I had to awkwardly tell them that it was some kind of made up medical condition, though it was so cringey, Rin practically couldn't stop giggling.

But he's not doing any of those things. He's stuck here, in this bed, unresponsive in every single way, though I'm unsure of whether or not he can hear what we're saying; sometimes comas work in such ways and, others, it's just as though the person's asleep. With Rin, none of us have a clue, though we're leaning towards the fact that he can't hear us since, when he was in a coma after his first encounter with Shoki, he awoke thinking that he'd only been knocked out for a few hours. But it's not as if we'll know until he wakes up. If he does.

I know I shouldn't, for the benefit of myself, as well as everyone else, think about the unhappy ending to all of this, but I just can't help it. Becoming a ghoul turned me into a pessimist, which sucks in situations like these where it's literally a matter of life and death. I mean, Rin could wake up any second now, perfectly fine and back to his old self. But he could also stop breathing at any given moment and that would be it. Then again, I guess that's true for life in general really. Even still, I can't help but worry 24/7, which is why I've been unable to get sleep for the past week. Whenever I do, I'm awoken by nightmares.

But that's not all I'm lacking the ways of health; eating's been another issue too. I guess I decided that, if Rin has to suffer in this state, then I don't deserve to feed myself. I don't deserve to be healthy after what I did to him. If anything, I should be suffering far more than he is, so I refuse to eat, no matter how many times Touka tries to shove flesh at me, demanding that I at least take one mouthful. That argument is quickly won when you have a size-altering demon-cat on your side to back you up.

"I'm telling you, Kaneki's not gonna let you in there!" I hear Touka urgently hiss from down the hallway, my body flinching a little as I gradually uncurl my kagune from the base of my back, Kuro twitching a little in his sleep as he bundles himself up next to Rin, as if he can feel the tension that instantly fills me. That's another thing: the list of people allowed in this room is a very short one indeed. Anyone I don't trust isn't allowed anywhere near Rin without getting a kagune to the face. And I'm being literal about that.