The Fall of Alexander the Great (Monteverde Series 3)

22

Chapter Twenty Two

They say good sex can make you shout I love you even when you don't mean it. Alexander said he is in love with me. When I didn't answer, he produced a rough exhale, took my silence as a sign that I didn't want to talk, and went to sleep. It's the dead of the night and I'm crying silently over the admission I didn't want to believe.

I should be happy right now, shouldn't I?

Instead, I felt hurt and confused.

Sabi ko dati sa sarili ko nang pasukin ko ang set up na ito, hindig hindi ako mahuhulog sa kanya. Kaya ako nandito ay para patunayan sa manghuhula sa Quiapo na walang katotohanan ang mga nabasa niya sa palad ko. Pero ngayon, 'yun lang ang laman ng isip ko.

Paano kung totoo pala?

Paano kung saktan lang ako ni Alexander?
Paano kung tulad ng totoo kong mga magulang ay iwan niya rin ako?
Hindi ko kayang sumugal. Hindi ko kayang ituloy ang pakikipaglaro ko sa apoy habang nagdadasal na hindi ako mapaso. Ako ang dapat na umiwas. Ako ang dapat na tumigil. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko at tinalikuran din siya. Sabi nila kapag nagmahal ka ay dalhin mo rin daw ang utak. Hindi palaging puso ang kailangang masunod, kaya ngayon ay hindi ko ito pakikinggan.

***

Nang maalimpungatan ako kinaumagahan ay wala na si Alexander sa tabi ko. Bumalik agad sa akin ang mga nangyari kagabi at nag-init ang mga pisngi ko habang dumadaloy sa isip ko ang mga alaala. Nakasuot na ako ngayon ng maluwag na sando, marahil ay binihisan ako ni Alexander habang tulog ako kagabi. Tumayo ako at dahan-dahang naglakad papunta sa banyo kahit nararamdaman ko pa rin ang pagkirot ng aking pagkababae.

Mabilis akong natapos sa paliligo. Sinuot ko ang isang dress na si Alexiana rin ang nagbigay. Ibinalot ko ang twalya sa buhok ko bago lumabas. Nadatnan ko si Alexander na tulalang nakaupo sa kama.

"Good morning." Muntik akong mautal nang pukawin ko ang atensyon niya. "Sorry I woke up late. Kumain ka na ba? Gusto mo sabay na tayo?" Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong mag-iwas ng tingin dahil ayaw kong isipin niya na sobrang apektado ako sa nangyari kagabi. I want to be casual around him.

Nanatili lang siyang nakatingin sakin. Blanko ang ekspresyon, tahimik, at hindi gumagalaw sa pwesto niya. Nagsimula na akong makaramdam ng kaba.

"Are you okay?" I queried, my expression giving away concern. His lip twitched.

"Were you even planning to tell me about it, Blythe?" mahina ngunit matigas niyang tanong. His deadpan expression made me weak at the knees.

"Ano'ng ibig mong sabihin?" lito kong balik. "Tell you about what?"

His jaw tensed and he stood up. "You are planning to leave the country without telling me! A one way ticket to Paris, really? Did you even consider me when you made that decision o talagang wala kang pakialam sa mararamdaman ko?" Tuloy-tuloy at puno ng hinanakit siyang nagsalita. Mabigat ang mga tingin niya sa akin at hindi ko kayang salubungin ang mga ito. "I can't believe you, Blythe!"

Hindi ko maitago ang gulat ko.

"Wondering how I figured out, love?" he said the endearment sarcastically. Terry kept calling you this morning pero dahil tulog ka, hindi mo nasasagot ang mga tawag niya. She got worried and phoned me instead and asked if you're okay." Natawa siya ng mapakla. "She asked me if I was coming with you to Paris next week. Inasar niya pa nga ako na baka magtatanan tayo ro'n kasi hindi return ang binili mo. Just wow."
"Alexander..."

"What?" He looked hurt. "You're going to leave me hanging? Bakit? Wala lang ba sa'yo ang lahat ng 'to?" Umiling siya. "You're not leaving. I'm not letting you."

Nabuhay ang galit sa dibdib ko. "How dare you?" Matalim ko siyang tinignan. "Who do you think you are to tell me I can't leave? Hindi mo ako pag-aari para utus-utusan mo. You don't have the right to tell me what to do."

"Hindi ka aalis."

"Aalis ako kung kailan ko gusto and you don't have any say about it."

"Stop being stubborn!" May bahid na ng galit ang boses niya.

"Then stop forcing me to stay!" Hinawakan niya ako pero nagpumiglas ako.

"Why are you doing this?" He was looking at me with a pained expression. "Wala naman tayong problema, 'di ba? We're okay." Napasabunot siya sa buhok. "I thought we were doing better, Blythe. Why are you planning to leave all of a sudden?"

I was so close to tears. I don't understand why he still refused to let me go when I have already given him my virginity. Hindi ba 'yun ang habol niya sa akin? "Hayaan mo na ako..." I was almost begging.

"No..." Humina at medyo kumalma ang boses niya. "I can't do that."

"Please.." I repeated. "Please Alexander..." My tears fell one by one and I saw him take a step closer. He tried to reach for my face, pero umilag ako.

"Why?"

"Kasi gusto kong ilugar ang sarili ko." My voice cracked. I felt his arms around me, but I fought him. Pilit ko siyang itinutulak palayo.

"Hindi mo naman kailangang ilugar ang sarili mo. You have a place in my life, love. You have a special spot. You don't have to go. I don't want you to go."

"You don't understand!" I screamed.

"Then make me!"

"Blythe, Aldeng, what is happening?" came Alexiana's worried voice. Sunod-sunod na katok ang ginawa niya sa pinto.

"Hayaan mo na lang muna kami Xiana," sagot niya sa kapatid.

"I can hear Blythe crying? Ano'ng nangyayari?" Hindi pa rin siya tumigil sa pagkatok.

"Alexiana, please. Leave us. We're sorting things out."

"Aldeng..."

"Babe." It was Vane. "Hayaan na natin sila. Away nila 'yan. He's not going to hurt her. Let them fix their issues. Maayos din nila 'yan." Narinig ko ang mga yabag nila palayo.

"Stay with me," Alexander persuaded.

"Don't make it hard for me." Nakikiusap ang tono ko.

"I should be the one saying that. You barge into my life, you change me, you make me a better person, you make me fucking fall for you tapos biglang ayaw mo na?"

"Stop saying things you do not mean!"

Naihilamos niya ang mga palad niya sa mukha niya. "I meant every word I said."

"Laro lang ito sayo. Hindi mo ako mahal!" I shrieked. "You're lying to me kasi nakikita mo may nararamdaman ako para sa'yo, na naapektuhan ako ng mga paglalambing mo, ng yakap mo, ng halik mo. You're fooling around because you know you have the upper hand."

"Alam mo sa sarili mong hindi 'yan totoo. Deep down, you know how much I want you and how much I am in love with you."

"Liar!" I hissed.

"Coward," he spat.

"You've won. I don't want to play this game anymore. I'm calling it quits."

"You don't mean that..." Namutla siya. "No. No, Blythe."

"I do mean it. I don't want to be with you anymore." Every word hurt as they came out of my mouth. I could feel my heart breaking inside my chest as the tears slid down my cheeks. Alexander looked betrayed as ha backed away and sat on the edge of the bed. I wanted to hug him, take back what I said, and tell him I loved him, but I held my ground.

I'm not putting my heart on the line to experience fleeting happiness.

"I'm leaving," I declared.