The Way I Chose

When Thoughts Jump

'You go girl!' I gather up my thoughts, 'what are you doing?' Two voices suddenly pop into my head. No, not two now! I glance around, everyone is staring right at me. My feet planted on the desk. I open my mouth but no words come out. What do I say? I have to stand up for myself, yet I have nothing to say? I grab my hair and squeeze my head with my calloused hands trying to 'grab a brain.' But before I even take another paced breath the words just flow out of me. "Why is it that you all have to judge people! It's not your position, you do not have the power nor the right to do such a thing! Why don't you try being nice to people! Shane was nice to me, I was hurt and he was nice to me." I pause taking a big breath, I glance at Shane and he knows exactly what I'm thinking and he lets me say it.

"He is an example of what everyone should be, he is a loving and caring person and he is a Christian." He lets me continue after I pause again. "He brought me to his faith and I am more than grateful to him for this. He changed my whole view on the world and how I should live and now I live as a child of God and I think all of you should consider this too. God put me through unthinkable things: cancer, suicidal thoughts, a horrible childhood, but then I met someone who changed my whole life which was Gods plan for me." I stand tall on the desk. "God gave me courage and it took me a long time to accept that he as working in me and to let Shane teach me about it." My lungs are inhaling and exhaling hard and slow. I feel like I am choking. This is so hard to say but it has to be said and I don't stop no matter how much my chest hurts. Shane smiles at me brightly but he looks concerned. I choose to ignore his concern and look at everyone staring at me around the room. I have the feeling they have no idea what I am talking about but I hope they get the idea. "God put me through cancer, and I am grateful to him for that. Yet he put you on this earth and you are not grateful in anyway? He put you here to serve him and fulfill his task of spreading the gospel and this is how you repay your creator? You go out and make yourselves public and popular by hurting people and you don't even realize what you have done! Think before you act and speak and recognize that we are all sinful and God will forgive you if you truly repent and submit to him. In my opinion just do it and believe because for me, it was the best thing I have ever done and I will never doubt this decision, I will turn to God in the rough times." I pant for a few seconds. "Think about and make sure your decisions are certain. That's all I have to say." Shane notices I'm tired and he helps me down from the desk. We sit in our regular spots in class and I get glances from people around the room. I decide I don't care what they think. Even if I don't know what they are thinking about me, I know the God will protect me forever.

I leave the school today thinking a lot about what I said. I don't wish to change what I've said and I do hope to see some of the people I spoke to at church on the weekend. I start down the sidewalk and Shane runs up to me from behind. "Hey," I jump and my whole body twitches and tingles. "Shane, don't do that, you scared the jitters out of me!" I turn and frown intensely at him.
"At least they're all gone then, D."
'Girl, he just gave you a nickname! Ain't that just the sweetest thing!' No stop! Ugh, No way. 

I really have to do something about my conscience always butting in when I talk about Shane. 'I'm trying to convince you that you like him and denial is the first and strongest step! Just admit it D!' "Shut up!" before I realize what I've done Shane looks at me a bit hurt.

"What did I do?" He has no idea, and he didn't do anything. I tell the silence the voice in my head. "Sorry Shane, you didn't do anything I was just thinking out loud again." I feel the heat rise to my cheeks from my neck and I know I'm blushing like crazy. I look at him straight in the eyes and I already realize I'm crazy and he probably knows it. God led me to him when he led me to God and I am more than thankful for what has happened in the past few weeks. Shane's dark brown hair blows in the breeze and I hear the leaves on the tree branches shake from the gust of the south wind gliding through them. I never realized how much I love it outside. Its beautiful. Shane's still looking at me and he scratches the back of his neck with his hand. Hot. Stop. Ugh. I tell him I need to leave but I'm sad to say it. I have to do some thinking. His eyes sparkle with his smile when he leaves me to walk home. I rather walk than drive so I can have more time to think things through.

I haven't slowed me pace since I left Shane at the school. It's a long walk back to my home but it's peaceful. I listen intently at my surroundings and how lovely and realistic they seem outside rather than when I'm crammed in my room away from everyone. But that's not me anymore, I've changed, changed for the better and I am happy for the first time in years. I look up at the sky at the beautiful fluffy clouds and I observe every little detail about the birds in the trees. Their chirping, feather colour, tummy colour and their beak to simplify my thoughts. As I listen I notice a snap of some twigs behind me. I've turned and have been walking in part of the woods to get to my house quicker and I stop in the middle of the gravel path. "Hello?" I don't hear an answer but I do feel my jitters coming back. I keep my stroll along the path but gradually quicken my pace. I feel like I'm being followed. I hear heavy breathing, I'd say about 15 feet behind me. My pace quickens into a run and I hear the footsteps quicken behind me. I've reached a sprint and have never sprinted this hard yet, not even in my gym teacher's boot camp-like classes. Before I realize what's happening I stop.