Found You in the Algorithm ~ Sam golbach

8

Chris: lowkey shocked "She's just... saying the shit nobody's brave enough to."

Melinda:
"I've always loved Corey. I see myself in Corey. I grew up. I got a Lipo 360 surgery because I had multiple eating disorders."

Corey: completely silent now, a little glassy-eyed

Melinda:
"The way Corey just breaks out dancing in videos to splice it up? It's funny. It's great."

Nick: softly "She's funny and broken and brilliant. That's a dangerous combo."

Melinda:
"And yeah — when I first started watching the group I was like, are they all gay? Honestly, I thought they were. And yeah, I was a little sad about it. Like damn, why are all the hot guys gay? They're not. I thought they were. They aren't."

Chris: choking on a laugh "OKAY WAIT NO she didn't say that."

Jake: "She so said that."

Melinda:
"Now — onto the smart part. It's disrespectful. I'm not saying I haven't read it. I'm not saying I haven't been there. But it's still super, super disrespectful. Especially if you tag them in it."

Matt: rubbing his forehead "She's coming for the smut writers again. Nobody's safe."

Melinda:
"Smut — that's fine. In some ways. Because it's just words. But the moment you go into porn links? Start spending a whole day on X trying to find videos of people that look like Sam, Corey, Jake, Colby, Matt, Chris, Nick? That's so unsettling."

Colby: pointing at the screen "She's right. That shit has happened."

Melinda:
"That picture going around with the guy in the white drawers? Using it as a Chris edit? That's disgusting."

Chris: visibly disturbed "I knew I felt weird about that one. She confirmed it."

Melinda:
"Now back to Jake and Corey — you don't get to hate on people for going different paths. That's life. I got nothing bad to say about them. They'll always be the life of the fucking party."

Jake: smiling through the entire damn soul "I'd die for her."

Melinda:
"Also — yeah, Jake might've smoked a little 420. Not confirmed. But even if he did? He's a grown fucking adult. That's his choice. If you don't know what 420 is, don't worry about it."

Chris: laughing now "She's unhinged in the best possible way."

Melinda:
"Speculation that Chris smokes too? Why do you care?! They're grown fucking adults. I've done it. It's legal. There are literally pharmacies where you can go buy THC."

Nick: shaking his head "She said all this and still had time to educate people on legalization laws."

Melinda:
"Now — Sam and Colby? What makes you think they haven't done it? They're 28. They lived in a house called the Trap House. Y'all don't even know what trap house means. If you're too innocent to know what a trap house is, log the fuck off."

Colby: snorts hard "She's not wrong."

Sam: blinking slowly "Oh my god."

Melinda:
"And I'm not saying they did it because of the name. I'm just saying it's a possibility. I still support them. I still have my 3AM hoodie. I frame it so it doesn't break. I have a never normal tattoo. A dumb and wise tattoo. A fresh love tattoo."

Sam: eyes flicking wide "Wait what?"

Melinda:
"I have a fresh love tattoo on my spine. I'm sorry, y'all. If you can't handle people growing up, doing adult shit, maybe you shouldn't be in fandoms with grown-ass adults."

Chris: "She literally tattooed the brand on her body. That's not a casual fan."

Melinda (final statement):
"Oh yeah — and I can do an entire breakdown of Katarina's song 'Nice of You.' You know, the one about Sam? Yeah. Best believe I've got things to say. She didn't even realize half the holes in that story. But that's for another time."

Sam: staring blankly at the TV "...I am terrified and deeply intrigued. Simultaneously."

⸻

Colby: "Do we... talk to her at this point? Like is this officially a collab?"

Sam: rubbing his face with both hands "She wants to break down 'Nice of You' and I'm not emotionally stable enough for that today."

Jake: "Can we like... invite her to dinner but also give her a therapy couch?"

Matt: "I don't think she needs therapy. I think she is therapy."

Chris: grinning "Melinda Sturnioloverse coming soon."