Red String

chapter twenty.

The doorbell rings. It has been more than 2 weeks after the incident, and I did not let Jonathan near me after all those. But I promised to talk and clarify things, and gave him a chance to apologize.

There he is. 

His blonde, curly hair. 

His blue, big eyes. 

His big body. 

"Hello." he says. I can sense worry in his voice.

"Come in," I say. 

He tries to hug me, but I do not let him. 

He sits on the couch instead. I go and sat near him, but we still have some distance. 

He touches my hand, strokes my fıngers softly. I exhale. He knows that I like it. 

"Sarah, I am sorry."

He holds my hand kisses it.  I do not know why, but a lot of men I dated did this.

Maybe it turns him on.

"It does not fix things."

"I never meant to hurt you, whatever went through between us, it was real. I am not James, Malik or Tim or any of your shitty dudes. I was with you because you were the realest person I knew. Just honest, naked."

My eyes started to burn.

"I had sex with you, but I swear, I did not do that to use you, I did it because I never felt attracted to anyone like I was to you. I love your face, I love the way you giggle, I love your soft voice, your waist, your moles,your hips, your breasts, your abs lines, everything. Everytime I smell your parfume somewhere, I get so happy because I think you are near me. But you are not, because you live away and we can not communicate well. When it comes to that girl, I just enjoyed her company, because she gave me the peace I needed among all these work, school and other problems we have."

"Bullshit."

"Not bullshit. Everytime I look at your eyes, I feel something familiar, something meaningful. It is like you can read me." 

"Interesting." I say. 

"But you are right, I can not give you what you want, I can not give you the safety feeling you need. I am not that mature for you."

"I learned that I can not expect any kind of safety or comfort from anyone long time ago. It is better if we never talk again."

"You are right, I am so sorry." he says. 

I think his eyes are filling with tears too. 

He kisses me on the forehead. 

"I hate it, you know it." I crumble. 

"I wish I could have give you everything you wanted, you needed."

"Kiss me, kiss me for the last time." I say. 

He kisses me. His hands go through my dark, long hair. 

"I will never be able to forget you, you have the most beautiful hair I have ever seen." he says

"And most beautiful lips." he continues.

"Fuck me for the last time tonight."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, take me to bed." I say. 

He grabs me by my ass, and takes me to bedroom.

He kisses every bit of my face, undresses me slowly.

I take off his belt, he takes off his tshirt.

After few minutes of making out, we are finally naked.