The Way I Chose

Thinking Calms The Mind

I continue in school like any normal teenager, though I had missed a lot before. Time flies and I am grateful that school doesn't drag on. My teachers are pleased that I am doing much better. I was never dumb, just behind in my studies and have gotten my grades up to 85% as a regular. At lunch, I meet Shane in the library and we do a devotional because I am still learning and he has lots to explain and learn for himself also. I like it because I can strengthen my faith and I can spend time with him. We huddle in the corner at the back of the library and sit on the carpet. We take turns reading a paragraph because it makes it more interesting and includes both of our involvement. There is no food allowed in the library but we sneak out backpacks in anyway. We talk for the hour everyday and find more things in common, more agreements and disagreements, more jokes followed by more laughs and it couldn't make me more happier. As I get closer to him and to who he is, I only remember the sad news. Four words I never want to hear again, nor did I want to hear at the time. I don't know if I will be able to let go. "I am moving away."
So many thoughts buzz through my head and that horrible one always makes it to the center of my mind controlling my tears and sadness fills my skull. Dominos are really what it is. First one thought leading to the horrible thought, which leads to the whimpering, leading to the first tear drop, and there comes the waterworks. Been there, done that, it gets old but my reaction never changes. I cope with it. I can hold it back, sometimes. Sometimes I am able to bring good thoughts to cover the bad ones, but why does bad always seem stronger when good is actually strongest? Why can't I answer my own questions? No one else will!

I smile a small friendly smile when Shane sits next to me in Geography. Great, now I am have a distraction beside me. A wonderful, caring, distraction. I place my hand in a fist against my cheek and turn my head to face the teacher. I glance at Shane once in a while and he's happily paying attention to the man in the front and I do the same so I don't end up staring into oblivion. I happen to have a bad habit of doing that. I can get so lost in thought that I could be staring right at someone without even knowing it as if I'm in a trance.
"Draya."
"Draya!" The teacher calls me and I shake my head violently from being startled.
"Yeah?" I reply quickly and clearly confused.
Shane laughs a little behind his hand.
"You were staring right at Jason."
"Oh." My face fills with heat and my cheeks look like tomatoes. "Uh, Sorry, I was, uh, thinking." This happens too often to me and I eventually creep everyone out. I can't help it though and so don't even realize I'm doing it. But I'll live through it, just like I have lived through 11 years of school. Mr. Courier asks me a question, I answer quietly and he moves on.

The bell rings and I rush out of the classroom before anyone can even pick up their books. I cram mine inside my locker and grab my school bag. I walk fast, but not too quickly so it doesn't look like I'm freaking out. Usually I am so most people are used to it. I skip down the steps outside and head for the sidewalk. Everyday Shane gives me a ride but I've decided to walk so I can think about things. I like the time to think, even if I cry. Is that so bad?

I make sure I keep a close eye when I walk down the sidewalk lined with trees spread over head. I pay attention to my surroundings. Observe the leaves on trees. Oak, Maple and some apple trees reaching over the fence on my right side. I listen and take in the sounds. Wind blowing through the branches causing the leaves to rustle. A peaceful sound really. I watch the cars whip by as I turn on to the path leading into the woods close to my house. I snap some twigs under my sneakers and kick the stones away so I don't step on them. I listen to the sounds in the bushes and the plants rustle. I pause and stare through the leaves. Nothing. I keep walking, speeding my pace and focussing on the path ahead. Nothing else can happen to me or I won't be allowed to go anywhere on my own. I'm a young adult, responsibility I am still working on but I can't help it if people are after me for no good reason.

Thank the Lord that I made it home safely. I climb the porch and unlock the door. I throw my bag on the leather couch and grab two cookies from the kitchen and run to my bedroom. I look at the empty space on the wall where my mirror used to be. The mirror of sorrow. I push the thought away and sit on my bed. I grab the bible, the one I got from Shane and open to a new passage. "Psalm 119:28-32" I read a loud. "My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me you law! I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me. I cling to your testimonies, O Lord; let me not be put to shame! I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart." I smile as I comprehend the words I read. I spoke them out loud so I could understand them better. Truly an inspirational passage. I do trust God to help me through whatever I face as long as I have true faith in him. Shane told me what true faith was. He even made me memorize it like he had to in his Catechism class. It says so in the Heidelberg Catechism, Lord's Day 7, question and answer 21. He told me to write it down, and look it up in the song book he showed me. "What is true faith?" I ask myself the question he made me read over and over again. "True faith is a sure knowledge whereby I accept as true all that God has revealed to us in his word." I take another deep breath to finish the answer. "At the same time it is a firm confidence that not only to others, but also to me, God has granted me the forgiveness of sins, everlasting righteousness, and salvation, out of mere grace, only for the sake of Christ's merits. This faith the Holy Spirit works in my heart by the gospel." I repeat the answer slowly every other time I say it so I can understand every word I am saying. This means a lot to me. I hope everyone whose read it understands what true faith really is and cherishes it in their hearts. I close my bible and lace it on my nightstand. A knock on the door echoes through my house and I stand immediately and race down the stairs. I look through the "peep hole" and open the door. Dad. I give him a hug, something I haven't done for a while and squeeze him tight. He sets his bags down and washes up before preparing dinner. I grab two plates from the cupboard above the dishwasher and place them in our spots at the table. Another knock echoes from the door and I go to see who it is. "Are you okay? You didn't tell me you were walking home! Something could have happened again." Shane runs his hand through his dark brown hair. His face looks nervous, worried almost.
"I'm okay, Mom." I stress "Mom" and tease him. "I needed to get away from everything and have time to think. Nothing happened, I'm alright." I smile at him and he huffs a sigh of relief. It makes me happy to see how much he cared. I let him in and shut the door.
"Shane, how are you doing? Would you like to stay for dinner?" My dad butts in to our conversation and I'm slightly irritated but he's friendly so I shoot him a small glare and roll my eyes.
"I'd love to Mr. Jonson, if that's okay with Draya of course." He looks at me with almost puppy dog eyes. Sparkly gray, and he knows I can't refuse. I relax when I realize I'm tense and I sigh.
"Make yourself at home," I roll my eyes at him making it as obvious as I possibly can and he squeezes me shoulders with his tough hands.

My dad made pesto tortellini pasta with pork chops and green beans. We pray before our meal and read a passage from the bible before we begin eating.
Everything about dinner is great, except for the lack of silence I usually enjoy. Shane and my dad are talking about so many things I can't even keep track. Hockey is all I could get out of their conversation.
After dinner we clear the table and Shane asks me if I want to go for a walk by the beach. I hurry upstairs to get ready and leave Shane with my dad and they continue in conversation.