The Way I Chose

When Love Drives You Wild

I am staring at him and he's gazing into my eyes. He's trying to understand what they mean. My mouth is straight and I don't know what's going on! I have a headache from my thoughts spiraling around my mind and it's a sickening feeling. 'Draya,' that's all he said, what is he going to say next? I don't know. The fact that I don't know worries me and my hands start shaking. He can't leave me wondering! 'Spit it out Shane, you're killing my patience!' But on the outside, I am as stiff as a statue except for my madly shaking hands.
"Draya," he repeats and my heart falls down a dark chasm waiting for his next words to rescue my fallen organ. Patience has never really been something I'm good at. Every second slowly eats at my soul and I am left wondering. I have never liked this feeling. I have felt like people have kicked me in the heart. And people have kicked me in the heart but I just can't wait to hear what he's going to say. I bark at him. "What is it? What?"
Shane doesn't seem startled, he shakes his head a bit. "Sorry." He breathes a few large breaths and opens his mouth.
"Draya, Ever since we met in the cafeteria when I gave you that Bible. You seemed so different, and you are different and I like that." He breathes loudly and heavily. "You've learned so much of the Bible and it's made me so happy and when I was teaching you, I was even more happy because I got to be with you. I wanted to be with you and it's an amazing feeling. You are a beautiful dark haired and brown eyed girl and your smile makes me light up. I think I'm in love with you, Draya Jonson." The words come out faster than I thought they would. I listen carefully to the repeated speech in my head, I smile, he called me "beautiful" and it's the first time I've heard it. My smile brightens and my face feels hot. Shane loves me? He..he he said so, I wh..what do I say now? I haven't processed in my mind if I really do too. But do I? I look up at him again and he is awaiting what I'll say but is smiling slightly and almost giggling from the deep rise of colour filling my cheeks. I bite my bottom lip but I am still smiling. He's so cute. His brown hair and sparkling grey eyes light up my world. He's shown me so much, and been there for me every step of the way, the path that's been so tough. God helped me through it all, and I am happy no matter the circumstances. 'Thank you, God for everything. For guiding me, showing me the path towards faith and for strengthening my faith and for my best friend, and partner whose taught me and helped me through everything. Please forgive all my sins, for I am a sinner and help people come to know you. Amen.' I pray this to myself in my head and I smile again. So many things to be thankful for! I look up at Shane again and I wonder if his patience is eating him inside or he is 'okay' with it.
"Shane," I say softly and he looks up at me. "I'm not sure what to say.. I." His smile turns to a poker face and he turns back on the bench and I do the same. What did I just do? I do like him, a lot but I can't seem to say it. Why does it have to be so hard? I now understand why he took long enough to say this to me. He is brave for doing it and I am nothing compared to that. "I...umm yes," is all I can manage. He looks at me and I can't quite read his expression. I lean close to him and yet, after all I hadn't said he still pulls me close.
I am young. I do not know if I can love someone yet. Could I really ever be sure? I do know that he is worth it, maybe not worth me, but worth an answer. I pull away from him and regret it, plant a kiss on his cheek and whisper softly in his ear, "My mind doesn't know but my heart flies."
He smiles and I know he understands me. I lean back against him and relax because I know I am safe with him.
The sun comes out from behind the clouds and rains down on us as we cuddle on the bench. The trees move in the breeze and the birds chirp balanced out the cries from the barking dogs as they chase the balls and frisbees. I close my eyes and I know I have exactly what I dreamed of. I doze off to the soft sounds of the wind and trees around me.

We walk to the mall together, hands linked. I hope he doesn't notice, or care about my clammy and sweaty hands. I laugh out loud at my own thought and he just looks at me not even bothering to ask. We go into multiple clothing stores to find me some colourful clothing to wear instead of my black and gray clothes. I have never had more fun shopping and I despise shopping. I don't know if we are together or not but our conjoined hands certainly show to the public we are. I am nervous. I have never had a boyfriend and I will probably ruin it unless he doesn't mind my clumsy and embarrassing mishaps that occur every twenty minutes. We laugh at each other, mainly me who keeps tripping over my own feet and walking into things and pulling push doors and pushing pull doors. Truly he has found an extraordinary original.

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We walk from the mall back through the park and sit on a bench as we did before. He sighs extremely obviously -- something is definitely wrong and I don't know if I want to know.
"Draya, I've been meaning to tell you this. It has been very hard so please don't get mad." He pauses and my heart stops. "I am moving away."