Before I fall

5. My bucket list

I needed to get the fuck out of this room.

Maddie was still sitting in front of her mirror, perfectly content with herself, humming some pop song while she applied lip gloss. Like she hadn't just torn into me. Like her words weren't still echoing in my head.

No guy is actually gonna want you, you know.

I clenched my fists, shoving my blanket off and forcing myself to stand. I wasn't gonna sit here and let her get to me.

Grabbing my phone, I yanked open my dresser drawer and pulled out whatever clothes I could find, leggings, an oversized sweater, the same worn-out Converse I always wore. I didn't give a shit if I looked like I rolled straight out of bed.

I needed air. I needed space. I needed to remind myself that Maddie's bullshit wasn't the truth. The second I stepped outside into the cold hallway, I let out a long breath, shoulders dropping.

Being in that room with her was suffocating, like drowning in slow motion. 

I didn't know where I was going. I didn't really care. Anywhere was better than here. I tugged my phone out of my hoodie pocket, already scrolling to my messages, before I even realized what I was doing.

Ronan. His name stared back at me, with the last text still sitting there from last night.

Ronan: Good.

I hesitated. I didn't have a reason to text him. Not really. But after last night, after everything, I wanted to. Before I could overthink it, I typed:

Me: I lived through the night. Thought you should know.

I barely had time to shove my phone back into my pocket before it vibrated.

Ronan: Proud of you, Lei.

I rolled my eyes, but my chest felt weirdly warm.

Me: Gross. Don't call me that.

Ronan: Then don't text me at 9 AM like you're craving attention.

I scowled thinking, Asshole. But before I could fire back, another text popped up.

Ronan: You eat yet?

My stomach twisted, because I knew where this was going. He was going to say something about me not eating, or him feeling like he needed to feed me or something.

Me: Jesus, do you have a feeding schedule for me now?

Ronan: Maybe.

Ronan: Breakfast. Jax's. 30 minutes.

I stared at the message. I could say no. I could tell him I wasn't in the mood, that he was overstepping, but Maddie's voice was still ringing in my head. And Ronan Fitch? He wanted me to meet him for breakfast.

So I exhaled and typed back before I could change my mind.

Me: Fine.

I decided to go. The morning air was sharp, biting at my cheeks as I stepped outside. The sky was a dull gray, the kind that promised more cold without the beauty of snow.  I kept my hands shoved in my hoodie pocket as I walked across campus, trying to shake off the weight of Maddie's words. No guy is actually gonna want you.  

She was wrong.  And even if she wasn't, even if last night had been nothing but Ronan feeling bad for me, it didn't matter.  I wasn't going to sit in that dorm and let her pick me apart. 

Jax's wasn't far, just a ten-minute walk off campus. It was one of those places that had been around forever, an old brick building with fogged-up windows, the scent of coffee and fresh pastries hitting me before I even pushed open the door.